Friday, July 29, 2011

Date Night

Tonight is DATE NIGHT!!!  I'm excited.  Last date night we had was on me.  I modern especially since I do not have a job!  I bought dinner and we went to the Harry Potter premiere.  Despite the little tiff we had in our three or four hour wait between dinner and the movie, our date night went great!

Tonight is all on him!  He's taking me out for sushi (YUMMY) and then we're going to see whatever movie I want to go see.  Only problem...I CAN'T DECIDE WHAT TO SEE!!!

We live in a little po-dunk town so we do not have much to pick from.  We have already seen Harry Potter and Transformers.  I was not really interested in seeing Captain America in theaters and the last showing of Cars 2 just happens to start 10 minutes before he gets off work so here is what I have to pick from:

Cowboys and Aliens
Friends with Benefits
Horrible Bosses
Smurfs (2D b/c we are not good enough to have 3D movies in this town anymore)

I have read and heard nothing but good things about Friends with Benefits and Horrible Bosses but have not really heard anything about Cowboys and Aliens or Smurfs.  I think it may come down to a coin toss between Friends with Benefits and Horrible Bosses.  Now if only I could find that damn quarter I could make a decision now.  I suppose it is hard to have change for someone who very rarely ever carries cash!

So I am now going to post this lovely blog, copy the link to Twitter to see if I can get a reader or two, fix my hair that somehow went from straight last night to half straight/half curly (conundrum) this morning and maybe put on a little make up and, hell, I might even change my clothes into something a little cuter!  I still cannot wear my bra with straps b/c my sunburn from last weekend still hurts too much and man am I peeling like a mo-fo!

Until next time!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

What Reminds You of Fall

I have a new poll up and ready for votes!  My last poll I got one vote...only one!  I have extended the length of this poll to over a month!  In the midst of this summer heat we find ourselves sometimes thinking of the seasons and Fall is one of my favorite seasons!  So what reminds you of Fall?  The smell of cinnamon and nutmeg...well all the spices used in pumpkin pie remind me of Fall.  The leaves changing colors on the trees from the bright greens to yellows and oranges and reds.  The crisp, slightly damp air that almost makes you feel colder than any winter day.  Oh how I wish to experience all the seasons again!  Living on the Pacific Coast the last three years has limited what type of seasons I get.  I get winters with cold, wet rain and maybe a dusting of snow, springs filled with more chilly rain, summer days that are either cold and wet or sunny and cool and fall usually has an Indian Summer.  I cannot complain too much since I lived in New Orleans for five years before here where the seasons are Hot, Really Hot, Painfully Hot, and Slightly Cool.  Be prepared to comment and tell me what reminds you of fall!  I look forward to seeing some responses!

Until next time!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

What To Do On This Beautiful Day?

The sun is shining, the birds are churping.  What is a girl to do on a day like today?  I went for a run last night in the rain.  My new app on my Droid, RunKeeper said that I ran 1.24 miles but when it was reading out my stats it said I ran 1.23 miles.  Either way I ran the whole thing and I haven't gone running in months.  I really wish there was some place close that I could take my roller blades and just go.  There is a pretty smooth trail around the lake but it's not really safe to go by yourself so I won't go.

But seriously...what am I going to do today?  Am I going to stay all cooped up in this house all day?  Am I going to take the dog and go for a walk at the beach?  Am I going to go for a walk or run by myself?  Wanna know the most likely answer?  I'm probably gonna stay home.  As much as I would love to go out, if I did I would try and run errands and that's just gas that I can't afford to use up right now.  Plus I have a long day of driving ahead of me in a couple of days.

This time Thursday I plan to be getting my stuff into my car at the gym and getting ready to head home.  I can't wait to see my momma!  I was texting her last night and asked her if there was any tax-free liquor I needed to grab before I came home and she said no.  I told her I have a cherry lemonade vodka I am going to bring and she said she has rum, wine, and limoncello (sp).  "What about the tequila?"  And she has that too!  She said she'll need that since we're staying in my Grandma's motor home.  Oh boy are we going to bring the party to the annual family camping trip this year!

