Sunday, November 6, 2011

As the days grow shorter and colder...

I have posted a new pole! What do you do to stay warm as the daylight ends earlier? I love to be curled up on the couch with a nice hot cup of coffee or hot chocolate or hot apple cider with a nice warm fire roaring in the fire place and a special someone to cuddle up with!

While I enjoy the fact that we got to gain an hour of sleep today I did not like the fact that it was dark by 5pm and I was working until 6pm. It was very dark and VERY cold by the time I left work!

Take a moment and select your answer on my pole and if you select "other", please leave a comment and share how you stay warm when it's cold outside!

Monday, October 3, 2011

My, Oh My!

I am a huge chicken! Plain and simple! C-H-I-C-K-E-N!!! Why am I a chicken? Well because there is this guy. He's cute. Okay...he's REALLY cute! I am and have always been completely oblivious to the fact that a guy is hitting on me but after telling my mom about some of our conversations, she pointed out that he was flirting with me. I kind of get flustered around him. I think I keep my cool though. I can carry on a conversation with him and laugh and be fine except say the things that I really want to say.

I have this birthday party to go to this Saturday for one of my mom's friends and she told me that I need to bring a date. I just moved up here and don't really know anyone and don't really have time to meet anyone...and the pickings seem to be pretty slim up here anyway. LOL!

So I've been trying to build up the courage to find a round about way to find out if he has a girlfriend or if he's single and then slip in there that I need a date if he is single. I'm kind of hoping that I see him on Wednesday and that he asks me about my day and I'll tell him about how "great" of a week I've had...starting with the most awkward 28 minutes I spent with my ex boyfriend today getting my stuff from him and leading into the whole needing a date thing and I'll ask him if he knows anyone cute and single that might want to go...hopefully he'll say he's free!

One can only hope for things to go that smoothly right? I have a whole other guy dilemma but I am too exhausted to even think anymore tonight so I'll have to save it for tomorrow. I just really wish I had the nerve to say what I want to say. Although in the brief talks that we have had, he's mentioned that his cat and dog are like his personal alarm clocks and never mentioned a girlfriend so here's fingers crossed that he's single...

Hopefully I'll have some good news regarding this matter here in a couple of days! Until next time!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Reason #268

Did I get your attention with the title? I thought I might. Reason #268? 268 for what? What could this woman possibly have 268 reasons for one thing for? Well I may not actually have 268 reasons but it feels like that some times! Okay...I have kept you waiting long enough.


Last week I was at work. It was supposed to be like 65 degrees and it ended up being like almost 80 degrees. Needless to say I was already miserable because it was hot and I was in jeans AND a long sleeve shirt was on under my t-shirt. I get a call over the hand held radio that there are two little dogs running around and asked if I could try and track them down and find their owner. I see both dogs. One is black and one is white. The black one was farther away and as I started walking towards the white one, I noticed a black car pull up and the black dog jumped in.

I got closer to the white dog and started to call it and when I got a few feet away from it, I crouched down and held my hand out and the little shit looked at my hand, showed it's teeth (like it thought it was 10 times the size it actually was) and then started to run. I walked over to it again and did the same thing but this time the damn dog BOLTED!

I ran after that damn dog all over the airfield, winding in and out of the hangers. I finally got to a point where I was close to the black car that had picked up the other dog and I started to walk quickly to find it. I finally found the car and when I walked up to it, both dogs were barking at me. I talked to the owner for a few minutes and told him that I wanted to make sure he had found both of his dogs and he apologized that they got out and said that "the little devils just got out and took off."

All I could think about was that I had just RAN all over the airfield chasing after his damn dog IN JEANS and blown out tennis shoes and a long sleeve shirt and all he could say was that the little DEVILS just got away? Seriously?!?

I hobble back to the line shack. I swear it took me like 15 minutes to walk back because I was sweaty from running, my knee was hurting because the day before I smashed it, I had a HUGE cramp in my side AND I had a wedgie! "The little devils just got away..." my ASS!

So that is Reason #268 why I hate little dogs! Until next time!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

I Hate To See You Go...

I hate to see Summer come to an end.  I only moved up to my mom's house about a month and a half ago but I finally got to feel and experience real summer heat!  I have loved getting to actually feel the heat!  I love the heat BUT I am so not gonna miss bees!  BEES CAN KISS MY ASS!  I work at a small airport and deal mainly in refueling airplanes and helicopters for the flying school.  Part of my job consists of taking fuel samples of the bulk tanks that hold our aviation fuel and jet fuel.  Bees LOVE the sweet smell of fuel.  I was on top of the tank trying to take my last fuel sample and the bees just couldn't stop swarming around me!

I am allergic to bees and all I could think of was getting the damn sample and getting off that tank without falling off!  I checked the weather before I went to work and saw that it was going to be like 74* degrees outside so I threw on my shorts.  Being up on that tank surrounded by bees I started cussing at myself because those damn insects kept trying to fly up my shorts.  Little f**kers!  With the cooling temps, those damn bees will hopefully go the hell away!

Okay so I had a second thing to talk about that I hate to see go but I am starting to see doubles and I am just exhausted!  I also took some Excedrin PM...that may have had something to do with the double vision...maybe...a little bit!

Until next time!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Dream So Real

Have you ever had a dream that just felt so real that you were literally crushed when you woke up to find that it was seriously just a dream?  I had one of those last night.  I was with a guy that I fell in love with years ago.  It felt so amazing and right.  I could feel his kiss and, by the way, it has been about 9 years since I last kissed this man.  I could feel his arms around me and I could even smell him.  I felt happy and at peace for the first time in a long time!

In this dream, we were connected at the hip.  We were going everywhere together.  We fell asleep next to each other and I woke up and thought I was dreaming (this is still the dream) everything and saw him asleep next to me and I curled myself up next to him and fell back to sleep.  I could run my fingers through his hair and feel his breath on my skin.  I was so happy and so in love and then I woke up, for real this time, and reached for him only to find myself in an empty bed.

It felt like the air had been sucked out of my body.  My heart ached.  The last time I saw him, he was getting ready to deploy and I was getting ready to transfer.  I wanted to say goodbye to him to his face and he was refusing to answer my calls and I told him through his door that I just wanted to say goodbye and then I was leaving.  I told him that I wasn't going to leave until he opened his door.  He finally did and I grabbed his face, kissed him through tears, told him I loved him and then I walked away and didn't look back.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

I know that he is happy though.  He is married and has a family.  I wish him nothing but the best.  I just think sometimes that I wish that was my life.  I heard this song earlier on my iPod and it is what inspired me to write this.  "I Love You" by Celine Dion.

Until Next Time!

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Doubts and Regrets

I try to have a firm grip on reality and while like any other normal human being (and I use the term "normal" loosely) I have had doubts about situations and people.  One thing that I have always said is that I never have regrets.  Regret is like's just kind of a waste of energy.  What can you really accomplish by hating someone?  Nothing!  What can you achieve by regreting a decision?  Nothing!

