I try to have a firm grip on reality and while like any other normal human being (and I use the term "normal" loosely) I have had doubts about situations and people. One thing that I have always said is that I never have regrets. Regret is like hate...it's just kind of a waste of energy. What can you really accomplish by hating someone? Nothing! What can you achieve by regreting a decision? Nothing!
Unfortunately not only am I doubting some of the choices that I have made but I just might be starting to regret them. I find myself constantly trying not to cry. My heart aches. I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that I made the wrong choices.
When I was finally able to file my divorce papers I felt relief. When I found out that my divorce was finalized and that I was no longer married, it felt like a HUGE weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Unfortunately that was short lived. I felt depressed and horrible and was always on the constant verge of tears.
It wasn't until last weekend when I helped my mom move my sister into her dorm. While we were driving there and back it brought back a flood of memories from the road trip that my ex and I took last October. I actually broke down and confessed to my mom that I missed him and our home and my dogs and the life that I had. I still love him. I can think back and see all the appreciation that he did show in his own way. I told my mom that if I had to go back and do it all over again, I would have stayed up here at my mom's house and figured things out and then gone home and worked on our marriage.
I really want to tell him but I don't think that it would or could make a difference.
Until next time.