Well I do have some laundry that I need to finish up and I really don't want to!  Someone broke part of the lint trap in the dryer so it always seems like my socks or other articles of MY clothing are always getting sucked down into it and getting covered in lint and then I have to rewash them!

Monday, July 18, 2011

I'm So Excited and I Just Can't Hide It!

Cheesy title I know but I really am super pumped.  While cruising the Zumba Forum looking to see if anyone was advertising for a Zumba instructor, I came across an instructor leaving the Seattle area and is looking for possible teaching position in her new location.  She included her email address so I emailed her and asked if either of the places she is currently teaching at are or will be looking to fill her spot or just looking in general.  I asked her to keep her eyes and ears open for me if it was okay and she got back to me and said one of the places she works at is looking for someone to teach on Sundays and gave me the name and phone number of the person to contact.

I finally got the nerve to call today.  The person I needed to talk to answered the phone!  Talk about nervous and excited all at the same time.  I told her how I had heard about the position and how I had gotten her name and contact info and she said that I had perfect timing because she was getting ready to post an ad for the position.  I told her I am going to be up in the Everett area at the end of this week before I go camping and told her I could meet with her Friday morning and she said that would be great!  Now I just need to get in touch with my mom and find out when she was wanting to leave to go camping and see if we can just make a detour through Seattle before we head to Cle Elum!

I am so excited that I am still shaking a little!  I did not know what to expect but I just really hope that I get the job!  It gives me one more thing to look forward to when I move!  I am waiting for one of my friends to call me because she said that her gym only offers two Zumba classes and she wishes that there were I am going to have her ask her gym if they would consider adding a class or two and that she knows an instructor!  Hopefully she can get the information of who I would need to contact in order to try and get a job!  I hope if I get this one job first that everything else will go as smoothly!

Until next time!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Adventure Day

I thought today was going to be just a lazy Sunday.  I thought I would spend the day lounging around, playing on the computer and watching movies or tv shows on Netflix.  I woke up this morning and was checking out Facebook and I noticed a friend had posted that she went on a hike and it tracked her distance, time and even her calories that she had burned.  It got me thinking about an app I had downloaded onto my Droid 2.  It's called RunKeeper.  It can be accessed on the web at  I decided to see all of what it had to offer.  I explored it on my phone and then went online and linked it to my Twitter and Facebook accounts and decided to take it for a test drive.

My boyfriend and I drove out to Cape Arago and went hiking on one of the trails.  It tracks how far you go by GPS but for some reason my phone wouldn't pick up a signal.  It took about 1.5 miles up the trail before I finally got a signal.  By the time we got back it said that we had hiked over three miles (so in reality it was over four and probably close to five) and said that it had taken us under 2 hours and I had burned almost 500 calories.

I think I have fallen in love with this app.  I might try it out tomorrow and go for a run and see how it does that way.  I posted it to Facebook and Twitter and on our way back we stopped at the General Store and picked up some liquor and then hit Walmart where we got the rest of what we needed to hit the beach and roast some hot dogs!  We just got back and it was great.  I mean it was just the two of us and it could have been more fun if there were others there but I had a few hot dogs, he cooked up some steak pieces and we had a couple of s'mores.

Now I think it's just about time to type up a rough draft of a Fitness Resume.  I figured it would be good to have one strictly for trying to get jobs teaching Zumba.  Have the dates of when I got my licenses and how long I have been teaching those classes and whatnot.  I figured that if I were trying to get a job working at a gym just to work there then my normal resume would work but for getting a job specific to the training that I have would be a good idea to have a separate one.

Until next time!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

What Is Your Favorite Summer Activity?

Today I am vamping up my blog!  Adding some gidgets or whatever they are called and today I have added a Poll!  "What is your favorite Summer activity?"  There are five choices listed and you can select multiple answers, one of which being "Other".  If you select "Other" I would love for you to use the comment section below to let me know what your other favorite summer activity is!  Poll closes just before midnight on July 25th!  Get your answers in soon!