Unfortunately not only am I doubting some of the choices that I have made but I just might be starting to regret them.  I find myself constantly trying not to cry.  My heart aches.  I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that I made the wrong choices.

When I was finally able to file my divorce papers I felt relief.  When I found out that my divorce was finalized and that I was no longer married, it felt like a HUGE weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  Unfortunately that was short lived.  I felt depressed and horrible and was always on the constant verge of tears.

It wasn't until last weekend when I helped my mom move my sister into her dorm.  While we were driving there and back it brought back a flood of memories from the road trip that my ex and I took last October.  I actually broke down and confessed to my mom that I missed him and our home and my dogs and the life that I had.  I still love him.  I can think back and see all the appreciation that he did show in his own way.  I told my mom that if I had to go back and do it all over again, I would have stayed up here at my mom's house and figured things out and then gone home and worked on our marriage.

I really want to tell him but I don't think that it would or could make a difference.

Until next time.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Move, Move, Wedding, Teach!

Just a quick little break down of the last 2 weeks of my life!  This time 2 weeks ago I had taught my last class in Coos Bay and was participating in my very last set of evening Zumba classes at the gym.  On Saturday the 13th, my mom and her friend helped me load my stuff into the truck and loaded down my car even more and I moved to Washington!

Last Friday my mom and I got up around 4:30am and left around 6am to head for Lewiston, Idaho.  Why that small little BFE town?  My mom was meeting a customer...who isn't even her customer but one of her co-workers.  Then we meet up with my youngest sister at the University of Idaho to move her into her dorm.  She started her Junior year of college on Monday.

Today is Thursday and I am dressed like a 40s house wife (will try and attach a picture sometime soon) to go to a family friend's wedding.  My shoes have my toes all cramped and I'm just hoping that my feet go numb and then I won't have to worry about it anymore.  Just to give you an idea of what I'm wearing, I have a black dress with white polka dots, spaghetti straps and a red ribbon that ties under the boobs and around the back.  Like I said...I'm channeling my inner 40s house wife look.  Even have my hair slicked back into a pony tail and some red lip stain and red lip gloss!  Oh I look DAMN GOOD!  (If I do say so myself!)

Tomorrow is my dad's birthday but that isn't a really big deal because the next day...that would be Saturday the 27th I am teaching my first Zumba class in Seattle!  I am super stoked!  And to top it all off, I will be teaching every Saturday and this week I'm covering Sunday and Tuesday mornings also!  How awesome is that!  I guess my title should be "Move, Move, Wedding, Birthday, Teach, Teach, Job Hunt, Teach!"  LOL!

Until next time!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Name Change Fiasco!

Getting married is SO easy!  For a man, you simply said your I Do and sign your name to a marriage license.  For a woman, you simply say your I Do, sign your name to a marriage license with your new last name, take the marriage license to the Department of Licensing and get your name changed on your drivers license, head to the Social Security Administration and wait in line to show them your marriage license and your new drivers license and change your name on your social security card and then you have to hit the bank to change your name where they only need your new drivers license.

When you get a is just a pain in the ASS!  You have like a million pages of paper work that you have to fill out and sign your name a dozen times and a few of them need notarized!  As a man, your divorce is final and then you're done!  As a woman, you have to go back and have a certified copy of your divorce papers or a divorce decree (and there is no difference and the idiot that tells you otherwise doesn't know their head from their own ass) and go through it ALL AGAIN!

My drivers license took less than 5 mintues to get!  Granted I thought I was like 10 minutes late from them opening only to find myself there 20 minutes early...and let me tell you what...that is the way to do it!  I was in, got my number, sat down for about 2 minutes and then was called up!  He changed my name, I signed the card, he took my picture and I was out the door!  I got to the Social Security office, got my number and sat down.  The next person was called up and I thought Sweet...only eight people are ahead of me!  Only to realize that out of the five or six windows that they had, two of them were open and there was a room full of people!  Needless to say I decided that I did not have the patience for waiting and I left.

Today I went to another location in my second attempt to get my social security card.  Armed with my certified copy of my divorce, my new drivers license and the knowledge that my mom was in and out of that same office in about 10 minutes, I took the elevator up to the 4th floor of this office building to find about 60 people sitting there and waiting.  One thing I have to hand to the first office I was at had an option of the screen for name change, this second place did not.  I just kind of picked the "Others" category and thought great...25 people in front of me...maybe this won't be so bad.  They call out several "A" numbers (which is what I had) and then start throwing out other numbers that starts with like a "B" and a "Z"...I thought to myself well this is awesome...I now have no idea how many people are ahead of me!  It was my luck that a lot of people decided to NOT wait.  I'm not quite sure how long I was waiting but I managed to make it through!

Finally got it taken care of though!  Just have to hit up the VA but will wait until I get my actual drivers license and SSC before I attempt to change my name with them.  Until next time!

Sunday, August 7, 2011


Have you ever watched the show "Obsessed" on A&E?  If not I will give you a quick little tid bit about the show.  Each episode focuses on two individuals suffering from some sort of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) who want to get help.  Each person works with a therapist that uses cognitive behavioral therapy to help alleviate the stress, anxiety and compulsions in order to try and live a somewhat normal life.  Being a psychology student, I could go on about cognitive behavioral therapy because it is something that I truly believe in but that is not the focus of this post.

I do not have pity for these people because it is not what these people want.  They do not want people's pity.  They feel so alone and feel like no one understands them.  I do have some fears and things that I do that I suppose could be a form of OCD but compared to what I have seen, it could be an extremely mild form.

Some examples of my OCD would include alphabetizing.  I usually have my DVDs alphabetized by title.  At one point I had considered looking up each title to see what the first category it would fall under and alphabetize them by category and then by title but I knew that would just take too long to do and it would just be easier on me to be like, "Oh I think I want to watch Fried Green Tomatoes tonight." and then just go straight to the 'F' section of my DVDs and there it is instead of trying to figure out which category I filed it under.  I have my CDs alphabetized but those I have alphabetized by categories of Groups, Singles, Solo Artists, Soundtracks.  The categories are alphabetized and then the discs in each category are alphabetized.  If I have multiple CDs by the same group or artist then I do it by release date instead of alphabetical order.  Right now my DVDs and CDs are in shambles and it's driving me nuts but it's not affecting me to the point that I cannot live my life until it is fixed.

When I eat things like M&Ms, Skittles, Runts or anything that consists of different colors, I separate them into groups.  If I have M&Ms or Skittles, I separate by color (not flavor) and then I put them in order from least amount to the highest amount.  If there are two or more colors with the same number then I put them in alphabetical order by color.  With something like Runts, I separate them into their groups and put them in order from least to most and if there are the same numbers I alphabetize them by what they are (bananas, grapes, hearts, etc).

