Saturday, January 5, 2013

UBC Day 5 - Self Interview

I have got to be honest here.  I for a fraction of a second...did not write today.  Not because I did not have time.  Not because I was tired from working all day.  Not because I just wanted to be lazy and come home from work, shower, curl up in my pajamas and either read my NOOK or watch Netflix on my Wii.

I was not feeling the prompts.

I have decided on the self interview mainly because a link was provided to questions that can be used!  I have picked three questions...just hope I do not bore anyone!

A:  I generally try to be a pretty happy person but when I try and think about the happiest moment in my life, all of my happiest memories are tied to one single man.  I know that many tears were shed because of him but I was never happier than when I was with him.  The happiest moment came a week or so ago.  It was the second time I had talked to him on the phone in almost nine years and before we hung up, he said, "I love you."  It was the first time he had ever said those words to me.  I felt those words the moment I laid eyes on him just over ten years ago!

One of the saddest moments of my life involved this same man that I have been in love with since November 10, 2002.  It was sometime at the very end of September or beginning of October of 2003.  When he has personal things that really get to him, he shuts down.  He had shut down and shut me out.  He was getting underway the next day and I was transferring and I did not know when or IF I would ever see him again.  I was calling him repeatedly with no answer.  I could feel my heart starting to shatter into a million pieces.  I was knocking on his door and pleading with him to just open the door.  He finally did and I swear it was something straight out of a movie...I hugged him...grabbed his face...kissed him...looked him in the eye and told him that I loved him for the very first time and I turned around and walked away.  I have not physically laid eyes on him since then.  That was the moment that my heart shattered.

A: that is almost like the million dollar question...I guess it would depend where I was in my life at the time.  When I was 18, I lived in the moment.  I hardly thought about what I was going to do the next day let alone where I wanted my life to go.  I bounced back and forth between getting out of the Coast Guard at the end of my six year enlistment or staying in for 20 years and retiring.

That went on for several years.  I got married towards the end of 2007 and I thought that by now I would have a family and be happily married and living happily ever after.  That obviously did not happen.  However if things go in the direction that I have wanted for ten years then maybe I will eventually get my happily ever after!

I most certainly did not anticipate being 28 years old, drowning in debt, struggling to make ends meat to pay my bills, and living with my mother.  It almost feels like little bits of me die each day...that light at the end of the tunnel just keeps getting smaller and smaller and I feel like I cannot even breathe most days.  It takes every ounce of energy I have not to break down every day.

A:  I have a rule...NO REGRETS EVER!  There is no point.  In case you have not heard...scientists have yet to find a way to travel back in time.  There are no do-overs.  All you do is torture yourself constantly thinking "What if..."  Every so often I have had those seconds where I wonder how my life would be now if I had driven to the love of my life nine years ago when he lived about seven hours away from me.  At the time it felt like I was making every effort to make something work and the feels were not being returned.  I did not go.  I cannot go back and do things differently so why dwell on it.  That is exactly what you do when you regret constantly think about it.  It is like my opinion hate is a wasted emotion because you claim to hate something/someone and by hating them you are just thinking about them and driving yourself insane.

I feel like my mind was not all there during some of my answers and that I rambled a little and I am sorry if that is the case.  My mind is elsewhere...just a little worried about someone very important to me.  I have now taken over an hour to write this because I have been so distracted and feeling side tracked all day.  I honestly have not been able to really focus on anything all day.

Until next time!