Until next time!

More Zumba Classes!

I, like any and all Zumba lovers, was checking out the Zumba website and looking at the wonderful new Zumbawear that I want to add to my wishlist (because every ZIN member or student does the same)!  I was checking out the Instructor trainings and was getting excited for my Zumba Toning traning in just a couple weeks!  Two weekends from now to be exact!  As of right now I have my Basic license and my Gold license.  Technically I have FOUR different classes I can teach:

Zumba Gold - For the Older Active Adult
Zumba Gold - For the Beginner
Zumba Gold - Chair Class

A Chair class, for anyone who is reading this and has never been through a Zumba Gold training, is a short class (generally 20 to 30 minutes) where you teach people confined to wheel chairs or have extreme limits, etc.  Instead of doing moves to the music you are helping them move their arms and then legs if they can and just taking it easy and slow so they can still move and have fun!  I do not think I have the courage to do one of those classes because I can get too emotional.

With this Toning license I will have in a couple of weeks, I thought it would just add one more class that I would be teaching but I found some great news on the Zumba website!  Upon completion of my Toning training I can purchase a CD/DVD combo and the classes I will be able to offer after July 30th will now look like this!

Zumba Gold - For the Older Active Adult
Zumba Gold - For the Beginner
Zumba Gold - Chair Class
Zumba Toning
Zumba Gold-Toning

Yep!  That is correct!  They are adding a Toning program to our Gold classes!  You just have to have both licenses in order to teach it!  I am so excited!  That is SIX different classes that I can teach with only three licenses!  Oh man!  I am so happy!  I cannot wait to get started!

I just wanted to share this with everyone!

How Do We Go On?

Before I really get into why I titled this specific blog "How Do We Go On?", I wanted to take a minute to say that I have finally had a chance to sit down and watch the show "Army Wives" (available on Netflix instant queue) and I must say that in all the movies and television shows I have seen, this one does a DAMN good job at really giving viewers an inside look into the lives of military spouses.  While I was not an Army wife, I was a Coast Guard wife and to be honest a military spouse is a military spouse no matter the branch of service.  Not only was I a Coastie wife, I had an upper hand to many of my fellow wives because I was also prior service.  One of the greatest things about this show is that it shows the real struggles that military families deal with.  Deployments, needing your spouse, having friends that have become family to lean on when times get hard.

That may not have been exactly what I wanted to say but I was intrigued to write after one of the episodes.  One of the main characters seeks answers about what it would mean to get a divorce from her active duty husband.  She finds out that if they divorce he will lose his government housing so both of them will have to move off the base, her children will have to change schools because they won't be able to attend school on the base, she finds out that while he remains active duty her children will still get to keep all of the medical and dental and vision benefits but she will not, she will have to surrender her ID, and she will be allowed a percentage of his housing allowance which by the look on her face was a very small percent and she had no idea how she would be able to afford rent or put food on the table for her and her children.  She looked scared and confused out of her mind.

My ex and I do not have children so that is a plus, right?  I had a lot of questions when I was trying to figure out if I was going to try and stick out my marriage or if leaving was the right decision.  I knew that I would have to give up my ID and that I would lose my medical and dental coverage.  I have never heard of a spouse getting a portion of the housing allowance, no matter how big or small the percentage.  I remember laying on the couch in the living room wondering how I was going to support myself.  The only job I managed to find was making minimum wage and even if I had stayed and not quit, there is no way that I would have been able to support myself.  I have a job at a gym that pays me about $150 a month.  How could I afford rent, utilities, car insurance, a cell phone payment, health and dental insurance, let alone have enough money for food and put gas in my car?  If you have noticed, nowhere in there was I thinking about my ex.  That is when I knew what I had to do.