I am very open at the fact that I am afraid of the dark.  My fear of the dark is the type of dark that leaves you in a spot that your eyes cannot adjust to the darkness and you cannot see your and right in front of your face.  I have a very over active imagination and if I were in a room where I could not see and my eyes could not adjust I would lose my mind because I would think that something is in there with me.  I will not look into a mirror in the dark.  It is not that I am afraid of what I will see in the mirror with me because I know that there is nothing there in the dark when I just turn the lights out that were not there with the lights on.  I just cannot do it and I do not know why.  If the power is out and I have to use a flash light to go into the bathroom or use a candle, I have no problem looking into the mirror.  I also do not like having the blinds or curtains opened when it gets dark outside.  My ex and I had our windows replaced in our house last spring or summer and did not have any blinds or curtains to cover the windows or anything and I was always so terrified that I would look up and see someone watching me.  We had French doors in our bedroom and I hated going to sleep in there with nothing to cover the windows.

I prefer to have a bed that is not open underneath, if that makes since.  I had very little anxiety about the bed that my ex husband and I shared because it had drawers that were under the bed so it was not open like someone could hide under it.  I would not check under the bed with the bed we had before because I did feel safe in my house.  When I was a kid, we had left in the morning and forgotten to shut the front door and my mom or dad would have to walk through the house and make sure that no one was in the house before they would let my sisters and me inside the house.  I remember having a bump in the carpet about 2 or 3 feet out from my bed and knew that if there was someone under my bed, they would not be able to reach me at that bump.  If I had to get up in the middle of the night, I would stand on my bed and jump passed that bump in the carpet and when I came back to bed I would dive onto my bed from that same spot.  I do not have those issues right now because I know that I have big blankets and comforters under the bed and that no one would be able to be under the bed.

I have shared some of my big fears.  I do still have some that I am not real comfortable talking about in this type of forum but I hope that one day I will be able to be open about it all.

Until next time!

Saturday, August 6, 2011

It Is Final!

I have been divorced for two and a half weeks...and just found out YESTERDAY!!!  What the eff right?!?  I got some papers in the mail last week but nowhere did it say anything like "You're divorce is final."  I even recall asking the clerk if once the papers were signed did that mean that the divorce was final.  I don't remember what she said...mainly because it was not a yes or no answer.

I decided to deposit some cash at the bank which is about 15 minutes south of the court house...and it take like an hour or so to get there (damn small towns).  I stopped at the court house on the back into town and paid $7.50 to get a "certified" copy of my divorce.  Ya know what it included?  The exact same nine pages I filed a few weeks ago that I got a copy signed by the judge...but with a red stamp that says it is a certified copy...and that red stamp cost me $5!

I move next weekend and will be able to change my name back to my maiden name on my license and social security card and bank and holy much!  I also got the last of my stuff out of the house last night.  It was pretty difficult mainly because I did not go into the yard to see my dogs.  I did get emotional when I was leaving.  I told my ex that I had a pretty difficult weekend.  As excited as I was about getting my Zumba Toning license, I had unknowingly checked into the same Motel 6 that we had stayed at.  On Monday when we were driving up to have lunch with my mom, we stopped at Cabela's and the last time I had been there was with my ex last summer getting camping gear for our road trip this last fall.

I did not think it would be this difficult to find out that my divorce was final.  It was definitely bitter sweet though.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Date Night

Tonight is DATE NIGHT!!!  I'm excited.  Last date night we had was on me.  I modern especially since I do not have a job!  I bought dinner and we went to the Harry Potter premiere.  Despite the little tiff we had in our three or four hour wait between dinner and the movie, our date night went great!

Tonight is all on him!  He's taking me out for sushi (YUMMY) and then we're going to see whatever movie I want to go see.  Only problem...I CAN'T DECIDE WHAT TO SEE!!!

We live in a little po-dunk town so we do not have much to pick from.  We have already seen Harry Potter and Transformers.  I was not really interested in seeing Captain America in theaters and the last showing of Cars 2 just happens to start 10 minutes before he gets off work so here is what I have to pick from:

Cowboys and Aliens
Friends with Benefits
Horrible Bosses
Smurfs (2D b/c we are not good enough to have 3D movies in this town anymore)

I have read and heard nothing but good things about Friends with Benefits and Horrible Bosses but have not really heard anything about Cowboys and Aliens or Smurfs.  I think it may come down to a coin toss between Friends with Benefits and Horrible Bosses.  Now if only I could find that damn quarter I could make a decision now.  I suppose it is hard to have change for someone who very rarely ever carries cash!

So I am now going to post this lovely blog, copy the link to Twitter to see if I can get a reader or two, fix my hair that somehow went from straight last night to half straight/half curly (conundrum) this morning and maybe put on a little make up and, hell, I might even change my clothes into something a little cuter!  I still cannot wear my bra with straps b/c my sunburn from last weekend still hurts too much and man am I peeling like a mo-fo!

Until next time!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

What Reminds You of Fall

I have a new poll up and ready for votes!  My last poll I got one vote...only one!  I have extended the length of this poll to over a month!  In the midst of this summer heat we find ourselves sometimes thinking of the seasons and Fall is one of my favorite seasons!  So what reminds you of Fall?  The smell of cinnamon and nutmeg...well all the spices used in pumpkin pie remind me of Fall.  The leaves changing colors on the trees from the bright greens to yellows and oranges and reds.  The crisp, slightly damp air that almost makes you feel colder than any winter day.  Oh how I wish to experience all the seasons again!  Living on the Pacific Coast the last three years has limited what type of seasons I get.  I get winters with cold, wet rain and maybe a dusting of snow, springs filled with more chilly rain, summer days that are either cold and wet or sunny and cool and fall usually has an Indian Summer.  I cannot complain too much since I lived in New Orleans for five years before here where the seasons are Hot, Really Hot, Painfully Hot, and Slightly Cool.  Be prepared to comment and tell me what reminds you of fall!  I look forward to seeing some responses!

Until next time!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

What To Do On This Beautiful Day?

The sun is shining, the birds are churping.  What is a girl to do on a day like today?  I went for a run last night in the rain.  My new app on my Droid, RunKeeper said that I ran 1.24 miles but when it was reading out my stats it said I ran 1.23 miles.  Either way I ran the whole thing and I haven't gone running in months.  I really wish there was some place close that I could take my roller blades and just go.  There is a pretty smooth trail around the lake but it's not really safe to go by yourself so I won't go.

But seriously...what am I going to do today?  Am I going to stay all cooped up in this house all day?  Am I going to take the dog and go for a walk at the beach?  Am I going to go for a walk or run by myself?  Wanna know the most likely answer?  I'm probably gonna stay home.  As much as I would love to go out, if I did I would try and run errands and that's just gas that I can't afford to use up right now.  Plus I have a long day of driving ahead of me in a couple of days.

