Expectations Are Bad M'Kay!

Recently, while walking in a park along the river, I was asked to clarify a statement I had previously made.  When I asked what I needed to clarify, I was asked to clarify what I meant by going into relationships without expectations and how that differs from hoping for things.  My answer was very easy!

I said, simply, that I hope to spend time with you at least once a week.  If it happens, it happens.  If it does not, then it does not.  No harm, no foul!  It is not until you expect things to happen that you risk getting yourself and/or your feelings hurt.  He asked for an example.

Example:
My boss said in the spring that he was going to hire someone to help out on the line for the summer.  After talking to multiple people and being told that there is always three people working the line in the summer (long hours, split shifts, people do not get burnt out as quick), I felt confident in making plans.  I signed myself up for an all day training to obtain a new Zumba license and I got excited to attend my family's annual camping trip/boat races.  The day of my training was sneaking up on me and no one had been hired so I worked out a way to stay late the day before so that way I could attend my training the next day and go to work late.  I was stressed and pretty confident that I had a lot of gray hairs sprout around that time!  My family's camping trip was around the corner and I realized that no one was going to be hired and I was not going to be able to go camping and see my family.  I was very disappointed.  I was hurt.  I was let down.  It was something I was looking forward to doing and ended up not being able to go.

When you expect things, you get let down and hurt when they do not happen.  That is why when it comes to relationships, be it business, friendly, or personal, I go in with next to no expectations.  I learned real fast that even though I try to plan my lunch at work and I expect to take it around 1:30pm, I know that it is rare to actually get to take my lunch on time or when I want.  The only time I expect something from a friend is when it has been agreed that something will happen or whatever and that they follow through and do not blow it/me off.

That kind of goes for personal relationships also.  When a date was made to go to a local AA baseball game because there were fireworks after the game, I expected to stay the entire game.  I got a little irritated when my date said we might have to leave early because it was getting late.  Irritated is not the right word...I was a little hurt.  I love fireworks and I have not been to a baseball game (major league or minor league) in over two years.  I told him that he was more than welcome to stay but if he really felt that he had to leave, I would find a way home.  I would call my mom and wake her up if I needed to but I was going to stay for the fireworks regardless of the fact if he stayed or left.  He stayed.

With all that I have lived through and experienced, it may seem harsh that I do not expect anything from anyone because I truly do not trust that I will not be let down.  I have put too much trust into people who have done nothing but let me down over the years and I am sick of it.  Call it a wall that I have built but I just want to have fun and not expect anything less than.

Now that my pain killers have finally made me drowsy (four hours after being taken), I am going to crash since 6am is going to come way too soon!

Until next time!

Day 17: What Is Your Most Proud Moment?

I think my most proud moment was, and still is, graduating from boot camp.  I remember so much so clearly (insert dreamy memory-lane music here).

The date is Monday August 19, 2002.  My parents had dropped me off at the hotel in Renton the night before because I had to be at MEPS (Military Entrance Processing Station) in Seattle before the lower butt crack of dawn...as in before the sun even begins to think about coming up...and it is still really dark outside.  There was last minute medical stuff that we had to do and since Coast Guard boot camp is in Cape May, New Jersey, we got to swear in on Monday.

We did not sleep at all that night.  I was sharing a room with a girl who was supposed to be rooming with her friend but they somehow got split up.  They tried to get me to move but I said I did not know anyone and that we could all share the room if it was okay so I could get to know them.  We caught a glimpse of this really cute guy and invited him up where I was the lucky one who got to make out with this super hot Army recruit...all night (and that is literally all we did...get your minds out of the gutter)!

4am came way to fast and we were on the bus to the airport.  Hottie Army guy sat next to me on our first flight to Chicago.  He slept the whole way and no matter how hard I tried and how exhausted I was, I could not sleep.  I think that was primarily because I was stuck in a middle seat.  Not just any middle seat either.  It was one of those planes were there are like 10 or 11 seats in a row and the row is split up as:

Window-Seat-Seat-Seat-Isle-Seat-Seat-Seat-Seat-Seat-Isle-Seat-Seat-Seat-Window

I was in the middle section of that row in the middle seat.  I am strictly a window seat flyer.  I feel like I will physically be ill if I do not sit near the window...even if it is a night flight.  Something about the comfort of being able to look out the window and knowing I will see the earth before we crash that keeps me calm.  That and my creative juices start flowing and I cannot even begin to count the number of poems that I have written while flying because of something I saw in the clouds or the mountains or the Midwest plains.  I need to be able to see out.

