In order to fully understand what I am about to write about, you should first read this blog entry I made a little over a year ago.
Time To Get Personal & Emotional
Now that you've read the previous blog, I will begin!
There are two times each year that sadden me: August 26th (again...if you haven't read the above mentioned blog you won't understand) and roughly this time of year but usually gets bad mid-March.
My precious little angle would be getting ready to turn 7. I can't even begin to imagine how different my life would be right now if she were here.
The main purpose of this post is that I finally want to try and move on. It's been hard because there are so few people that I can talk to about what happened that won't judge me. I know that I blame Nate* and that the first thing I have to do is stop blaming him and forgive him right? The thing is is that I have had so much hatred and anger built up towards this man for almost 8 years that the very thought of him turns my stomach...I see flames before my eyes...I want to cry and punch him in the face all at the same time.
How do I push forward when I can't forgive? What he put me thought physically, emotionally and mentally is unforgivable but I know that I can't begin to fully live my life until I do. Any advice?
Until next time!
*Name changed to protect identity
Forgive yourself first! Trust and pray.
ReplyDeleteThank you, whoever you are, for commenting. I have long blamed myself. Wondering how I allowed someone to convince me to do something I swore I would never do. I always told myself that if I was adult enough to make a mistake, I was adult enough to deal with the consequences. However the longer I thought about it (over the last 7 years) the anger inside me built. I no longer blame myself. I have forgiven myself. I believe that he played on my age (12 years younger than him) and used my feelings and naive-ness (if that's even a word) to do what he wanted. I now need to figure out how to forgive him for being such a huge d-bag asshole!
Deletegosh, i literally have no words or advice. but i just wanted to say that you're a strong person and i'm sure you'll find a way (or figure out what needs to be done) to get where you need to be.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I'm so sorry you had to experience this. I'm sorry you didn't have someone else around you that you felt you could turn to. I agree with the previous post, you must forgive yourself first. You learned from this mistake (as far as I can tell) and you now know what not to do. What I think about forgiving the guy, maybe keep in mind that he must have been just as scared as you and didn't know how to handle the news. Though, the way he handled the situation and treated you, I don't think is justified by feeling scared, I guess you can look at it as his way of dealing the best he knew how. You can still hate how he treated you and manipulated you, but you can forgive him as a person and hope that he has changed and is making better choices. I hope you find healing in writing this out. I know there are abortion support groups, maybe you could find peace and healing through others' experiences.
ReplyDeleteI miss you so much and I am so thankful for the time we did get to spend together in person! I went through a program this last fall, I took the course so that I would better know how to offer advice on this topic, It was a study called Surrendering The Secret....It is specific to recovering from abortion....It truly affects EVERY aspect of your life, the little things that bug you, drive you crazy, set you off that are so seemingly unrelated, YEP, Those things are in fact driven by guilt, shame, anger, un-forgiveness of yourself and others....You are a Beautiful and Amazing woman and you have a spark deep within your personality that just bring joy to those around you, You SOOOO deserve peace and healing but it is a very painful process....This wound has festered for 7 years, just like a physical wound, You NEED a doctor to open it, lance it if you will, let all the infection out, it hurts, it stinks, it is anything but a pretty sight and truth is, not many will Stand by your side through the process, who really wants to watch the corrective procedure of an abscess, Right? Some do though, Some have had to go through the pain themselves, they have carried this same burden and they KNOW how hard it is to lay it down, surrender and let the painful healing take place and they desperately want to be there for you! Once your wound is opened up, ONLY then can it be cleansed, treated, medicated (in healthy ways) and then closed back up CORRECTLY....The scar will ALWAYS be there but the pain and constant reminder is not as strong and there is a peace that can be found in the process....Myranda...God brought our paths together to cross for a reason, I know it, You know it....Visit this website, http://www.optionline.org/ , Enter your postal code and it will give you the contact info for the closest Pregnancy Resource Center to you where you can get FREE and CONFIDENTIAL counseling, inquire about the Surrendering The Secret course, Different centers use different materials but all are WONDERFUL and helpful, you can always call 1-800-395-HELP if you have a difficult time finding a center, you can talk with a REAL person on the phone and they can give you all the info you need to get some real and effective help! I have total faith in you and I KNOW that you CAN and WILL be delivered from the yearly torment, if only you Surrender and allow it....It hurts but don't let that fear of more pain keep you from the healing you so desperately deserve....I love you so dearly....Meg <3
ReplyDeleteKeep in mind, forgivness is for YOU not for him. It does not release or remove his actions. It does release and remove his power over you!
ReplyDelete