This time Thursday I plan to be getting my stuff into my car at the gym and getting ready to head home.  I can't wait to see my momma!  I was texting her last night and asked her if there was any tax-free liquor I needed to grab before I came home and she said no.  I told her I have a cherry lemonade vodka I am going to bring and she said she has rum, wine, and limoncello (sp).  "What about the tequila?"  And she has that too!  She said she'll need that since we're staying in my Grandma's motor home.  Oh boy are we going to bring the party to the annual family camping trip this year!

Well I do have some laundry that I need to finish up and I really don't want to!  Someone broke part of the lint trap in the dryer so it always seems like my socks or other articles of MY clothing are always getting sucked down into it and getting covered in lint and then I have to rewash them!

Monday, July 18, 2011

I'm So Excited and I Just Can't Hide It!

Cheesy title I know but I really am super pumped.  While cruising the Zumba Forum looking to see if anyone was advertising for a Zumba instructor, I came across an instructor leaving the Seattle area and is looking for possible teaching position in her new location.  She included her email address so I emailed her and asked if either of the places she is currently teaching at are or will be looking to fill her spot or just looking in general.  I asked her to keep her eyes and ears open for me if it was okay and she got back to me and said one of the places she works at is looking for someone to teach on Sundays and gave me the name and phone number of the person to contact.

I finally got the nerve to call today.  The person I needed to talk to answered the phone!  Talk about nervous and excited all at the same time.  I told her how I had heard about the position and how I had gotten her name and contact info and she said that I had perfect timing because she was getting ready to post an ad for the position.  I told her I am going to be up in the Everett area at the end of this week before I go camping and told her I could meet with her Friday morning and she said that would be great!  Now I just need to get in touch with my mom and find out when she was wanting to leave to go camping and see if we can just make a detour through Seattle before we head to Cle Elum!

I am so excited that I am still shaking a little!  I did not know what to expect but I just really hope that I get the job!  It gives me one more thing to look forward to when I move!  I am waiting for one of my friends to call me because she said that her gym only offers two Zumba classes and she wishes that there were I am going to have her ask her gym if they would consider adding a class or two and that she knows an instructor!  Hopefully she can get the information of who I would need to contact in order to try and get a job!  I hope if I get this one job first that everything else will go as smoothly!

Until next time!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Adventure Day

I thought today was going to be just a lazy Sunday.  I thought I would spend the day lounging around, playing on the computer and watching movies or tv shows on Netflix.  I woke up this morning and was checking out Facebook and I noticed a friend had posted that she went on a hike and it tracked her distance, time and even her calories that she had burned.  It got me thinking about an app I had downloaded onto my Droid 2.  It's called RunKeeper.  It can be accessed on the web at  I decided to see all of what it had to offer.  I explored it on my phone and then went online and linked it to my Twitter and Facebook accounts and decided to take it for a test drive.

My boyfriend and I drove out to Cape Arago and went hiking on one of the trails.  It tracks how far you go by GPS but for some reason my phone wouldn't pick up a signal.  It took about 1.5 miles up the trail before I finally got a signal.  By the time we got back it said that we had hiked over three miles (so in reality it was over four and probably close to five) and said that it had taken us under 2 hours and I had burned almost 500 calories.

I think I have fallen in love with this app.  I might try it out tomorrow and go for a run and see how it does that way.  I posted it to Facebook and Twitter and on our way back we stopped at the General Store and picked up some liquor and then hit Walmart where we got the rest of what we needed to hit the beach and roast some hot dogs!  We just got back and it was great.  I mean it was just the two of us and it could have been more fun if there were others there but I had a few hot dogs, he cooked up some steak pieces and we had a couple of s'mores.

Now I think it's just about time to type up a rough draft of a Fitness Resume.  I figured it would be good to have one strictly for trying to get jobs teaching Zumba.  Have the dates of when I got my licenses and how long I have been teaching those classes and whatnot.  I figured that if I were trying to get a job working at a gym just to work there then my normal resume would work but for getting a job specific to the training that I have would be a good idea to have a separate one.

Until next time!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

What Is Your Favorite Summer Activity?

Today I am vamping up my blog!  Adding some gidgets or whatever they are called and today I have added a Poll!  "What is your favorite Summer activity?"  There are five choices listed and you can select multiple answers, one of which being "Other".  If you select "Other" I would love for you to use the comment section below to let me know what your other favorite summer activity is!  Poll closes just before midnight on July 25th!  Get your answers in soon!

Until next time!

More Zumba Classes!

I, like any and all Zumba lovers, was checking out the Zumba website and looking at the wonderful new Zumbawear that I want to add to my wishlist (because every ZIN member or student does the same)!  I was checking out the Instructor trainings and was getting excited for my Zumba Toning traning in just a couple weeks!  Two weekends from now to be exact!  As of right now I have my Basic license and my Gold license.  Technically I have FOUR different classes I can teach:

Zumba Gold - For the Older Active Adult
Zumba Gold - For the Beginner
Zumba Gold - Chair Class

A Chair class, for anyone who is reading this and has never been through a Zumba Gold training, is a short class (generally 20 to 30 minutes) where you teach people confined to wheel chairs or have extreme limits, etc.  Instead of doing moves to the music you are helping them move their arms and then legs if they can and just taking it easy and slow so they can still move and have fun!  I do not think I have the courage to do one of those classes because I can get too emotional.

With this Toning license I will have in a couple of weeks, I thought it would just add one more class that I would be teaching but I found some great news on the Zumba website!  Upon completion of my Toning training I can purchase a CD/DVD combo and the classes I will be able to offer after July 30th will now look like this!

Zumba Gold - For the Older Active Adult
Zumba Gold - For the Beginner
Zumba Gold - Chair Class
Zumba Toning
Zumba Gold-Toning

Yep!  That is correct!  They are adding a Toning program to our Gold classes!  You just have to have both licenses in order to teach it!  I am so excited!  That is SIX different classes that I can teach with only three licenses!  Oh man!  I am so happy!  I cannot wait to get started!

I just wanted to share this with everyone!

How Do We Go On?

Before I really get into why I titled this specific blog "How Do We Go On?", I wanted to take a minute to say that I have finally had a chance to sit down and watch the show "Army Wives" (available on Netflix instant queue) and I must say that in all the movies and television shows I have seen, this one does a DAMN good job at really giving viewers an inside look into the lives of military spouses.  While I was not an Army wife, I was a Coast Guard wife and to be honest a military spouse is a military spouse no matter the branch of service.  Not only was I a Coastie wife, I had an upper hand to many of my fellow wives because I was also prior service.  One of the greatest things about this show is that it shows the real struggles that military families deal with.  Deployments, needing your spouse, having friends that have become family to lean on when times get hard.

