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Monday, January 23, 2012

I Know How To Pick 'Em!

I want to share some of the struggles that I have had to deal with over the years. I have not had a very good run with the men in my life. I did not have the greatest relationship with my father when I was younger...pretty much since I hit puberty and got boobs.

When I was 19, I met a man. By man I mean that he was 12 years older than me. I can't believe now that I thought he loved me. Looking back on how he treated me, well, I'll get to that. This is the same guy from one of my earliest posts. This is the guy that got me pregnant. I spent every available waking moment with him at his house. I neglected my friends and hardly spoke to my family. If I wasn't at work, I was at his house.

This went on for months and then he birthday rolled around. He went out and I offered to wake up before the butt crack of dawn to come get him but he said no. I was at home that night while he went out and was getting ready to get in bed when one of my guy friends from work called and asked if I wanted to go out...so I did. I figured that my boyfriend was out all night, I would be home WAY before he would be so even if he changed his mind and wanted me to come pick him up it would be no problem.

Long story short, he "felt bad" about not spending his birthday with me so he came home early and got all pissed off at me when he continuously called me after "assuming" that I was sleeping and never answered the phone. That resulted in a huge fight and at the end of that day I ended up pregnant. That whole story is in my other blog post.

I felt segregated from my friends and family and he made me feel like shit if I wanted to spend a few hours getting dinner with a group of my friends instead of sitting on my butt on his couch in his living room. It wasn't until he broke up with me that those rose colored glasses came off and I saw how he treated me. He belittled me constantly, made me feel small, made me feel horrible if I wanted to do anything with anyone else other than him.

After him I swore I would never date another Coastie...yeah...I worked with him and for him. I met my now ex-husband. He was the complete opposite. While we enjoyed spending time together, he encouraged me to hang out with my friends. If I had plans with them, he did not want me to drop them just because he called and I found that so refreshing. We spent almost two years together before getting married and after being together for three years we moved to Oregon.

We continued to have the same relationship. If I had been asked to hang out with some friends, he encouraged me to go. I found myself eventually somewhat begging for his attention. I wanted to do anything and everything with him and he just made up excuses to not do anything but sit on his ass at home. He would say that there was yard work that he needed to do or this needed to be fixed or he needed to do that...yet he would remain on the couch or in his chair playing on his laptop or playing his Xbox or watching tv.

After almost three years of trying, I threw my hands up and decided to just put all of my attention into my school work and Zumba. Last January, I finally got my point across to him that I was not happy but I was at the point where it was too little too late. I saw that he was trying to make an effort to change but I had known him for too long to believe that these changes, no matter what he said or did, were not permanent. I loved him with all my heart but I could not handle the loneliness. I could not handle the emptiness in my heart . I could not handle feeling not loved or wanted.

I openly said that even though I am so far from being girlie, I need to hear that I'm pretty and that he loves me. I knew that he loved me but he hardly ever said it. It was like pulling teeth to get him to say it. I would say it multiple times just to try and get him to say it once and he would just get irritated and tell me to stop. That always crushed me. I was at a low point in my life while I was with him. If you haven't read my blog post from a couple of days ago about my weight loss, I was with him for most of that.

He kicked me out of our house and I started living with a friend. Eventually this guy friend turned into a relationship. He became my boyfriend and was extremely possessive. Again I didn't really notice until after the relationship was over. He worked strange hours and was home around the time that my friends and family were off work and I was made to feel like shit if I wanted to talk to my family or someone while he was home with me. If we were home at the same time then all of my attention needed to be on him. If I wasn't home when he got home from work, my phone would start blowing up until I got home.

He was so paranoid that he didn't want me to do anything or go anywhere without him. When I moved up to my mom's house in August, we were only supposed to be apart for about a month and a half and after a week or so of me being up here, he broke up with me because he thought I had changed. I felt more like myself than I had in a long time.

I swore that I was going to start living for myself. I am finally going to be selfish and make sure that I make myself happy first. I have decided that I don't want a relationship right now. I just want to have fun. I want to be happy. That is what I have been doing. I have gone on a few dates and I have been getting better and getting back to finding my happy place. I love the direction my life is going.

A lot of this has been blubbering and I'm not even sure if this got my point across and I'm not sure if I even really had a point but I am not going to allow myself to be walked on every again. I will not make excuses for a guy I am in a relationship with ever again!

Until next time!