It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.  I still cared about him.  I was with the guy for over five years.  It is not like those feelings just go out the window.  I talked to my friends about what I was thinking and feeling.  By friends I mean my military spouse friends.  They all listened to my comments and concerns and offered their shoulders for me to cry on when I needed them.  What I was not expecting was to lose most of them with my divorce.  While they made promises to be there for me, most of them have gone back on those promises.  Before the decision was made for us to separate, I spent three weeks at my mom's house.  In the time I was gone, rumors started flying with no backing to them but they were still said and believed.  When I got back into town I did not know where I was going to go.  I stopped by a friend's house and she informed me that all of our so-called friends were saying that I was leaving my ex because he could not give me children.  Those words never left my mouth.

Anyway, how do we go on?  How do we go on as former military spouses?  Hell, how do we go on as prior service and former spouse?  It is definitely not easy.  When trying to find a job, I was actually told that I could not be a cashier (that is correct...not even a cashier) at Rite Aid.  I was told that I lacked the experience because I did not have any customer service experience.  I wanted to tell the guy that he was just the manager of a Rite Aid...a drug store...but instead I told him that in my last year in the Coast Guard I did a lot of ordering supplies and that I had to constantly field questions about why we were out of things like batteries and paper towels and how angry they would get and I had to remain calm.  If that is not a form of customer service I do not know what is!  He asked me how I resolved that problem and I informed him that we discovered someone had been stealing boxes of rags and came in one morning with not a single rag and we had to use government funds to go to Sam's Club and get a bunch of paper towels.  Not the best solution but one all the same.

We can go on.  It is never easy to essentially restart your life.  It is hard.  It is long.  It tries our patience.  It pushes us to our limits.  We think that we cannot handle all of the stress.  It feels like we are taking on the whole world by ourselves.  The best way to start moving on is to know that we are not alone.  We have family to lean on.  We need to remember that family does not always mean blood relatives.  Family constitutes those who love us and care about us.  They are the ones that reach out to us when they know we are in pain.  We have to pick ourselves up and face all of our challenges head on.  No matter how we feel, the one thing we need to remember is that no one expects us to do this by ourselves and all we have to do is ask for help.  It may feel like the world is crashing down around us and that we have to fix it but we have to ask for help.  It is okay to let people in.  That is how we go on.

I do not know if any of this really made sense.  It almost feels like I just did a lot of rambling and never quite got to my point but I know that talking about my experiences to friends, family, or my blog has helped me just a little bit.  For me it helps with my healing process and while I still feel really lost and do not know which end is up sometimes, I know that I am strong and that I can handle it.

Until next time...

Thursday, July 7, 2011

One Set of Nerves Gone Only To Be Replaced By More

My motion was granted and I was able to file my response for my divorce!  Color me stoked!  I even told the lady at the court house as I handed her my credit card that I have never been more excited to spend $229 in my life.  She said that she usually sees tears and I told her that when I first found out I did cry because I do not have any money really to my name BUT with all the crap that my ex has put me through I am more than thrilled after all this time waiting to spend the money.  It was like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.

I hit up the post office and sent my ex his copies of the papers and I just felt my nerves melt away.  I stopped by the liquor store on my way back into town for some boxes and it was about 3:30pm.  Normally he is at work by then so you can imagine my surprise and the way my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach when I got two doors down from the house and saw his truck still parked in the driveway.  I busted a U-Turn right there and left.

When I got home I sent him a text asking him to let me know when he had left for work so I could head over and pack some of my stuff.  I just heard back from him and he said that he was not working tonight and to come over and get my stuff.  I told him that no offense but I did not want to be alone in that house with him.  He thought my friend was helping me move today but she cannot help me until tomorrow.  Now I am just waiting to hear if he will just leave the house with the dogs for a couple of hours so I can just get some stuff out of there.  I have my fingers crossed.

I had sent him a text yesterday telling him that I wanted to move stuff out today and tomorrow and he did not respond so this morning I asked him to text me and at least acknowledge that he got my texts and he said that he was dealing with an emergency.  I almost asked him if everything was okay and while I do not know why I care and I do hope that it is not anything terrible BUT I did not ask because really I do not care.