That may not have been exactly what I wanted to say but I was intrigued to write after one of the episodes.  One of the main characters seeks answers about what it would mean to get a divorce from her active duty husband.  She finds out that if they divorce he will lose his government housing so both of them will have to move off the base, her children will have to change schools because they won't be able to attend school on the base, she finds out that while he remains active duty her children will still get to keep all of the medical and dental and vision benefits but she will not, she will have to surrender her ID, and she will be allowed a percentage of his housing allowance which by the look on her face was a very small percent and she had no idea how she would be able to afford rent or put food on the table for her and her children.  She looked scared and confused out of her mind.

My ex and I do not have children so that is a plus, right?  I had a lot of questions when I was trying to figure out if I was going to try and stick out my marriage or if leaving was the right decision.  I knew that I would have to give up my ID and that I would lose my medical and dental coverage.  I have never heard of a spouse getting a portion of the housing allowance, no matter how big or small the percentage.  I remember laying on the couch in the living room wondering how I was going to support myself.  The only job I managed to find was making minimum wage and even if I had stayed and not quit, there is no way that I would have been able to support myself.  I have a job at a gym that pays me about $150 a month.  How could I afford rent, utilities, car insurance, a cell phone payment, health and dental insurance, let alone have enough money for food and put gas in my car?  If you have noticed, nowhere in there was I thinking about my ex.  That is when I knew what I had to do.

It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.  I still cared about him.  I was with the guy for over five years.  It is not like those feelings just go out the window.  I talked to my friends about what I was thinking and feeling.  By friends I mean my military spouse friends.  They all listened to my comments and concerns and offered their shoulders for me to cry on when I needed them.  What I was not expecting was to lose most of them with my divorce.  While they made promises to be there for me, most of them have gone back on those promises.  Before the decision was made for us to separate, I spent three weeks at my mom's house.  In the time I was gone, rumors started flying with no backing to them but they were still said and believed.  When I got back into town I did not know where I was going to go.  I stopped by a friend's house and she informed me that all of our so-called friends were saying that I was leaving my ex because he could not give me children.  Those words never left my mouth.

Anyway, how do we go on?  How do we go on as former military spouses?  Hell, how do we go on as prior service and former spouse?  It is definitely not easy.  When trying to find a job, I was actually told that I could not be a cashier (that is correct...not even a cashier) at Rite Aid.  I was told that I lacked the experience because I did not have any customer service experience.  I wanted to tell the guy that he was just the manager of a Rite Aid...a drug store...but instead I told him that in my last year in the Coast Guard I did a lot of ordering supplies and that I had to constantly field questions about why we were out of things like batteries and paper towels and how angry they would get and I had to remain calm.  If that is not a form of customer service I do not know what is!  He asked me how I resolved that problem and I informed him that we discovered someone had been stealing boxes of rags and came in one morning with not a single rag and we had to use government funds to go to Sam's Club and get a bunch of paper towels.  Not the best solution but one all the same.

We can go on.  It is never easy to essentially restart your life.  It is hard.  It is long.  It tries our patience.  It pushes us to our limits.  We think that we cannot handle all of the stress.  It feels like we are taking on the whole world by ourselves.  The best way to start moving on is to know that we are not alone.  We have family to lean on.  We need to remember that family does not always mean blood relatives.  Family constitutes those who love us and care about us.  They are the ones that reach out to us when they know we are in pain.  We have to pick ourselves up and face all of our challenges head on.  No matter how we feel, the one thing we need to remember is that no one expects us to do this by ourselves and all we have to do is ask for help.  It may feel like the world is crashing down around us and that we have to fix it but we have to ask for help.  It is okay to let people in.  That is how we go on.

I do not know if any of this really made sense.  It almost feels like I just did a lot of rambling and never quite got to my point but I know that talking about my experiences to friends, family, or my blog has helped me just a little bit.  For me it helps with my healing process and while I still feel really lost and do not know which end is up sometimes, I know that I am strong and that I can handle it.

Until next time...

Thursday, July 7, 2011

One Set of Nerves Gone Only To Be Replaced By More

My motion was granted and I was able to file my response for my divorce!  Color me stoked!  I even told the lady at the court house as I handed her my credit card that I have never been more excited to spend $229 in my life.  She said that she usually sees tears and I told her that when I first found out I did cry because I do not have any money really to my name BUT with all the crap that my ex has put me through I am more than thrilled after all this time waiting to spend the money.  It was like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.

I hit up the post office and sent my ex his copies of the papers and I just felt my nerves melt away.  I stopped by the liquor store on my way back into town for some boxes and it was about 3:30pm.  Normally he is at work by then so you can imagine my surprise and the way my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach when I got two doors down from the house and saw his truck still parked in the driveway.  I busted a U-Turn right there and left.

When I got home I sent him a text asking him to let me know when he had left for work so I could head over and pack some of my stuff.  I just heard back from him and he said that he was not working tonight and to come over and get my stuff.  I told him that no offense but I did not want to be alone in that house with him.  He thought my friend was helping me move today but she cannot help me until tomorrow.  Now I am just waiting to hear if he will just leave the house with the dogs for a couple of hours so I can just get some stuff out of there.  I have my fingers crossed.

I had sent him a text yesterday telling him that I wanted to move stuff out today and tomorrow and he did not respond so this morning I asked him to text me and at least acknowledge that he got my texts and he said that he was dealing with an emergency.  I almost asked him if everything was okay and while I do not know why I care and I do hope that it is not anything terrible BUT I did not ask because really I do not care.

So I suppose that I just have another waiting game on my hands.  I hope he will leave just for a bit so that way I can just go and get it done with!

Until next time!

Still Waiting

I still have my shakes and feeling like I am going to vomit.  After yesterday's post, you know why.  I got my friend and fellow instructor to cover my class for me this morning with all intentions of getting up really early this morning and planting my butt at the court house until I had an answer.  Unfortunately I turned my alarm off without knowing it and did not wake up until after 10am.  I was so angry at myself for that!  So I called them instead and as of about 45 minutes ago, they still did not have an answer.

Knowning that they are closed from noon to 1pm for lunch, I have decided to just wait until about 12:30pm to head out.  I am going to stop and get gas, an energy drink and head out where I will then plant my butt in front of that little window and just wait until they have an answer for me.  If they do not have one by 5pm when they close tonight then I will be back tomorrow morning for certain and will plant my butt there all day until they give me an answer.

What irritates me the most is that how can he (because I did find out that the judge is a he) set a hearing to take place and then not do it?  I mean what if he would have required us to show up and then just never get to us?  Not that it matters to me because I have a VERY flexible job at the gym but my ex is in the military...not that I really give two shits about him but the fact is that it is not right!  If the court says you will have an answer after 3pm on this day and if not by closing then you will the following morning and you still DO NOT have an answer...GRRRRR!

So I am going to make sure that I have everything that I need and I am going to head out in a few minutes and will continue to keep my fingers crossed that my motion will be granted and I will be allowed to file my papers this afternoon.  I have my certificate of mailling form thing all filled out with today's date and I am going to have his copies in an envelope (not sealed in case I do not get an answer today) and as soon as they hopefully tell me yes I can file I am going to do so and then ask if there is a post office in town that I can mail my ex his copies at!  I want this done and over with soon because I am moving in a little over a month and I really want this finalized so I can get home and change my name back and, like I said yesterday, end this horrible chapter in my life and begin the next!

