Sunday, June 26, 2011

Ready To Move On With My Life

Last night I was invited to an informal going away party for one of my fellow Zumba instructors.  There are seven of us at the gym right now and she is leaving about two weeks.  The invite was sent out to all of us by message on Facebook earlier this month.  She said that she wanted to have just a small get together with all of us instructors at her house and have sushi and drinks and just hang out.

About a week or so ago she sent out another message saying that giving the date (yesterday) and her phone number to get in touch with her if we need directions or anything.  I had asked her through the message for her address to just plug into my GPS on my phone so I would not need directions and she never responded to me.

Friday night, at the gym, we had our first ever Blacklite Zumba Rave.  90 minutes of pure moving and shaking with all seven instructors.  It was a blast.  Before the class started and we were all getting ready I had asked her what time she wanted us all over the next night.  She said around 7pm and said that it was just like an informal gathering which I had figured as much.

So last night I straightened my hair and got dressed and ready to go and around 7pm I sent her a text and asked her for directions to her house.  It is a good thing I had not left the house yet because when she did respond she said that she and her boyfriend had discussed it and that I am "not welcome in [their] home".  Her boyfriend works or worked (he may be on leave now) with my ex.  What I do not understand is that he had offered to get a drink with me and talk about what was going on.  Plus I was kinda friends with her before they even started dating.

I think what got to me the most was the fact that they told me that I am not welcome in their home.  It would have been different, still hurtful but different, if they would have said that it would not have been a good idea.  But seriously, all the time including me only to shut me out at the very last possible second.  What would she have done if I would have written down the directions from our other friend and had just shown up?  I do not think I could have handled hearing that in person.

I just do not understand why I could not be there.  It was for the Zumba instructors...and I am one of the instructors.  She said it was just an informal going away party and that it was just us girls.  If it was just us girls then why was I suddenly not invited.  It does not make any sense and you can guarantee that I am going to ask at least one or two of the other instructors if she gave a reason for me not being there.

I do not know why it surprised me to be honest.  I should have seen it coming or expected it.  It is not like this is the first time I have been excluded from something because of my separation from my ex.  I want to know what lies he has filled everyone with to have made my life just a living hell.  I hate this.  I spent most of today in a horrible state of depression.  Knowing damn well my family history I bought a (small) bottle of tequila last night and took 3 shots and tonight took 4.5 shots.  I am definitely buzzed.

I had a decent sized break down this morning too.  I cried so hard that I could not breath.  I just want to go home.  I just want to move and get up to my mom's house and be near family and friends that will not put me through all this crap and bull shit.  I am ready to just start the new chapter of my life.  I am ready to get up there and get a job and teach Zumba classes where I actually have people show up and not fear having to cancel my classes because no one does show.  I am ready to have the new man in my life with me.  I am ready to have a place of our own without any roommates and just live for us.  He held me most of the day today while I went through my bouts of tears.  It was hard and rough all day.  I could not speak or smile without almost bursting into tears.

I cannot wait for July 6th to come around because then I will know if the judge is going to let me file my papers and respond and I hope I can be out of here by mid August as planned.  It is so damn hard to be here knowing that most of the people here that I had considered to be more than be my family...have turned on me.

Not only was it a slap in the face to be told that I was not welcome in someone's home and given absolutely NO reason as to why, but another "friend" of mine had a going away party last night (and she and her husband are leaving this week) that I did not even get invited to.  I do not remember if I had mentioned this already but it was my idea for them to have a going away party.  She said that they had already packed most of their stuff up and were working on the house and I told her they should do something.  I told her they should go to the local bar or I was sure that any of our friends would let them have it at their home instead and the next thing I know I read on Facebook that they are having a going away party.  I asked one of our mutual friends if she was going and she said yes and said that it was an "Event" created on Facebook and I told her that I was not invited but when she goes to tell them I said have a safe trip to their new home.  I had just a little bit of bitterness in my voice when I said it.  What really does not make sense is that even though her husband was at the same unit as my ex, they did not talk and were not friends.  I was friends with them.  I think it is because the rest of our "friends" are friends with my ex I was not included.  It is still a whole lot of BULL SHIT!

Now that I have gotten most of my drunken ranting out of my system, I think I am going to check out the delicious pumpkin pie that I baked earlier and see if it has cooled enough for me to cut a piece!  Until next time!