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Saturday, January 5, 2013

UBC Day 5 - Self Interview

I have got to be honest here.  I almost...like for a fraction of a second...did not write today.  Not because I did not have time.  Not because I was tired from working all day.  Not because I just wanted to be lazy and come home from work, shower, curl up in my pajamas and either read my NOOK or watch Netflix on my Wii.

I was not feeling the prompts.

I have decided on the self interview mainly because a link was provided to questions that can be used!  I have picked three questions...just hope I do not bore anyone!

Q:  WHAT WAS THE HAPPIEST MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE?  THE SADDEST?
A:  I generally try to be a pretty happy person but when I try and think about the happiest moment in my life, all of my happiest memories are tied to one single man.  I know that many tears were shed because of him but I was never happier than when I was with him.  The happiest moment came a week or so ago.  It was the second time I had talked to him on the phone in almost nine years and before we hung up, he said, "I love you."  It was the first time he had ever said those words to me.  I felt those words the moment I laid eyes on him just over ten years ago!

One of the saddest moments of my life involved this same man that I have been in love with since November 10, 2002.  It was sometime at the very end of September or beginning of October of 2003.  When he has personal things that really get to him, he shuts down.  He had shut down and shut me out.  He was getting underway the next day and I was transferring and I did not know when or IF I would ever see him again.  I was calling him repeatedly with no answer.  I could feel my heart starting to shatter into a million pieces.  I was knocking on his door and pleading with him to just open the door.  He finally did and I swear it was something straight out of a movie...I hugged him...grabbed his face...kissed him...looked him in the eye and told him that I loved him for the very first time and I turned around and walked away.  I have not physically laid eyes on him since then.  That was the moment that my heart shattered.

Q:  HOW HAS YOUR LIFE BEEN DIFFERENT THAN WHAT YOU'D IMAGINED?
A:  Well...now that is almost like the million dollar question...I guess it would depend where I was in my life at the time.  When I was 18, I lived in the moment.  I hardly thought about what I was going to do the next day let alone where I wanted my life to go.  I bounced back and forth between getting out of the Coast Guard at the end of my six year enlistment or staying in for 20 years and retiring.

That went on for several years.  I got married towards the end of 2007 and I thought that by now I would have a family and be happily married and living happily ever after.  That obviously did not happen.  However if things go in the direction that I have wanted for ten years then maybe I will eventually get my happily ever after!

I most certainly did not anticipate being 28 years old, drowning in debt, struggling to make ends meat to pay my bills, and living with my mother.  It almost feels like little bits of me die each day...that light at the end of the tunnel just keeps getting smaller and smaller and I feel like I cannot even breathe most days.  It takes every ounce of energy I have not to break down every day.

Q:  DO YOU HAVE ANY REGRETS?
A:  I have a rule...NO REGRETS EVER!  There is no point.  In case you have not heard...scientists have yet to find a way to travel back in time.  There are no do-overs.  All you do is torture yourself constantly thinking "What if..."  Every so often I have had those seconds where I wonder how my life would be now if I had driven to the love of my life nine years ago when he lived about seven hours away from me.  At the time it felt like I was making every effort to make something work and the feels were not being returned.  I did not go.  I cannot go back and do things differently so why dwell on it.  That is exactly what you do when you regret something...you constantly think about it.  It is like HATE...in my opinion hate is a wasted emotion because you claim to hate something/someone and by hating them you are just thinking about them and driving yourself insane.

I feel like my mind was not all there during some of my answers and that I rambled a little and I am sorry if that is the case.  My mind is elsewhere...just a little worried about someone very important to me.  I have now taken over an hour to write this because I have been so distracted and feeling side tracked all day.  I honestly have not been able to really focus on anything all day.

Until next time!

6 comments:

  1. That's awesome that you choose to have no regrets. There are friends of mine that are always thinking back about all of the bad choices, or consequences of their actions and not looking forward. The only thing you can do about the past is to make the future better! What an inspiration you are! Keep up the good work!

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    1. The way I see it, every bad choice I made and every bad thing that ever happened to me has made me who I am today. In some weird, sick and twisted way, I am me because I have known how it feels to fall head over heals in love. I have known incredible heart ache. I have been emotionally abused and physically assaulted. I have survived being in a marriage that dissolved. I am struggling to keep my head above the water and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel BUT it has made me ME!!! Thank you for reading AND commenting!

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  2. Thanks for sharing a few moments of your life. I sincerely hope you get your happily ever after. I truly believe that all things happen for a reason. Have the most awesome 2013 - a year when all your dreams come true. Thanks for visiting my blog.

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    1. Thank you and I hope this is the year my dreams come true too!

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  3. Hopefully, this poem will resonate.

    The Road Not Taken

    Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
    And sorry I could not travel both
    And be one traveler, long I stood
    And looked down one as far as I could
    To where it bent in the undergrowth;

    Then took the other, as just as fair,
    And having perhaps the better claim,
    Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
    Though as for that the passing there
    Had worn them really about the same,

    And both that morning equally lay
    In leaves no step had trodden black.
    Oh, I kept the first for another day!
    Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
    I doubted if I should ever come back.

    I shall be telling this with a sigh
    Somewhere ages and ages hence:
    Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
    I took the one less traveled by,
    And that has made all the difference.

    Robert Frost

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    1. When I read the first line I knew what poem this was and it is so fitting! Thank you for reminding me of it!

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