Until next time!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Everything Can Change In A Minute

Today is the day that gets me one step closer to finally ending one horrible chapter in my life and hopefully starting a great new one!  At least I hope so anyway.  I filed a motion to have my default set aside in hopes that I can file my response to my husband's divorce papers.  I have a feeling that I have not written about this so I will give a bit of a back story and try to make it short mainly for the fact that just thinking about it all and how I have gotten to where I am today just makes me so mad!

I was served with divorce papers by a sheriff towards the end of April.  I had no idea what I had to do and what any of the papers meant let alone what form(s) I would need if I wanted to respond.  It was not until the week before my papers were due that I was informed and found out about free legal council here in my small butthole town (which I secretly love in all honesty).

The legal office has funky hours.  Seriously.  I am talking Monday thru Thursday and only from like 1pm to 4pm.  Seriously funky right!  Good thing I do not have a real job to get in the way right!  So anyway I get there as the door is opened and have to fill out some paperwork and had to cross my fingers and hope that my ex had not seen them to help him with the papers because then it would be a conflict of interest and they would have to turn me away.

Getting off the subject.  They are able to see me and get me all the papers I was going to need to try and get any and all fees waived, something called like a CIF or something that contains all the personal information so it does not have to go into the divorce papers (since those are public record) and then my papers for my response.  I spent about two hours the next day filling out form after form and review his giant packet of stuff to try and wrap my head around everything.

When I was finished I went back to the law center to have them check over everything to make sure I had it all filled out and done.  On my way to the office though my ex called me.  He asked if I was planning to respond to anything and I told him yes and he asked me if it was okay that he ask what I was wanting to change.  I told him that the only thing I really wanted to change was the spousal support and that I did not want to increase the amount that he is already giving me but I just wanted to keep it going until I get moved up to my mom's house and get a job that I can financially support myself with.  The only other thing that I was adding was just the stuff that we had already discussed and I just wanted it written down on paper.

See at that point I told him that it was not that I did not trust him but I just wanted it all to be legal.  Now (two months later) I cannot trust a single word that comes out of his mouth.  Anyway, he said that he agreed to what I had said so when I talked to the lawyer he told me of some form called a stipulated judgement or general judgement.  All that form does is take what changes we want to make to the divorce papers and then we sign them, get them notarized and then they get filed...and all that time I spent on the papers I filled out was for nothing.

On the lawyer's advice, he told me to email my ex and let him know that I intend to respond to the papers and give me ten days written notice before filing a default.  A default pretty much means that I would be agreeing to everything that he put in the original papers.  Even though he had agreed to my ideas I still emailed him along with physically mailing him a copy of the email and a hand-written statement saying the exact same thing just to cover my ass.

Good thing I did not toss the papers I had filled out because it was the Thursday before my papers were officially supposed to be filed and I taught my Zumba class that morning and then pretty much diddled around the afternoon before heading over to the house to grab some stuff.  My ex had told me that he had to go into work that morning and was not sure when he would be getting off.  I texted him and told him that I was heading over to the house and packing some stuff.  I did not get a response from him.  I had already told him that I was taking off that weekend to take stuff up to my mom's house and was leaving really early the next morning.

I spent close to an hour and half at the house just filling my car up with bags of stuff (because that is what he did when "packing" my stuff...just tossed everything into plastic grocery bags and I will get to that later) and could not get him to respond to me by text or phone call so finally I just left.  I went to grab some dinner and when my food was about to show up he finally texted me back.  Told me that it was now or never to fill out this paper and I told him that I could do it in an hour and he called me and started yelling at me.  Yelling that he does not agree to anything I had originally said and that he was not going to do that paper I had and that if my papers were not in by that Monday then he was going to default me.  I tried to stay calm and told him that as per my email, he had to give me ten days notice before he could do that and that I would be back in town on Monday.

Needless to say I went to my mom's house for the weekend where all the stuff I had brought with me also included a 55 gallon trash bag FULL of garbage.  I swear he took the empty shampoo bottle out of the trash and put it with all my stuff!  Asshole!!!  So I get back into town and work all week to make sure that I have everything in my response perfect.  I added some other things to my response that my ex and I had verbally agreed on and since I could no longer trust his word I wanted it written down.  I took my papers in the day after Memorial Day and was told that he filed a default on me the Monday before and I could not file.  I wrote a letter to a judge asking me to let me file and telling him what had happened and why my paperwork was not filed on time.

I finally heard back and was told that I had to file a motion to have my default set aside.  That is where I am right now.  I have taken my time to write this not-so-short description to try and pass the time and it has helped.  I now have less than 22 minutes until 3pm when I was told to call.  I filed my motion and waited and waited and had not heard anything so I called a couple weeks ago and they told me that a judge was having a hearing today (that no one had to attend) and was going to make his decision and was told to call after 3pm and if they did not have an answer yet then to call back tomorrow morning.  I am just crossing my fingers that I have an answer today so I can just know what is going to happen.

I know that the judge is either going to look at the case and see it as I cannot file because I had ample time to do so and I did not and since I did not get my paperwork in on time that I am just stuck and he/she'll say no.  Or it can go the other direction and he/she could see that I tried to get my paperwork done and my ex had changed his mind on what we were going to file and then after reading the enclosed copy of the email (with the date on it) asking him to give me notice before a default which he did not and the print out of when things were filed shows that not only did my ex not give me notice but he filed the Monday my papers were due like the minute the court was open.  Hopefully the judge will see how big of a douche bag he was and will grant my motion and allow me to file.

I am so damn nervous I feel like I am going to throw up and I cannot even text my boyfriend for comfort because he left his phone at home.  If I do not find out anything this afternoon I think I might ask one of the other instructors to cover my class in the morning so that way I can keep calling tomorrow if I need to so that way as soon as there is an answer I can be there to file my papers and put myself into even more debt than I have already acquired over the last couple of months.  I am just making that credit card balance higher and higher every day and mostly for gas and food.  Stuff I actually need to survive and live and unfortunately I only make about $150 a MONTH at the gym.  Gosh I cannot wait to move home and get a job and actually make some money and then start school again.  Oh crap I have to call the VA and my school to change my info again.  I might as well just wait until I get to my mom's house next month so that way it won't be a huge mess.  Although I really need to get my bank info set with the VA.

Okay I have about ten minutes and I really feel like I am going to vomit everywhere.  I am starting to shake and I can feel my heart starting to race.  Oh my gosh I just hope that the motion is granted in my favor.  I really need this!  I really, really need this!  I am freaking out.  I just have my fingers crossed that I can file and if that becomes a reality then I am going to keep my fingers crossed that maybe the judge will tell him to pay me more in spousal support.  Oh man I am freaking out.  I think I am just going to call now and see if there is an answer.  If there is then I might just see if someone else can cover my class for me today so I can go file this paperwork!  Wish me luck!

