Wednesday, January 9, 2013

UBC Day 9 - Can The Pieces Be Put Back Together?

My heart,

I am writing this in the form of a letter instead of a blog post.  Mainly because I am having a total brain freeze when it came to writing my feelings down in the form of a has been so long since I really put my feelings down on paper I feel like I have almost lost my touch.

I know that some (or all) of what I am about to write I have already either told or texted to you.

There are only a few dates that I can actually remember exactly.
  • My birthday (obviously)
  • My family's birthdays
  • My two best friends' birthdays
  • The date I signed my life away to the Coast Guard
  • The date I graduated boot camp
  • The date I arrived to my first unit
  • The date I got out of the Coast Guard
  • The date I got my first Zumba license
  • The date I got my job at Harvey Field
I swear I have to look at a calendar to remember when I had gotten married...I should have known that it was not going to work out.

I not only remember the date that we met but I remember the moment I saw you.  I had just walked out of my BM3's house just a few doors down from your house.  You were in the parking lot.  I fell in love with you in a nano second.  I elbowed my new "big brother" friend if he knew you and when he said yes I told him that he had to introduce me to you.  The moment I heard your voice for the first time, my heart melted.

By the time we finished with the customary "Hey.  Nice to meet you."  I knew that you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  Call me crazy but I could feel it deep down in my soul.  My heart has belonged to you since that night, November 10, 2002.

We had our ups and downs but almost a year later, my heart just shattered.  We are two peas in a pod.  When things start to get bad and our emotions start to get the better of us, we shut down.  I am trying really hard to work on that from my end.  Anyway, you had shut down. You were deploying and I was moving across the country and you were shutting me out.  All I wanted was to hold you as long as I could.  The closest I was able to get was in the few short minutes that you allowed me in your doorway.  Just long enough for me to kiss you and tell you that I love you (for the first time...saying those words out you) and I do not know where I was able to find the strength through the tears to just walk away.

For eight years I did not know where you were...if you were happy...if you were safe.  Nothing else seemed real without having those answers.  Not a day had gone by that I had not thought about you.  It was not until last year when you reached out to me.  Finding out that you were safe made me so happy!  I thought I was going to be devastated when I found out that you were married and have three (very beautiful) children...but I was happy for you!

Something still felt off.  I thought that knowing where you were and that you were okay would make me whole...make that dull ache in my chest finally go away but it did not.  Instead, it brought back all the feelings that I thought had gone away.  When our communication was cut off, I felt like I was falling into a black hole.  It felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest.  I could not breathe.  I felt on the verge of tears constantly.

I was a little hesitant to respond to the email that you sent me last month but I am glad that you did.  The moment I heard your voice for the first time in nine years it felt like it had only been minutes since we had last spoke.  It felt natural and wonderful and amazing!  When you made me laugh, I felt lighter than air.  You ended our conversation with "I love you" and it was the first time I had heard you say those words to me and my heart started piecing back together.

It warms my heart knowing that deep down you have loved me all these years...but at the same time it hurts that we have loved each other for a decade and have not been together.  All the time that we could have been together and we have been apart having separate lives...experiencing things that we should have experienced together...not with others...

I am in love with you.  I have always been in love with you.  I will ALWAYS be in love with you.  I know that you know that.  I know that you are hurting right now.  You have shut down.  I have not heard from you in days.  All I want to do is wrap you in my arms and hold you tight.  It hurts me knowing that I am so far away from you and there is nothing I can do or say that can in any way shape or form help.  I love you.  I hope to hear from you soon, my heart!