We arrive in Philly and are directed to the USO where we line up and get shipped off in buses to Cape May.  We pull through the gates at TRACEN (Training Center) Cape May and weave around until we pull up to the indoc hall.  A Company Commander (CC) boards the bus and proceeds to yell something at us.  All I can think about is how my recruiter told me this would happen and that they were going to tell us we had ten seconds to get off the bus, grab our bag and get in formation.  All of this was said by the CC.

I was on the first set of buses to arrive.  That meant I sat on a hard bench at a cafeteria style table for hours with my hands on my knees and my eyes on my Helmsman reading over: a) How to stand at the Position of Attention or b) The phonetic alphabet.  We were expected to know that even inside we were required to "sound-off" which is just their fancy term for yelling...and everything that came out of our mouth was supposed to follow this:  "SIR/MA'AM, SEAMAN RECRUIT (insert last name), REQUEST TO (insert request), SIR/MA'AM!"  We were also supposed to know the military terms for things like the bathroom and the drinking fountain (head and scuttlebutt...just so you know).

Over the next eight weeks I went through hell.  I had some good times and some not so good times which I will definitely have to post about.  I will try to remember everything I can from those weeks...a little teaser you ask?  My whole company was evicted from our Squad bays...Position of Attention and goose poop...do I have your attention?  I promise this post will come soon!

The day of graduation came.  October 11, 2002.  Standing in formation during the ceremony, which had to be held inside because the weather was nasty, I remember thinking about how proud I was.  I made it.  The moment I swore the oath I was in the military but it was not until I graduated that I was able to really call myself a Coastie.  I was proud of myself to making this decision and I was proud of my shipmates who made it through and I missed those who had left us.  I felt more pride and felt that I had accomplished more in those eight weeks than I had in the 12 years of school that I had just completed a few months prior to enlisting.

I have had proud moments since then but none that gave me that beaming pride!  I think a close second would have to be my decision to divorce my husband and move back home.  I only say that because in the almost year that I have been home, I have become alive and feel more like myself than I have felt in years!  I finally feel like I am me!  I think the third would be becoming a Zumba Fitness instructor and continuing to further my education with Zumba to help people and help them change their lives!  I have helped inspire students to become instructors and I cannot help but smile when I hear how much fun someone had (especially if it was their first class...and yes...there are still Zumba virgins out there...GASP...I know!) or how they love my energy and can see my passion which I always want to shine through in my moves!

Well, I still have one more post to catch up on so...

Until next time!

It Has Been A Week!

Last week seemed like it just dragged on and on and I remember calling it the week from hell but I honestly cannot remember why.  This week has been just exhausting.  I hung out with this cute guy on Monday night (I really hope to see him again) and then woke up Tuesday feeling a little under the weather.  That lasted until today.  I finally started to feel a little bit better today.  Being so tired this week though seemed to make the week drag.  I did manage to not smack my head on anything...until later this afternoon.

Yesterday was probably the worst so far (I still have two more days of work until my weekend starts).  I did not expect it to rain and went to work in tennis shoes only to have my socks soaking wet and walked around all day long hearing and feeling my feet go *squishy* *squishy* all day!  I literally peeled my socks off last night when I got home.  I spent most of the day inside waxing an airplane for a customer (and the plane is HUGE) and did not have to go outside much.  I did venture my way out to fuel some planes before I clocked out and my foot slipped off the clutch on the truck and it smashed into my shin.  It was that horrible kind of pain that instantly makes you want to cry and vomit at the same time.

I woke up this morning and was not sure if I was really feeling much better but I put on my brightly colored slap bracelet watch and walked out the door and felt like I could make it through the day!  Now I am super tired and I have to make my way to the store and get some arch supports for my blown out tennis shoes and get my butt in bed so I am rested for the Survivor Mud Run in the morning!  I drove out to Carnation and picked up mine and my mom's shirts and bibs.

Until next time!!!

Day 3: Favorite Quote

I have several quotes that I absolutely love!  Here they are and a couple of them I will explain why.

"Zumba is like Madonna...it's never going away!" ~ Madalene Aponte
     Miss Madalene is a Zumba Education Specialist out of Hawaii and she led  my Basic 1 and Basic 2 trainings.  She is one of the sweetest women in the world!  She said this during my Basic 2 training in January 2012.  I do believe that she is correct!

"Love is something eternal - the aspects may change, but not the essence." ~ Vincent Van Gogh

"This is a Taco Burrito conversation...Nachos!" ~ Bridgette Hennessy (10 Simple Rules)
     Not only was this show just absolutely hilarious but I cannot say this quote without laughing!

"I feel like I just found out that my favorite love song was written about a sandwich." ~ Jane (27 Dresses)
     Anyone else felt like this sometimes?  There are days when it just feels like everything you thought you knew was just wrong and this just hits the nail on the head!