Monday, July 4, 2011

What A Year It Has Been

The title tells it all!  Besides this year, as in 2011, being one of the toughest years I have had to go through emotionally, the last 12 months have been insane.  One year ago today, my mom and her boyfriend were here for the weekend.  In my opinion a very awkward weekend.  I did not really know her boyfriend at all and it was all still so new that my mom and dad had separated and getting a divorce and then she said that he was just a friend and then he turned into her boyfriend and her live-in boyfriend.  I have gotten a little off my topic.  So a year ago my mom and her boyfriend were in town for the 4th of July weekend.  The year before last my mom and my youngest sister came to visit.  Both I spent more time with my mom and whoever came with her than I did with my then husband.

Again...a little off the topic.  My mom and I made a dish to take to a friend's house for a BBQ.  We spent the day together having so much fun, without my husband.  We finally went to the party where my mom and I ended up chugging our wine and having a blast.  When it got a little later, and just seconds after my mom poured me a glass of wine she wanted to head back to the house and make some coffee to kind of warm up a little bit before we headed down town to watch the fireworks.  It was the first time my mom had ever seen me buzzed let alone drunk and I am pretty sure that it was stated to me some time before that day (and seen on countless television shows and movies) that coffee is supposed to sober you up and it seemed to make me drunker and my mom got a kick out of that!

My mom and her boyfriend ended up calling it a night and went back to their hotel to relax in the hot tub before the fireworks went off so even though I will bummed that they had left for the night and I was drunk, my husband and I got in the truck and went up on the hill that gave us a clear view of the show.  I spilled my heart out to him that night.  I told him how much I loved him and how much I needed him.  I confessed to him that I had thought about what I would do if we found out that he could not give me children.  I told him that I had told myself over and over again that I could not stay with someone who could not give me the children that I have been longing for for so long.  I was convinced that if the test results came back saying it was a no-go then I could not stay with him.  I saw the look on his face while I was telling him all of this and then I told him that as much I had myself convinced, I just could not see living my life without him and that I needed him in my life.

I had completely forgotten about that conversation until the other day and it has me all sorts of a mess.  It has left me wondering how did this happen and how did it come to this.  Why hadn't he listened to me and worked with me to help us be happy and more importantly WHY AM I CRYING?  After everything that he has put me through the last couple months with his lies and his constant mood swings and his split second changes.  It all runs back to my feelings of failure.  I know I tried as hard as I could at the time and that I should not feel like I failed but I do still feel like a failure.  I think even after all my progress and not crying in therapy, this may be something I will bring up tomorrow in my session.

I suppose I might just have to inform anyone who cares to read about my little troubles tomorrow night or Wednesday.  For now I think I am going to finish this episode of "Army Wives" and then hop in my car and head out to see if that little convenience store is still open so I might be able to get a little something to celebrate tonight with a man that has been here for me and has helped me stay strong through this whole crappy mess!  Until next time!

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Ready To Move On With My Life

Last night I was invited to an informal going away party for one of my fellow Zumba instructors.  There are seven of us at the gym right now and she is leaving about two weeks.  The invite was sent out to all of us by message on Facebook earlier this month.  She said that she wanted to have just a small get together with all of us instructors at her house and have sushi and drinks and just hang out.

About a week or so ago she sent out another message saying that giving the date (yesterday) and her phone number to get in touch with her if we need directions or anything.  I had asked her through the message for her address to just plug into my GPS on my phone so I would not need directions and she never responded to me.

Friday night, at the gym, we had our first ever Blacklite Zumba Rave.  90 minutes of pure moving and shaking with all seven instructors.  It was a blast.  Before the class started and we were all getting ready I had asked her what time she wanted us all over the next night.  She said around 7pm and said that it was just like an informal gathering which I had figured as much.

So last night I straightened my hair and got dressed and ready to go and around 7pm I sent her a text and asked her for directions to her house.  It is a good thing I had not left the house yet because when she did respond she said that she and her boyfriend had discussed it and that I am "not welcome in [their] home".  Her boyfriend works or worked (he may be on leave now) with my ex.  What I do not understand is that he had offered to get a drink with me and talk about what was going on.  Plus I was kinda friends with her before they even started dating.

I think what got to me the most was the fact that they told me that I am not welcome in their home.  It would have been different, still hurtful but different, if they would have said that it would not have been a good idea.  But seriously, all the time including me only to shut me out at the very last possible second.  What would she have done if I would have written down the directions from our other friend and had just shown up?  I do not think I could have handled hearing that in person.

I just do not understand why I could not be there.  It was for the Zumba instructors...and I am one of the instructors.  She said it was just an informal going away party and that it was just us girls.  If it was just us girls then why was I suddenly not invited.  It does not make any sense and you can guarantee that I am going to ask at least one or two of the other instructors if she gave a reason for me not being there.

I do not know why it surprised me to be honest.  I should have seen it coming or expected it.  It is not like this is the first time I have been excluded from something because of my separation from my ex.  I want to know what lies he has filled everyone with to have made my life just a living hell.  I hate this.  I spent most of today in a horrible state of depression.  Knowing damn well my family history I bought a (small) bottle of tequila last night and took 3 shots and tonight took 4.5 shots.  I am definitely buzzed.

I had a decent sized break down this morning too.  I cried so hard that I could not breath.  I just want to go home.  I just want to move and get up to my mom's house and be near family and friends that will not put me through all this crap and bull shit.  I am ready to just start the new chapter of my life.  I am ready to get up there and get a job and teach Zumba classes where I actually have people show up and not fear having to cancel my classes because no one does show.  I am ready to have the new man in my life with me.  I am ready to have a place of our own without any roommates and just live for us.  He held me most of the day today while I went through my bouts of tears.  It was hard and rough all day.  I could not speak or smile without almost bursting into tears.

I cannot wait for July 6th to come around because then I will know if the judge is going to let me file my papers and respond and I hope I can be out of here by mid August as planned.  It is so damn hard to be here knowing that most of the people here that I had considered to be more than be my family...have turned on me.

Not only was it a slap in the face to be told that I was not welcome in someone's home and given absolutely NO reason as to why, but another "friend" of mine had a going away party last night (and she and her husband are leaving this week) that I did not even get invited to.  I do not remember if I had mentioned this already but it was my idea for them to have a going away party.  She said that they had already packed most of their stuff up and were working on the house and I told her they should do something.  I told her they should go to the local bar or I was sure that any of our friends would let them have it at their home instead and the next thing I know I read on Facebook that they are having a going away party.  I asked one of our mutual friends if she was going and she said yes and said that it was an "Event" created on Facebook and I told her that I was not invited but when she goes to tell them I said have a safe trip to their new home.  I had just a little bit of bitterness in my voice when I said it.  What really does not make sense is that even though her husband was at the same unit as my ex, they did not talk and were not friends.  I was friends with them.  I think it is because the rest of our "friends" are friends with my ex I was not included.  It is still a whole lot of BULL SHIT!

