Was That Sexual Harrassment?

I am not ashamed to say that I am a loyal subscriber to Cosmo! I love that magazine! It truly is the woman's bible! This latest issue had an article titled "The Sex Crime No One Talks About". I tried to find a link online with the whole article but I haven't found one yet so next time you're at the store, grab a copy and flip to page 180. It talks about being touched in public.

Ladies, I know that this has probably happened to us all at least once...when you're walking down the street, out with friends at a club or bar, on a bus, train or something...that moment when you feel a hand on your backside or someone gets a little too close and rubs up against you (either front to front or your side or your back). When the latter happens we tend to just brush it off like the person was just trying to get by and it's really crowded but is that really why it just happened.

While reading this article I had a small flash back to when I was 19 or 20 and still in my first year of living in New Orleans. I was out at a club (the name of which I still remember but I am not going to post it) with some of the guys that I worked with. I was no stranger to my single guy friends getting drunk and grabbing my butt. I actually prefer it to happen by someone I know and trust than by a stranger that I have never seen before and will probably never see again.

Regardless, I remember feeling someone grab my ass and I turned around and there was this guy standing there with a beer in hand, swaying a little, obviously drunk, and I told him that I did not like him touching me and would appreciate it if he kept his hands to himself. To a drunk person that is apparently an INVITATION to do it again, right? He followed me as I walked away and he did it again. I turned around, looked him right in the face and told him that if he touched me one more time, not only would I scream but I would knock his beer to the ground and kick him in the nuts. Not more than a second after I turned around and went to walk away he grabbed me again.

At that moment, flames shot up in front of my eyes. I hadn't even realized that one of my male friends was right there and had heard my last warning to this dirt bag. I was turning around with my arm pulled back and just as I faced the guy and started to bring my fist towards his face, I was picked up and pulled away. I was kicking and yelling at him to let me go and kick some ass and he just carried me away.

It was the one time I ever almost punched someone in the face. It is not, however, the first time I had someone touch me. I scoured my oldest posts...searching to see if I've already talked about this but I didn't see anything so if I've mentioned this before...oh well...I'm doing it again.

I was 18 years old. I was fresh into the Coast Guard. I think it was after Thanksgiving but not quite Christmas yet. I had only been in San Francisco at my unit for about a month. I had only been in the Coast Guard for about three months. When you first enter into the Coast Guard (I'm not sure if it extends to all the other military branches) you are kind of in a probationary period. Pretty much if you step out of line and screw up within the first 180 days you are gone! The biggest one is usually getting caught drinking underage.

When I went to boot camp, I did not cuss, drink or smoke. After eight weeks in boot camp, I was cussing like a sailor and dropping the "f" bomb...which is something I never said...the occassional swear word would get muttered but the "f" bomb...NEVER! I did not even last a month on my boat before I was smoking and then the infamous night happened!

I had tried drinking when I was in Mexico for my Senior Trip but I weighed about 105 lbs soaking wet and had never really drank before. When my friends poured me a shot of Bacardi Superior and told me to shoot it, I did. I figured one wouldn't hurt right? Well they poured another and another and had me shoot one each minute for three minutes. It wasn't until much later that I found out that I had taken double shots...

Let's do the math...a female...non drinker...105 lbs...six shots of rum in three minutes...I was feeling pretty good about ten minutes later. I was enjoying life for about an hour before I went to the bathroom...then my body decided that it didn't like the liquor in my system and I proceeded to vomit. Knowing that they screwed up, my friends put me on the couch, covered me with a blanket, left a trash can next to me in case I needed to puke more and left me alone.

Later that night when everyone was passed out, I started to stir and slowly wake up. I realized that there was a hand inside of my pants...yet I did a mental count of my hands and they were both accounted for and neither were in my pants. I ripped the hand out and buttoned and zipped my pants up and noticed my friend's roommate standing above me leaning over the back side of the couch. The guy that I was dating was passed out on the other end of the couch but I had thrown up so hard that I couldn't scream, yell, or kick at him to wake him up.

