Thursday, March 14, 2013

A Storm is Heading This Way

Less than 20 minutes ago, I was sitting at the breakfast bar in the kitchen.  My mom and step dad were either somewhere in the house or outside or one out and one in...I do not know...but I sat there, taking a sip of my sweet tea when it hit me.  I mean it all makes sense really when I think about it.

Trouble Sleeping
Little/No Appetite
Constant Exhaustion
Body Aches (not flu like)
Losing Hope

It is all so clear now!  I mean it feels like the whole world is caving in on me.  I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.  It feels like I will never be out of I will never be able to save any I will not be able to move out on my own any time soon.

I feel like there is a heavy weight on my shoulders.

I always feel like I am on the verge of a melt down.

I do one hell of a good impression of someone who does not have a care in the world.

I feel alone.

I do have a bit of happiness in my life, however.  I have the love of a wonderful man.  I got to hear those special words that gave me chills.  He filled my heart with so much joy that I almost cried tears of joy instead of sadness.

It has been years since I have felt this way for someone else that I almost forgot how amazing it is.  The rush of always thinking about him...wanting to spend every waking moment by his side.  A feeling so strong that it is felt with every fiber of my being to want to fall asleep in his arms every night and wake up the same way.

It finally feels right!  Like I almost understand why nothing else has worked in the past.  I was meant to be with this man...I was not meant to have a family with anyone else...I was not meant to be with anyone else.

I am going to cling to that bit of happiness and hope that it will see me through this darkness...that this man that I want to have my heart will help to keep my safe and sane when it so frequently feels hopeless.  I wanted to share my struggle but I suppose I am still not fully ready to write about everything that is getting me down.  I also wanted to share my bit of happiness.  Knowing that this man loves me makes me feel like there is a sparkle back in my eye!

Until next time!

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Life Is Too Short To Stand Still

I love the fact that I live less than 15 minutes from work.  I know the latest I can leave in the morning and still make it to work about five minutes early...even if I get stuck at the red lights...or have to go a different route because of road closures...which has happened a couple of times and I have had to turn around and go a round-about way to get to work...which took an extra five to ten minutes.

I had a great and busy day today!  I started my morning by having coffee in Seattle with a fellow Zumba instructor friend that I have not seen in over a year...we have talked on Facebook and text messaging but we have not actually seen each other since last February when the dance studio we worked celebrated the one year anniversary.

After catching up, I filled up my tank and headed up to Marysville where I had lunch with another fellow Zumba instructor.  I love hanging out with her!  On my way home, I got stuck in afternoon traffic...assuming it was for shift change at Boeing.

I really do not mind sitting in traffic.  I love to crank up the music and sing.  The part that gives me anxiety is being stuck next to semi trucks.  I cannot breathe.  I cannot think.  I literally move my whole body in the opposite direction of which ever side the truck is coming up on.  My heart feels like it is going to stop when one comes up behind me.

I cannot think of anything worse than being stuck in traffic by semi trucks.  Well I am going to bed...until next time!