Thursday, March 14, 2013

A Storm is Heading This Way

Less than 20 minutes ago, I was sitting at the breakfast bar in the kitchen.  My mom and step dad were either somewhere in the house or outside or one out and one in...I do not know...but I sat there, taking a sip of my sweet tea when it hit me.  I mean it all makes sense really when I think about it.

Trouble Sleeping
Little/No Appetite
Constant Exhaustion
Body Aches (not flu like)
Losing Hope

It is all so clear now!  I mean it feels like the whole world is caving in on me.  I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.  It feels like I will never be out of I will never be able to save any I will not be able to move out on my own any time soon.

I feel like there is a heavy weight on my shoulders.

I always feel like I am on the verge of a melt down.

I do one hell of a good impression of someone who does not have a care in the world.

I feel alone.

I do have a bit of happiness in my life, however.  I have the love of a wonderful man.  I got to hear those special words that gave me chills.  He filled my heart with so much joy that I almost cried tears of joy instead of sadness.

It has been years since I have felt this way for someone else that I almost forgot how amazing it is.  The rush of always thinking about him...wanting to spend every waking moment by his side.  A feeling so strong that it is felt with every fiber of my being to want to fall asleep in his arms every night and wake up the same way.

It finally feels right!  Like I almost understand why nothing else has worked in the past.  I was meant to be with this man...I was not meant to have a family with anyone else...I was not meant to be with anyone else.

I am going to cling to that bit of happiness and hope that it will see me through this darkness...that this man that I want to have my heart will help to keep my safe and sane when it so frequently feels hopeless.  I wanted to share my struggle but I suppose I am still not fully ready to write about everything that is getting me down.  I also wanted to share my bit of happiness.  Knowing that this man loves me makes me feel like there is a sparkle back in my eye!

Until next time!