I spent what felt like the rest of the night with the blanket wrapped around me tightly and on my stomach fighting this asshole from getting his hands under the blanket and into my pants again. I finally woke up in the morning being pelted in the face by McDonald's french fries. I didn't have the typical hangover...I had the "I've been violated" hangover. I was shaking and took my boyfriend outside and told him what had happened. He flipped out naturally. Next thing I know, I told my ex boyfriend what happened and he actually punched a hole in the shed at my friend's house. Before the half hour is over there are about ten of my guy friends there and they know what happened to me and they are all ready to KILL this guy.

The guy that became like my big brother on my boat, and the one who introduced me to all of my guy friends, was the voice of reason. While everyone else wanted to take the dude out back and have a blanket party, my brother said they were going to sit him down and hear him out. Well naturally when he was surrounded by almost 15 guys at this point he was trying to cover his own ass. He claimed that he had been up all night playing video games on his laptop and would periodically check on me to make sure that I was still breathing by putting his hand in front of my mouth to feel for my breath. Now I'm not genius or doctor but I'm pretty sure that I don't breathe in and exhale from inside of my pants...just sayin!

They didn't buy into his story and told him that he was not allowed to be within 100 feet of me. If I was at his house, he was to stay in his room or leave and was to NEVER be alone anywhere near me or they would kick his ass. He didn't like that he had restrictions of where he could go in his own house but I think they scared him. I didn't see him again for about seven or eight months when my friends got back from their trip around the world. I was talking to a few people in front of someone's house when I looked over and saw him. I instantly started shaking and when my guys realized why, they surrounded me and a couple of them walked over to the guy and told him that he was not welcome there and needed to leave. It wasn't until after arguing for a few minutes that he realized they were protecting me and then he left fast!

I did not report this because I was in the 180 day window and it would have gotten back that there had been underage drinking and I could have been kicked out...even though what he did was way worse, I would have been left with a black mark on my record and would have had a horrible time trying to get a job in the civilian world.

A few months after this incident, it was my week to be the Mess Cook. Pretty much that means I was a glorified dish washer for a week. I was taking a break between meals and went out to the back of the boat and one of the guys from my department was on Quarterdeck watch and he grabbed my butt as I walked by. I told him that was not okay and avoided him the rest of the day. I told my rack mate (and she had also been my rack mate in boot camp) a week or so later and she told our BM3 who told our BM2 who told our BM1. Our BM1 pulled us into Aft Laundry and the guy tried to tell our supervisor that he knee'd me in the thigh. I'm pretty sure that I can tell the difference between being knee'd in the thigh and having someone sitting on their butt and they grab mine as I walk by.

In my last full week on the boat I was the Mess Cook again. I had become pretty close to one of the cooks but not in that way because he was married. That last week though he would come in when no one else was around and touch me. He would be talking to me and then come up behind me kind of pinning me to the sink and reach his hand between my legs. I couldn't believe what was happening. Then he tried to kiss me in the parking lot my last night working in the kitchen. I told him that I couldn't do that because he was married. He played me a song that he said made him think of me and I told him that he needed to go home to his wife and forget about me.

While I think back at it now...I should have spoken up but I didn't. I kept it all inside. That last incident has NEVER been revealed until now. It's no wonder I'm broken. I have dealt with all sorts of abuse and never really dealt with it. Right now, I don't have the funds to seek counciling so this...blogging...will be my therapy!

Until Next Time!

Possibly Borderline Crazy Awesome

In the last THREE days (count that out...one...two...three...) I have listened to "Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not" by Thompson Square on either my iPod, CD in my car or YouTube in its entirety probably close to 100 times...all while thinking about a certain person and a specific time when this song was playing...and I have cursed his name out loud or silently close to the last 30 times...I mean I loved this song before but now it just blows my mind and I replay that night over and over and so badly wish I could go back and maybe do a couple of things different but this is neither the time nor the place for that post!