Now that I have gotten most of my drunken ranting out of my system, I think I am going to check out the delicious pumpkin pie that I baked earlier and see if it has cooled enough for me to cut a piece!  Until next time!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Cartoon Characters

This has been on my mind for days!!!  I was walking through WalMart this last week and saw the complete series of "Daria".  All 5 seasons plus two of the movies!  I was so excited that I bought it!  Just started watching season three and I believe I have seen every episode.  It was my favorite show when I was in high school.  Just thinking about her sarcastic attitude and low self-esteem and all the other characters just makes me giggle!

Thinking about Daria got me thinking about all the other cartoon characters that I have loved throughout my life!  It got me thinking about what cartoons everyone else likes/liked.  Put it this way, if you had to pick your absolute most favorite cartoon character to get tattooed on your body, which one would you pick?  I do not really think I could pick.  However at one point I am pretty sure I wanted Buttercup from "The Power Puff Girls" or Scooby Doo or Tinkerbell or Snow White or Doug Funny from "Doug".  Wow!  Tons of cartoons.  Lol!

Please leave your comments on your favorite cartoon character(s) and why you love them!  Even if you do not watch them anymore, just think back!!!

Until Next Time!


Last night was the 1st Blacklite Zumba Rave at the gym.  We had about 35 people along with all seven instructors dressed in whites and glowing in body paint, body glitter, and lots of glow sticks, bracelets and necklaces!  It was 90 minutes of awesomeness.

I just get a little bummed knowing that I am leaving.  Unfortunately I have a little bit of an issue.  I have friends that have come to my classes and say how much they love it and they recommend it to their friends...yet when I see on Facebook that they are in love with the classes of the other instructors and quit showing up to mine just kind of hurts my pride.  It is hard to be motivated to spend all that time working on my play lists and learning new choreography to have no one show up for my classes.

I just needed to vent just a little bit.

Until next time.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Only 15 Minutes

I have just about 15 minutes before I have to leave to head to the gym but I figured that I have not written in months.  I made two previous attempts but did not quite get them done.  A lot has happened since I wrote about Meaghan's death.  To make a long story short, I spent over three weeks in Washington staying at my mom's house in March.  On my way back, I ended up stopping at a rest stop and got into a yelling match with my husband who is now my ex.  We decided that we were separating and getting a divorce.  I spent the next day trying to find a place to live and the two friends I had relied on letting me stay with them turned me down when I was about two hours from town.  I was homeless for about three hours and ended up taking up my friend's offer to stay at his house.

My feelings for him have grown.  I have fallen for him and here I am almost 3 months later and I find myself growing closer and closer to him every day.  He has been here for me through one of the toughest times I have ever gone through.  My ex has been a total douche bag and unfortunately there are not enough hours in a day to describe his douche bagginess!  All I know is that I am so much better off without him in my life.  I have had to make a lot of sacrifices since leaving and have lost a lot of friends because they "do not want to take sides"...yet they have...and they have taken his.  I have slowly come to the conclusion that this has caused me more drama than I even had in high school...and I am related to two girls who say they hate drama and yet always seem to be surrounded by it.

It has been a long time since I was happy and I have been so happy the last few months and I only have the gym I am looking at this very second to thank for that...even as I keep moving my laptop to keep him from seeing what I am typing.  It is only fair that he has to wait until I post for him to read just like the rest of you!

I will try and write more often...then maybe I will have more revelations that I can talk to my therapist about even though I only have a few more sessions.


Sunday, January 23, 2011

A Life Has Been Cut Too Short

I woke up this morning to a phone call from my mom.  She told me that her best friend's daughter was killed in a car accident this morning.  It was like someone reached their hand into my chest and just squeezed my heart.  I physically got sick and then just could not stay at home.  I had to get out of the house.  I went for a drive to just cry and think about her.  I cannot even remember the last time I saw her which only made me even more sad.

When I was younger, I spent a lot of time around her and her brother and their mom and dad.  Her mom has been my mom's best friend since high school and when we were all kids, they were business partners and made all kinds of jewelry.  We went to their house every week or so whenever my mom had to pick up more beads.  She was about a year and a half older than my youngest sister (just celebrated her 21st birthday at the beginning of December) and her brother is the same age as my other sister, 24.

Right now I just cannot seem to recall any memories except two.  When she was little she had this pet rabbit.  She loved the thing until one day it scratched her eyeball and she hated it after that.  She refused to go near it.  The other memory I have is from a few years ago.  I went home and her uncle had invited my family to his restaurant opening.  It was one of those openings to friends and family to see what last minute improvements need to be made before the grand opening to the public happens.  I could not believe how long it had been since I had seen her and I told her that I wanted to see her whenever I came up if I could.

I am sure I have seen her since then but I cannot honestly remember when I did.  She was such a ray of sunlight.  She met my mom's boyfriend at her party and told him that if he hurt her aunt, she would kick his ass and then she laughed and said that she would not really but he got the idea.  That was the way she was!  Always making others laugh with her spunky sense of humor and she had such a contagious laugh.  I was lucky enough to get to talk to her every so often on Facebook but there will not be anymore drunken late night funny status updates to read or pictures that she will post from weekends at the beach or with her friends.

You were 21 years old.  Still a baby in my eyes.  I love you and will miss you forever and always.  Life will never be the same now that you are gone.  Your memory will live on in all who knew you.  You were special.  Definitely one of a kind.  For a while, we will all feel a little empty, like something is missing and then our memories of you will fill that void and we will smile fondly!  May you rest in peace Meaghan!  Below is a link to a youtube video that my sister put together with a couple of her friends of pictures of this amazing young woman.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Try And Try As I Might...

I was sent this amazingly beautiful picture the other day.  It really is gorgeous!  You can see the rays of sunlight shining through this one hole in the clouds.  It made me think and feel all of these amazing things but every time I tried to actually write down all of these wonderful emotions, it all came out wrong.  Nothing seemed to come out right or sound good.  It all seemed to sound really cliche and that is really the last thing I want my writing to sound like.

When I write, I prefer to write from the heart.  I love to write about the feelings that run the deepest in my heart.  I must admit that I do have my dark days where everything just seems to go wrong.  On the rare occasion that I would allow someone to read my work, it always raised eyebrows and people would grow concerned.  Granted they seem to forget that most of that was written in high school and what teenage girl does not have bouts of depression and I would normally end up writing about suicide...even though the actual thought of hurting myself gives me the willies!  I usually freak out when I cut myself shaving my legs.

Since I cannot seem to actually find anything of any sort of relevance to write about right now, I think I will sign off in my usual fashion!