So I suppose that I just have another waiting game on my hands.  I hope he will leave just for a bit so that way I can just go and get it done with!

Until next time!

Still Waiting

I still have my shakes and feeling like I am going to vomit.  After yesterday's post, you know why.  I got my friend and fellow instructor to cover my class for me this morning with all intentions of getting up really early this morning and planting my butt at the court house until I had an answer.  Unfortunately I turned my alarm off without knowing it and did not wake up until after 10am.  I was so angry at myself for that!  So I called them instead and as of about 45 minutes ago, they still did not have an answer.

Knowning that they are closed from noon to 1pm for lunch, I have decided to just wait until about 12:30pm to head out.  I am going to stop and get gas, an energy drink and head out where I will then plant my butt in front of that little window and just wait until they have an answer for me.  If they do not have one by 5pm when they close tonight then I will be back tomorrow morning for certain and will plant my butt there all day until they give me an answer.

What irritates me the most is that how can he (because I did find out that the judge is a he) set a hearing to take place and then not do it?  I mean what if he would have required us to show up and then just never get to us?  Not that it matters to me because I have a VERY flexible job at the gym but my ex is in the military...not that I really give two shits about him but the fact is that it is not right!  If the court says you will have an answer after 3pm on this day and if not by closing then you will the following morning and you still DO NOT have an answer...GRRRRR!

So I am going to make sure that I have everything that I need and I am going to head out in a few minutes and will continue to keep my fingers crossed that my motion will be granted and I will be allowed to file my papers this afternoon.  I have my certificate of mailling form thing all filled out with today's date and I am going to have his copies in an envelope (not sealed in case I do not get an answer today) and as soon as they hopefully tell me yes I can file I am going to do so and then ask if there is a post office in town that I can mail my ex his copies at!  I want this done and over with soon because I am moving in a little over a month and I really want this finalized so I can get home and change my name back and, like I said yesterday, end this horrible chapter in my life and begin the next!

Until next time!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Everything Can Change In A Minute

Today is the day that gets me one step closer to finally ending one horrible chapter in my life and hopefully starting a great new one!  At least I hope so anyway.  I filed a motion to have my default set aside in hopes that I can file my response to my husband's divorce papers.  I have a feeling that I have not written about this so I will give a bit of a back story and try to make it short mainly for the fact that just thinking about it all and how I have gotten to where I am today just makes me so mad!

I was served with divorce papers by a sheriff towards the end of April.  I had no idea what I had to do and what any of the papers meant let alone what form(s) I would need if I wanted to respond.  It was not until the week before my papers were due that I was informed and found out about free legal council here in my small butthole town (which I secretly love in all honesty).

The legal office has funky hours.  Seriously.  I am talking Monday thru Thursday and only from like 1pm to 4pm.  Seriously funky right!  Good thing I do not have a real job to get in the way right!  So anyway I get there as the door is opened and have to fill out some paperwork and had to cross my fingers and hope that my ex had not seen them to help him with the papers because then it would be a conflict of interest and they would have to turn me away.

Getting off the subject.  They are able to see me and get me all the papers I was going to need to try and get any and all fees waived, something called like a CIF or something that contains all the personal information so it does not have to go into the divorce papers (since those are public record) and then my papers for my response.  I spent about two hours the next day filling out form after form and review his giant packet of stuff to try and wrap my head around everything.

When I was finished I went back to the law center to have them check over everything to make sure I had it all filled out and done.  On my way to the office though my ex called me.  He asked if I was planning to respond to anything and I told him yes and he asked me if it was okay that he ask what I was wanting to change.  I told him that the only thing I really wanted to change was the spousal support and that I did not want to increase the amount that he is already giving me but I just wanted to keep it going until I get moved up to my mom's house and get a job that I can financially support myself with.  The only other thing that I was adding was just the stuff that we had already discussed and I just wanted it written down on paper.