While handing out cake tonight I was told "Thank you" and "You're awesome"...my response "You're welcome" and "I know it!"

I talk a lot with my hands and I can get pretty animated when the occassion calls for it...I had the owner of the studio I teach at laughing so hard I thought she was going to pee her pants...same with a fellow instructor...whom I had just met not more than 10 minutes earlier!

In two 8-hr shifts (15 hrs after a half hour lunch each day) I spent at least FIVE to SIX hours on my ass scrubbing the bellies of two airplanes...I was missing that extra padding I used to have around my ass dearly last week!

One of my best friends in the whole entire world informed me a few days ago that he's coming to visit me in April! I am excited and nervous to see him! I'm totally syked because I haven't seen him in over two years! He's been by me through some of the roughest times I have ever gone through and I am so lucky to have him in my life! I'm nervous because there has always been that sort of sexual tension between us but it was never the right place or right time...and a while back it was getting pretty suggestive and I'm nervous to see how this visit is going to go!

I have managed to control my dreams the last few nights...I read once that if you fall asleep really concentrating on something or someone then you will dream about whatever you were thinking about...my dreams were pretty freakin awesome which probably explains my lack of enthusiasm to get out of bed resulting in me getting up late the last two days.

Yesterday I woke up late. I took a chunk of skin out of my forehead while putting on my sweatshirt (which does not really require much talent given my genes). I was the first one up so there wasn't any coffee already made which meant I had to stop at Starbucks before heading to the dance studio to teach my class which caused me to get there later than I like (but still 15 minutes early). About 10 minutes into my class I had a wardrobe malfunction meaning that the removable strap on my top (that was supposed to have been sewn to the top so it would not do this exact thing) detached from the front, flying up and snapping me in the face...and all this happened while only being awake for just over ONE hour!

Thank you for reading my random thoughts!

Until next time!

Mulling Over Blog Topic

I have about 20 - 30 minutes before I have to leave and I have been struggling to figure out my next "topic" of conversation for my blog. I pose questions and get no answers. I say I do not expect or want sympathy and I get condolences. What I do not believe I have given thanks to those who have read any of my posts. I check out my stats and my heart just swells with joy to see the count going up and up and up!

What BLOWS my mind is my audience! I have people in Russia, Canada and all over Europe reading my blog! I cannot believe it! I do believe that I have even had some viewers from South America and parts of the Middle East!

Here is a giant (short) SHOUT OUT to all who read my writing. Sometimes I bitch and complain and half the time I wonder if what I have written even makes the least bit of sense but it must if y'all keep coming back for more! I try to open up and reveal bits about myself that I have told to some people but not to most because I really am an open book. Ask me anything and I will give you an answer...just be prepared that it may not be the answer you were looking for.

For example, have I ever done drugs? While I wish my answer was no, I have. Am I proud of the fact that I did it? No. If I could go back and do it all over again would I do it? Yes because it has aided in who I am today. Without those experiences I would not be me fully. Do I ever want to do it again? Not a shot in hell! As fun as it was in the moment, coming down from that high of a high was like being slammed with the flu instantly! One minute you feel like you're on top of the world and the next I could not get enough clothing on myself and was wrapped up in thick blankets trying to warm myself up and keep my teeth from chattering so hard that I wouldn't bite my tongue off! And the sick-to-my-stomach feeling was just the icing on the cake!

Okay...now that I've taken up about 10 minutes of my time, I need to change and get ready for some ZUMBA FITNESS!!! My friend is hosting a master class tonight at 6:30pm in down town Seattle and with the president being in town I know that it'll take me at least an hour or so to get down there...and I'm only a little over 20 miles away once on the freeway! Only wish that I had a carpool buddy tonight!

Maybe I'll figure out a cleaver post while shakin' what my momma gave me and I'll have a new post again tonight! If not...