"There are two kinds of man:  the ones who make history and the ones who endure it." ~ Camilo Jose Cela, Spanish novelist
     Now I am not trying to make history BUT I do not want to just live life.  I want to make a difference.  That is why I love being a Zumba Instructor.  I want to touch peoples lives through Zumba and be a part of their history.  If I can help someone let go and feel better about themselves in any way, shape or form then I am happy!

"A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book" ~ Irish Proverb
     No one can say that they do not fell better after a good, hardy laugh.  Any time I actually try to get in a long good night's sleep, I wake up several times during the night.

"This tastes significantly better than sardines!" ~ Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs

Day 1: Introduction and Recent Picture

I decided that in addition to anything else I just might want to write about, I am going to try a 31 Day Blog Challenge. Today officially being May 22nd, I will try and make it the next 31 days. I thought about waiting until June 1st to start but I am such a procrastinator that I would probably forget to start.

As the title says, this is my recent picture. This was taken on May 13, 2012 in down town Seattle. I thought about taking a much more recent picture but I am currently sitting in my computer chair with my glasses on my face and my hair a mess after my shower wearing what my mom calls my "ugly sweater" and my Stewie Griffin dressed as Santa saying "Rather Naughty" all over them. I determined that it would be best to spare anyone who reads this the horrible image!

I am not quite sure if I have really given any kind of introduction but if I have, it is surely out of date by now.

My name is Myranda and I am freshly turned 28 as of May 4th! I am the oldest of three children. My two younger sisters are Heather (25) and Samantha (21). My parents are divorced (official as of May 2011). I have the two cutest nephews in the world, Cayden (4) and Keagan (3) from Heather.

After high school I joined the Coast Guard and was active duty from August 19, 2002 to October 18, 2007. I spent a year and 18 days on a sea-going buoy tender out of San Francisco before I transferred to Air Station New Orleans. While in Nola, I spent 22 weeks in Elizabeth City, North Carolina (a.k.a. the armpit of America) and shortly after that six months in Houston, Texas. I also met M.L. We worked together and eventually ended up dating and getting married in September 2007.

In May 2008, M.L. was transferred to North Bend, Oregon where we bought a house. My happy little family life was not really all that happy but I tried my best to make it happy and if it was not then I pretended it was. I will spare you another very long story but we ended up splitting up in April 2011 and our divorce was final in July 2011.

In August 2011, I moved back up to Washington to live with my mom. After two weeks here, I landed myself a job at a small local airport/flight training school. I could not have walked into a better job. The whole family is amazing. It is a very physically demanding job but I love it! Plus I work Wednesday thru Sunday and those are the same days that Skydive Snohomish operates so I get to watch people jump out of airplanes while I work. There are very few things that sound cooler to me than the wind whipping through one of the parachutes as they are coming down to land! I will get up there one day and jump out of a plane and you best believe that I will post it here, on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Pinterest (if I can still access my account), etc.

When I am not refueling or washing airplanes and now (the sole washer of) helicopters, I am a Zumba Fitness Instructor. I have been active in the Zumba community since March 2010 but I got my very first license to teach in July 2010. Since then I taken specialty trainings for Zumba Gold and Zumba Toning. I am also signed up for another specialty called Zumba Sentao in July and total that will make my fifth license BUT I will be able to teach six different types of classes...that is until I can afford to get the material and obtain my Zumba Gold-Toning badge and then one last specialty that I want is Zumbatomic which is geared towards children.

I guess just a last little bit about myself...some little random tid-bits if you will...I have a love/hate relationship with running. I truly hate running but I love the results I get from running so I endure it. Do not believe me? Check out my last blog about the Hell Run here. I love to cook and bake. When it comes to baking, I really do have to follow a recipe and even then if it is supposed to be from scratch, my mom or sister is usually the better baker but dang it I can make some killer baked goods out of a box! When it comes to cooking, I change and adapt recipes to my taste. I add cayenne pepper, red pepper or hot sauce to just about everything! I make a killer gumbo recipe which I will have to share sometime. I believe it was a Paula Deen recipe but I took a lot of stuff out and changed a few things but mainly it is still the same but I love mine better! I am a huge Britney Spears fan. I love Harry Potter books/movies and Pottermore. I love Twilight books/movies (however I am neither Team Edward or Team Jacob...I am Team Cedric...for all you young people who do not know jack...Rob played Cedric in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire WAY before he was Edward...see?). I love The Hunger Games books/movie(s). "May the odds be ever in your favor." My favorite movie forever and always is "Fried Green Tomatoes". I love all of the Disney classic cartoon movies and own most of them. I have a strange obsession with light houses. My books/DVDs/CDs have to be alphabetized and each of those three have a different way of being alphabetized. My socks HAVE TO MATCH. Even if there is only the slightest color on the socks, if they do not match then I have to change into a pair that do. When I drink, my southern accent becomes more prominent (which is odd given that I was born and raised just south of Seattle but I lived in the south and my mom's family is from Texas so...). I think that I look and feel the sexiest when I am wearing my favorite jeans (not too tight but not too big), my cowboy boots and my red and white stripped shirt...or when my bra and underwear match...and I only have a couple of those sets! I love baseball because it is one of the only sports that I truly understand! Despite not being married anymore, I still root for the Chicago Cubs and Chicago Bears and Oklahoma State Cowboys (Go Pokes!). I will also root for the San Francisco Giants and the New Orleans Saints but I will pick the Cubs and the Saints over any other team by far! I love candles. My favorite MTV cartoon character is Daria Morgendorffer and I do own the complete series! I may even name my first daughter Daria...maybe not!

