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Sunday, August 28, 2011

Doubts and Regrets

I try to have a firm grip on reality and while like any other normal human being (and I use the term "normal" loosely) I have had doubts about situations and people.  One thing that I have always said is that I never have regrets.  Regret is like hate...it's just kind of a waste of energy.  What can you really accomplish by hating someone?  Nothing!  What can you achieve by regreting a decision?  Nothing!

Unfortunately not only am I doubting some of the choices that I have made but I just might be starting to regret them.  I find myself constantly trying not to cry.  My heart aches.  I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that I made the wrong choices.

When I was finally able to file my divorce papers I felt relief.  When I found out that my divorce was finalized and that I was no longer married, it felt like a HUGE weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  Unfortunately that was short lived.  I felt depressed and horrible and was always on the constant verge of tears.

It wasn't until last weekend when I helped my mom move my sister into her dorm.  While we were driving there and back it brought back a flood of memories from the road trip that my ex and I took last October.  I actually broke down and confessed to my mom that I missed him and our home and my dogs and the life that I had.  I still love him.  I can think back and see all the appreciation that he did show in his own way.  I told my mom that if I had to go back and do it all over again, I would have stayed up here at my mom's house and figured things out and then gone home and worked on our marriage.

I really want to tell him but I don't think that it would or could make a difference.

Until next time.