See at that point I told him that it was not that I did not trust him but I just wanted it all to be legal.  Now (two months later) I cannot trust a single word that comes out of his mouth.  Anyway, he said that he agreed to what I had said so when I talked to the lawyer he told me of some form called a stipulated judgement or general judgement.  All that form does is take what changes we want to make to the divorce papers and then we sign them, get them notarized and then they get filed...and all that time I spent on the papers I filled out was for nothing.

On the lawyer's advice, he told me to email my ex and let him know that I intend to respond to the papers and give me ten days written notice before filing a default.  A default pretty much means that I would be agreeing to everything that he put in the original papers.  Even though he had agreed to my ideas I still emailed him along with physically mailing him a copy of the email and a hand-written statement saying the exact same thing just to cover my ass.

Good thing I did not toss the papers I had filled out because it was the Thursday before my papers were officially supposed to be filed and I taught my Zumba class that morning and then pretty much diddled around the afternoon before heading over to the house to grab some stuff.  My ex had told me that he had to go into work that morning and was not sure when he would be getting off.  I texted him and told him that I was heading over to the house and packing some stuff.  I did not get a response from him.  I had already told him that I was taking off that weekend to take stuff up to my mom's house and was leaving really early the next morning.

I spent close to an hour and half at the house just filling my car up with bags of stuff (because that is what he did when "packing" my stuff...just tossed everything into plastic grocery bags and I will get to that later) and could not get him to respond to me by text or phone call so finally I just left.  I went to grab some dinner and when my food was about to show up he finally texted me back.  Told me that it was now or never to fill out this paper and I told him that I could do it in an hour and he called me and started yelling at me.  Yelling that he does not agree to anything I had originally said and that he was not going to do that paper I had and that if my papers were not in by that Monday then he was going to default me.  I tried to stay calm and told him that as per my email, he had to give me ten days notice before he could do that and that I would be back in town on Monday.

Needless to say I went to my mom's house for the weekend where all the stuff I had brought with me also included a 55 gallon trash bag FULL of garbage.  I swear he took the empty shampoo bottle out of the trash and put it with all my stuff!  Asshole!!!  So I get back into town and work all week to make sure that I have everything in my response perfect.  I added some other things to my response that my ex and I had verbally agreed on and since I could no longer trust his word I wanted it written down.  I took my papers in the day after Memorial Day and was told that he filed a default on me the Monday before and I could not file.  I wrote a letter to a judge asking me to let me file and telling him what had happened and why my paperwork was not filed on time.

I finally heard back and was told that I had to file a motion to have my default set aside.  That is where I am right now.  I have taken my time to write this not-so-short description to try and pass the time and it has helped.  I now have less than 22 minutes until 3pm when I was told to call.  I filed my motion and waited and waited and had not heard anything so I called a couple weeks ago and they told me that a judge was having a hearing today (that no one had to attend) and was going to make his decision and was told to call after 3pm and if they did not have an answer yet then to call back tomorrow morning.  I am just crossing my fingers that I have an answer today so I can just know what is going to happen.

I know that the judge is either going to look at the case and see it as I cannot file because I had ample time to do so and I did not and since I did not get my paperwork in on time that I am just stuck and he/she'll say no.  Or it can go the other direction and he/she could see that I tried to get my paperwork done and my ex had changed his mind on what we were going to file and then after reading the enclosed copy of the email (with the date on it) asking him to give me notice before a default which he did not and the print out of when things were filed shows that not only did my ex not give me notice but he filed the Monday my papers were due like the minute the court was open.  Hopefully the judge will see how big of a douche bag he was and will grant my motion and allow me to file.

