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Monday, July 4, 2011

What A Year It Has Been

The title tells it all!  Besides this year, as in 2011, being one of the toughest years I have had to go through emotionally, the last 12 months have been insane.  One year ago today, my mom and her boyfriend were here for the weekend.  In my opinion a very awkward weekend.  I did not really know her boyfriend at all and it was all still so new that my mom and dad had separated and getting a divorce and then she said that he was just a friend and then he turned into her boyfriend and her live-in boyfriend.  I have gotten a little off my topic.  So a year ago my mom and her boyfriend were in town for the 4th of July weekend.  The year before last my mom and my youngest sister came to visit.  Both I spent more time with my mom and whoever came with her than I did with my then husband.

Again...a little off the topic.  My mom and I made a dish to take to a friend's house for a BBQ.  We spent the day together having so much fun, without my husband.  We finally went to the party where my mom and I ended up chugging our wine and having a blast.  When it got a little later, and just seconds after my mom poured me a glass of wine she wanted to head back to the house and make some coffee to kind of warm up a little bit before we headed down town to watch the fireworks.  It was the first time my mom had ever seen me buzzed let alone drunk and I am pretty sure that it was stated to me some time before that day (and seen on countless television shows and movies) that coffee is supposed to sober you up and it seemed to make me drunker and my mom got a kick out of that!

My mom and her boyfriend ended up calling it a night and went back to their hotel to relax in the hot tub before the fireworks went off so even though I will bummed that they had left for the night and I was drunk, my husband and I got in the truck and went up on the hill that gave us a clear view of the show.  I spilled my heart out to him that night.  I told him how much I loved him and how much I needed him.  I confessed to him that I had thought about what I would do if we found out that he could not give me children.  I told him that I had told myself over and over again that I could not stay with someone who could not give me the children that I have been longing for for so long.  I was convinced that if the test results came back saying it was a no-go then I could not stay with him.  I saw the look on his face while I was telling him all of this and then I told him that as much I had myself convinced, I just could not see living my life without him and that I needed him in my life.

I had completely forgotten about that conversation until the other day and it has me all sorts of a mess.  It has left me wondering how did this happen and how did it come to this.  Why hadn't he listened to me and worked with me to help us be happy and more importantly WHY AM I CRYING?  After everything that he has put me through the last couple months with his lies and his constant mood swings and his split second changes.  It all runs back to my feelings of failure.  I know I tried as hard as I could at the time and that I should not feel like I failed but I do still feel like a failure.  I think even after all my progress and not crying in therapy, this may be something I will bring up tomorrow in my session.

I suppose I might just have to inform anyone who cares to read about my little troubles tomorrow night or Wednesday.  For now I think I am going to finish this episode of "Army Wives" and then hop in my car and head out to see if that little convenience store is still open so I might be able to get a little something to celebrate tonight with a man that has been here for me and has helped me stay strong through this whole crappy mess!  Until next time!