Until next time!

Songs That Make You Think About...

Everyone has certain songs that they hear and make them think of something or someone. It takes you back to a specific event, the love of your life, a family member...you get the idea right?

Today I spent the day detailing an airplane. I do my best work when uninterrupted so I plugged my earbuds into my iPod classic, inserted the buds into my ears (lol...sorry...had to chuckle...I'm exhausted and my eye is twitching and making it hard for me to see and I'm laughing so hard I just might pee my pants!), set my iPod to shuffle, ditched the handheld radio and set out on a mission to make that Cessna 182 as clean as I possibly could. While I'm pleased with the work I did on the inside, I am a perfectionist and I did not get it as clean on the wings as I would like but I did not have the time...

Getting off topic. So while listening to my music, I heard songs that made me think of some people that I care about. There was a Michelle Branch song that came on that made me think of the first guy I dated when I joined the Coast Guard. I fell in love with him the moment I laid eyes on him. The song is "Goodbye To You"...it's a hard song to listen to knowing the feelings and emotions attached to it. It's not as hard to listen to as "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan...I cannot listen to this song at all. It used to be one of my favorite songs until it was played at my great grandfather's funeral 12/18/99 and now it just turns me into a blubbering mess.

Then there's "Better In Time" by Leona Lewis and "The Kill" by 30 Seconds to Mars...both of those songs take me back to a time when I was trying to lose weight (see my blog entry titled My Journey From Fat to Phat). I was going to the gym 5 to 6 days a week and was determined to lose the weight. The first time I heard both of these songs was when I had forgotten my iPod (on different days) and listened to the radio that they had playing. The gym I went to was small and located in a strip mall and was family owned. The owners son was always there when I was working out and I must admit that even though I was married...I had a sweet innocent crush on him. I never talked to him except for the "Hey" greeting when I walked in. I see his face when I hear these songs.

Now I have a new one that I didn't hear today but "Time Warp" by Brad Paisley will always and forever remind me of seeing him in concert Saturday night (2/11/12...went with my momma) and watching his mad skills on the guitar! I squealed like a little girl and my jaw was on the floor the entire time I watched. It was the one thing I was super excited to see and I am so glad that he picked that one!

What songs do you hear that make you go back in time? Let me know and share your story with me!

Until next time!

That "Oh Crap" Moment

I bet that title caught your eye huh?! How many of you have had that "Oh Crap" moment? (Seriously...if your hand isn't in the air then you are a total liar because EVERYONE has had those moments.) These moments can be good and bad. Example for bad...I had to drive about an hour south this morning and I got in my car and had a "Oh Crap" moment when I remembered that I needed to stop and get gas because I wouldn't make it to southcenter then back to the U District and then home again.

Besides this morning I had my "Oh Crap" moment Friday night. Well it was a semi-moment and fully came around last night while getting ready for the Brad Paisley concert (which was great btw...and if you ever get a chance to see him...DO IT!). Let me rewind a bit.

Thursday night while eating dinner with my mom and her boyfriend/fiance (whatever you want to call him...I call him d-bag when they're not around), they proceed to tell me that there is this guy I should go out with. To keep said guy's identity from being revealed I cannot go into all the details but let's just say it is one of those situations where I could probably come up with like a dozen reasons WHY IT'S A BAD IDEA!!!

This guy is someone that I met shortly after moving up here this summer. I have never looked at him like THAT before. I have had this conversation with my mom and d-bag countless times and I am constantly saying "HELL TO THE NO!" Mom's always saying how cute the guy is and how he seems really nice and whatever (because she's met him a few times). I just can't seem to get it through her head that it's not a good idea.

I spent some time with this guy Friday night...it may have been the fact that it had been over 26 hours since I had eaten anything...or the two vodka cranberries that I drank that had me telling him about what my mom had said to me....and what I had said in return. He didn't seem to really verbally agree (which I am just now realizing) with me...

