Sunday, August 28, 2011

Doubts and Regrets

I try to have a firm grip on reality and while like any other normal human being (and I use the term "normal" loosely) I have had doubts about situations and people.  One thing that I have always said is that I never have regrets.  Regret is like's just kind of a waste of energy.  What can you really accomplish by hating someone?  Nothing!  What can you achieve by regreting a decision?  Nothing!

Unfortunately not only am I doubting some of the choices that I have made but I just might be starting to regret them.  I find myself constantly trying not to cry.  My heart aches.  I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that I made the wrong choices.

When I was finally able to file my divorce papers I felt relief.  When I found out that my divorce was finalized and that I was no longer married, it felt like a HUGE weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  Unfortunately that was short lived.  I felt depressed and horrible and was always on the constant verge of tears.

It wasn't until last weekend when I helped my mom move my sister into her dorm.  While we were driving there and back it brought back a flood of memories from the road trip that my ex and I took last October.  I actually broke down and confessed to my mom that I missed him and our home and my dogs and the life that I had.  I still love him.  I can think back and see all the appreciation that he did show in his own way.  I told my mom that if I had to go back and do it all over again, I would have stayed up here at my mom's house and figured things out and then gone home and worked on our marriage.

I really want to tell him but I don't think that it would or could make a difference.

Until next time.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Move, Move, Wedding, Teach!

Just a quick little break down of the last 2 weeks of my life!  This time 2 weeks ago I had taught my last class in Coos Bay and was participating in my very last set of evening Zumba classes at the gym.  On Saturday the 13th, my mom and her friend helped me load my stuff into the truck and loaded down my car even more and I moved to Washington!

Last Friday my mom and I got up around 4:30am and left around 6am to head for Lewiston, Idaho.  Why that small little BFE town?  My mom was meeting a customer...who isn't even her customer but one of her co-workers.  Then we meet up with my youngest sister at the University of Idaho to move her into her dorm.  She started her Junior year of college on Monday.

Today is Thursday and I am dressed like a 40s house wife (will try and attach a picture sometime soon) to go to a family friend's wedding.  My shoes have my toes all cramped and I'm just hoping that my feet go numb and then I won't have to worry about it anymore.  Just to give you an idea of what I'm wearing, I have a black dress with white polka dots, spaghetti straps and a red ribbon that ties under the boobs and around the back.  Like I said...I'm channeling my inner 40s house wife look.  Even have my hair slicked back into a pony tail and some red lip stain and red lip gloss!  Oh I look DAMN GOOD!  (If I do say so myself!)

Tomorrow is my dad's birthday but that isn't a really big deal because the next day...that would be Saturday the 27th I am teaching my first Zumba class in Seattle!  I am super stoked!  And to top it all off, I will be teaching every Saturday and this week I'm covering Sunday and Tuesday mornings also!  How awesome is that!  I guess my title should be "Move, Move, Wedding, Birthday, Teach, Teach, Job Hunt, Teach!"  LOL!

Until next time!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Name Change Fiasco!

Getting married is SO easy!  For a man, you simply said your I Do and sign your name to a marriage license.  For a woman, you simply say your I Do, sign your name to a marriage license with your new last name, take the marriage license to the Department of Licensing and get your name changed on your drivers license, head to the Social Security Administration and wait in line to show them your marriage license and your new drivers license and change your name on your social security card and then you have to hit the bank to change your name where they only need your new drivers license.

When you get a is just a pain in the ASS!  You have like a million pages of paper work that you have to fill out and sign your name a dozen times and a few of them need notarized!  As a man, your divorce is final and then you're done!  As a woman, you have to go back and have a certified copy of your divorce papers or a divorce decree (and there is no difference and the idiot that tells you otherwise doesn't know their head from their own ass) and go through it ALL AGAIN!

My drivers license took less than 5 mintues to get!  Granted I thought I was like 10 minutes late from them opening only to find myself there 20 minutes early...and let me tell you what...that is the way to do it!  I was in, got my number, sat down for about 2 minutes and then was called up!  He changed my name, I signed the card, he took my picture and I was out the door!  I got to the Social Security office, got my number and sat down.  The next person was called up and I thought Sweet...only eight people are ahead of me!  Only to realize that out of the five or six windows that they had, two of them were open and there was a room full of people!  Needless to say I decided that I did not have the patience for waiting and I left.

Today I went to another location in my second attempt to get my social security card.  Armed with my certified copy of my divorce, my new drivers license and the knowledge that my mom was in and out of that same office in about 10 minutes, I took the elevator up to the 4th floor of this office building to find about 60 people sitting there and waiting.  One thing I have to hand to the first office I was at had an option of the screen for name change, this second place did not.  I just kind of picked the "Others" category and thought great...25 people in front of me...maybe this won't be so bad.  They call out several "A" numbers (which is what I had) and then start throwing out other numbers that starts with like a "B" and a "Z"...I thought to myself well this is awesome...I now have no idea how many people are ahead of me!  It was my luck that a lot of people decided to NOT wait.  I'm not quite sure how long I was waiting but I managed to make it through!

Finally got it taken care of though!  Just have to hit up the VA but will wait until I get my actual drivers license and SSC before I attempt to change my name with them.  Until next time!