I am so damn nervous I feel like I am going to throw up and I cannot even text my boyfriend for comfort because he left his phone at home.  If I do not find out anything this afternoon I think I might ask one of the other instructors to cover my class in the morning so that way I can keep calling tomorrow if I need to so that way as soon as there is an answer I can be there to file my papers and put myself into even more debt than I have already acquired over the last couple of months.  I am just making that credit card balance higher and higher every day and mostly for gas and food.  Stuff I actually need to survive and live and unfortunately I only make about $150 a MONTH at the gym.  Gosh I cannot wait to move home and get a job and actually make some money and then start school again.  Oh crap I have to call the VA and my school to change my info again.  I might as well just wait until I get to my mom's house next month so that way it won't be a huge mess.  Although I really need to get my bank info set with the VA.

Okay I have about ten minutes and I really feel like I am going to vomit everywhere.  I am starting to shake and I can feel my heart starting to race.  Oh my gosh I just hope that the motion is granted in my favor.  I really need this!  I really, really need this!  I am freaking out.  I just have my fingers crossed that I can file and if that becomes a reality then I am going to keep my fingers crossed that maybe the judge will tell him to pay me more in spousal support.  Oh man I am freaking out.  I think I am just going to call now and see if there is an answer.  If there is then I might just see if someone else can cover my class for me today so I can go file this paperwork!  Wish me luck!

Monday, July 4, 2011

What A Year It Has Been

The title tells it all!  Besides this year, as in 2011, being one of the toughest years I have had to go through emotionally, the last 12 months have been insane.  One year ago today, my mom and her boyfriend were here for the weekend.  In my opinion a very awkward weekend.  I did not really know her boyfriend at all and it was all still so new that my mom and dad had separated and getting a divorce and then she said that he was just a friend and then he turned into her boyfriend and her live-in boyfriend.  I have gotten a little off my topic.  So a year ago my mom and her boyfriend were in town for the 4th of July weekend.  The year before last my mom and my youngest sister came to visit.  Both I spent more time with my mom and whoever came with her than I did with my then husband.

Again...a little off the topic.  My mom and I made a dish to take to a friend's house for a BBQ.  We spent the day together having so much fun, without my husband.  We finally went to the party where my mom and I ended up chugging our wine and having a blast.  When it got a little later, and just seconds after my mom poured me a glass of wine she wanted to head back to the house and make some coffee to kind of warm up a little bit before we headed down town to watch the fireworks.  It was the first time my mom had ever seen me buzzed let alone drunk and I am pretty sure that it was stated to me some time before that day (and seen on countless television shows and movies) that coffee is supposed to sober you up and it seemed to make me drunker and my mom got a kick out of that!

My mom and her boyfriend ended up calling it a night and went back to their hotel to relax in the hot tub before the fireworks went off so even though I will bummed that they had left for the night and I was drunk, my husband and I got in the truck and went up on the hill that gave us a clear view of the show.  I spilled my heart out to him that night.  I told him how much I loved him and how much I needed him.  I confessed to him that I had thought about what I would do if we found out that he could not give me children.  I told him that I had told myself over and over again that I could not stay with someone who could not give me the children that I have been longing for for so long.  I was convinced that if the test results came back saying it was a no-go then I could not stay with him.  I saw the look on his face while I was telling him all of this and then I told him that as much I had myself convinced, I just could not see living my life without him and that I needed him in my life.

I had completely forgotten about that conversation until the other day and it has me all sorts of a mess.  It has left me wondering how did this happen and how did it come to this.  Why hadn't he listened to me and worked with me to help us be happy and more importantly WHY AM I CRYING?  After everything that he has put me through the last couple months with his lies and his constant mood swings and his split second changes.  It all runs back to my feelings of failure.  I know I tried as hard as I could at the time and that I should not feel like I failed but I do still feel like a failure.  I think even after all my progress and not crying in therapy, this may be something I will bring up tomorrow in my session.

I suppose I might just have to inform anyone who cares to read about my little troubles tomorrow night or Wednesday.  For now I think I am going to finish this episode of "Army Wives" and then hop in my car and head out to see if that little convenience store is still open so I might be able to get a little something to celebrate tonight with a man that has been here for me and has helped me stay strong through this whole crappy mess!  Until next time!