That awkward moment when you're both laughing at something or someone and you realize that you may have been flirting unintentionally and the two of you are doing that kind of leaning towards each other while you laugh...

It wasn't until I was about halfway home Friday night that I had my semi "Oh Crap" moment...in which I walked into the house...looked at my mom...told her where I had been and who I had hung out with and admitted that I might have been flirting but I wasn't entirely sure...I was still starving after all.

I went to sleep thinking about him...something that I haven't done since I met this guy...I go about my day yesterday...teaching Zumba in the morning...working a few extra hours in the afternoon...while getting ready for the concert, my mom gets home from the store and starts getting ready and it fully smacks me...

That moment when someone has been telling you that you should do something and then you do...in my case I have developed a bit of a crush on this guy...and the guy has one of those laughs that just makes you want to look at the person and say, "No...it wasn't that funny. Just stop laughing...just stop!" While putting on my eyeliner, I get slapped in the face with the realization that I can't get that laugh out of my head...and I think it might be kind of cute...heaven help me!

Until next time!

How Do You Forgive?

In order to fully understand what I am about to write about, you should first read this blog entry I made a little over a year ago.

Time To Get Personal & Emotional

Now that you've read the previous blog, I will begin!

There are two times each year that sadden me: August 26th (again...if you haven't read the above mentioned blog you won't understand) and roughly this time of year but usually gets bad mid-March.

My precious little angle would be getting ready to turn 7. I can't even begin to imagine how different my life would be right now if she were here.

The main purpose of this post is that I finally want to try and move on. It's been hard because there are so few people that I can talk to about what happened that won't judge me. I know that I blame Nate* and that the first thing I have to do is stop blaming him and forgive him right? The thing is is that I have had so much hatred and anger built up towards this man for almost 8 years that the very thought of him turns my stomach...I see flames before my eyes...I want to cry and punch him in the face all at the same time.

How do I push forward when I can't forgive? What he put me thought physically, emotionally and mentally is unforgivable but I know that I can't begin to fully live my life until I do. Any advice?

Until next time!

*Name changed to protect identity

Am I A Dating Mess?

I am the FIRST to admit that I suck at dating. There is a very good reason for this. I have not dated much. I am 27 years old and even though I went on my first "date" (a movie with my neighbor/boyfriend/now best friend) when I was 12, I did not date in high school...mainly because no one ever asked me out...and I have not gone out on many dates since graduating high school. I have done a lot of group activities with a guy that I have "dated" but never really done much of the one-on-one dating thing.

Now I am not looking for sympathy or pity because I do not want it! I do not mind in the slightest that I lack dating experience. I have gone from relationship to relationship to relationship for...crap...almost 10 years.

I WANT TO DATE!

I WANT TO HAVE FUN!

Now all I have to do is find someone who is interested in hanging out and spending time with me! I went out for drinks and dinner with this one guy who is really cute and I thought we were getting along pretty well but I have not heard from him in a while...I do not want to bother him if he is busy but at the same time I want to know if he is not interested so I know if I am just wasting my time.

I like to think that I am pretty decent looking. I mean I think I am pretty but I do not think I am anywhere NEAR super model gorgeous. I mean I would love to look like Miranda Kerr...even post baby that woman has a SLAMMIN' body and a BEAUTIFUL face! I like to think that I give off confidence but do not come across as stuck up.

I am going to come right out and say it...

I NEED HELP DATING!!!!

I need any and all tips and pointers that I can get! How do I let a guy know that I am interested without coming off as needy or too aggressive or annoying? While I am trying to take compliments better, I appreciate them but please no ego boosters in the comments! Just want some tips and dating advice!

Also keep in mind that I am super shy when it comes to expressing my feelings towards someone that I am attracted to...I can hold a conversation with him but when it comes to saying "Hey (insert dude's name here)...I like you. Let's go grab a drink." I completely freeze!

HELP!!!

Until next time!