I keep coming up with more and more little things and just realized that it has taken me about an hour to write this because I keep getting side tracked...but that is because I was adding links and then trying to find things which lead me to other pages and etc...so I will finally say goodnight at 1:08am on May 22nd! I may not count this as the actual post for the 22nd so I just might do Day 2 after I wake up!

Until next time!

How Do You Forgive?

In order to fully understand what I am about to write about, you should first read this blog entry I made a little over a year ago.

Time To Get Personal & Emotional

Now that you've read the previous blog, I will begin!

There are two times each year that sadden me: August 26th (again...if you haven't read the above mentioned blog you won't understand) and roughly this time of year but usually gets bad mid-March.

My precious little angle would be getting ready to turn 7. I can't even begin to imagine how different my life would be right now if she were here.

The main purpose of this post is that I finally want to try and move on. It's been hard because there are so few people that I can talk to about what happened that won't judge me. I know that I blame Nate* and that the first thing I have to do is stop blaming him and forgive him right? The thing is is that I have had so much hatred and anger built up towards this man for almost 8 years that the very thought of him turns my stomach...I see flames before my eyes...I want to cry and punch him in the face all at the same time.

How do I push forward when I can't forgive? What he put me thought physically, emotionally and mentally is unforgivable but I know that I can't begin to fully live my life until I do. Any advice?

Until next time!

*Name changed to protect identity

Do You Believe True Love Is The Same As Only Loving One?

I was watching a movie and saw an acronym LOLA standing for Lust Often Love Always. It got me thinking about my life. More specifically my love life. Scratch that...my sex life. I have loved long before I ever had sex and my sex life only started nine years ago. I wouldn't say that I was a late bloomer. I was absolutely terrified and CONVINCED that if I had sex before I graduated from high school and moved out of my parents house that either they were going to walk in or find out and I would get in trouble.

I was like every girl. I wanted my first time to be special. I wanted it to be with someone I was head over heals in love with. I did not have those dreams where candles were everywhere with rose petals scattered everywhere. I did not actually care where it happened as long as I felt special and loved the guy I was with. I got lucky!

I met THE guy on November 10, 2002. I was standing outside of a shipmate's house. I was fresh out of boot camp...ten days on my boat to be exact. I'm standing there with my rack mate from boot camp and one of the guys in our department who was showing us around the big city! I looked over towards a group of people and saw him standing there. The moment I set eyes on him I felt it! That rush!

Anyone who has ever fallen in love at first sight knows exactly what I am talking about. You see nothing but that person. You feel the warm fuzzies from centimeters apart or thousands of miles apart. I asked my new shipmate if he knew this guy and if he could introduce me. Again...I got lucky! He did know him...not well but enough to know his name! I was introduced and the moment I heard him speak, he was like a drug and I was hooked!

Everything about him had me mesmerized! The way he walked, talked, smiled, laughed, looked at me and the slightest touch would just make my head spin! We went with my friend from boot camp and our shipmate somewhere and he kissed me in the car. I am pretty sure that I had, like, a permanent smile on my face. Four days later we went out. I don't know where we went but I remember making out in a parking garage.

That night was nothing short of perfect. He knew it was my first time and he made sure that I was comfortable and happy. My only regret (and if you know me, you know that I regret nothing because there's no point) is not having more of those perfect nights.

Now this brings me to the title of my post. Do you believe that it is possible to have only one true love or can true love happen more than once to someone? I believe that every person has someone out there meant for them but that someone may not necessarily be the one that they truly love, if that makes any sense. I have loved with my whole heart multiple times and I do not deny that I have had true love in the past and that it has happened several times. I think there is someone out there that will make me feel whole but is it necessarily the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with? I don't think so...not for me anyway.

I still love this guy with all of my heart. I have thought about him just about every day for the last 9 years. All I want is for him to be happy and I know that eventually he will be fully happy with all aspects of his life as will I. He will always have a special place in my heart. Forever and always.

Until next time