Sunday, August 7, 2011


Have you ever watched the show "Obsessed" on A&E?  If not I will give you a quick little tid bit about the show.  Each episode focuses on two individuals suffering from some sort of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) who want to get help.  Each person works with a therapist that uses cognitive behavioral therapy to help alleviate the stress, anxiety and compulsions in order to try and live a somewhat normal life.  Being a psychology student, I could go on about cognitive behavioral therapy because it is something that I truly believe in but that is not the focus of this post.

I do not have pity for these people because it is not what these people want.  They do not want people's pity.  They feel so alone and feel like no one understands them.  I do have some fears and things that I do that I suppose could be a form of OCD but compared to what I have seen, it could be an extremely mild form.

Some examples of my OCD would include alphabetizing.  I usually have my DVDs alphabetized by title.  At one point I had considered looking up each title to see what the first category it would fall under and alphabetize them by category and then by title but I knew that would just take too long to do and it would just be easier on me to be like, "Oh I think I want to watch Fried Green Tomatoes tonight." and then just go straight to the 'F' section of my DVDs and there it is instead of trying to figure out which category I filed it under.  I have my CDs alphabetized but those I have alphabetized by categories of Groups, Singles, Solo Artists, Soundtracks.  The categories are alphabetized and then the discs in each category are alphabetized.  If I have multiple CDs by the same group or artist then I do it by release date instead of alphabetical order.  Right now my DVDs and CDs are in shambles and it's driving me nuts but it's not affecting me to the point that I cannot live my life until it is fixed.

When I eat things like M&Ms, Skittles, Runts or anything that consists of different colors, I separate them into groups.  If I have M&Ms or Skittles, I separate by color (not flavor) and then I put them in order from least amount to the highest amount.  If there are two or more colors with the same number then I put them in alphabetical order by color.  With something like Runts, I separate them into their groups and put them in order from least to most and if there are the same numbers I alphabetize them by what they are (bananas, grapes, hearts, etc).

I am very open at the fact that I am afraid of the dark.  My fear of the dark is the type of dark that leaves you in a spot that your eyes cannot adjust to the darkness and you cannot see your and right in front of your face.  I have a very over active imagination and if I were in a room where I could not see and my eyes could not adjust I would lose my mind because I would think that something is in there with me.  I will not look into a mirror in the dark.  It is not that I am afraid of what I will see in the mirror with me because I know that there is nothing there in the dark when I just turn the lights out that were not there with the lights on.  I just cannot do it and I do not know why.  If the power is out and I have to use a flash light to go into the bathroom or use a candle, I have no problem looking into the mirror.  I also do not like having the blinds or curtains opened when it gets dark outside.  My ex and I had our windows replaced in our house last spring or summer and did not have any blinds or curtains to cover the windows or anything and I was always so terrified that I would look up and see someone watching me.  We had French doors in our bedroom and I hated going to sleep in there with nothing to cover the windows.

I prefer to have a bed that is not open underneath, if that makes since.  I had very little anxiety about the bed that my ex husband and I shared because it had drawers that were under the bed so it was not open like someone could hide under it.  I would not check under the bed with the bed we had before because I did feel safe in my house.  When I was a kid, we had left in the morning and forgotten to shut the front door and my mom or dad would have to walk through the house and make sure that no one was in the house before they would let my sisters and me inside the house.  I remember having a bump in the carpet about 2 or 3 feet out from my bed and knew that if there was someone under my bed, they would not be able to reach me at that bump.  If I had to get up in the middle of the night, I would stand on my bed and jump passed that bump in the carpet and when I came back to bed I would dive onto my bed from that same spot.  I do not have those issues right now because I know that I have big blankets and comforters under the bed and that no one would be able to be under the bed.

I have shared some of my big fears.  I do still have some that I am not real comfortable talking about in this type of forum but I hope that one day I will be able to be open about it all.

Until next time!

Saturday, August 6, 2011

It Is Final!

I have been divorced for two and a half weeks...and just found out YESTERDAY!!!  What the eff right?!?  I got some papers in the mail last week but nowhere did it say anything like "You're divorce is final."  I even recall asking the clerk if once the papers were signed did that mean that the divorce was final.  I don't remember what she said...mainly because it was not a yes or no answer.

I decided to deposit some cash at the bank which is about 15 minutes south of the court house...and it take like an hour or so to get there (damn small towns).  I stopped at the court house on the back into town and paid $7.50 to get a "certified" copy of my divorce.  Ya know what it included?  The exact same nine pages I filed a few weeks ago that I got a copy signed by the judge...but with a red stamp that says it is a certified copy...and that red stamp cost me $5!

I move next weekend and will be able to change my name back to my maiden name on my license and social security card and bank and holy much!  I also got the last of my stuff out of the house last night.  It was pretty difficult mainly because I did not go into the yard to see my dogs.  I did get emotional when I was leaving.  I told my ex that I had a pretty difficult weekend.  As excited as I was about getting my Zumba Toning license, I had unknowingly checked into the same Motel 6 that we had stayed at.  On Monday when we were driving up to have lunch with my mom, we stopped at Cabela's and the last time I had been there was with my ex last summer getting camping gear for our road trip this last fall.

I did not think it would be this difficult to find out that my divorce was final.  It was definitely bitter sweet though.