I am not going to make a big deal about sharing this post because it is mainly to vent. The other day I posted a status update on my personal Facebook page about being concerned about someone I love...someone I care about very much. This person is going through a very rough time right now. It is not my place to spill publicly what is going on in his life so I do not share the very little details that I do know. I do not mention his name or anything.
My update was very vague. So much so that it could have been about anyone. This person is similar to myself in the fact that when times get tough, we shut down. That is something that I have been trying to work on but still suffer...it is a huge reason why I lost so many people when my ex and I went through our divorce...because I did not want to talk about it. I did not want pity. If I wanted to talk about it, I would seek out the person I wanted to talk to. That hurt me in the end.
Going back to the second sentence in the last paragraph...it could have been about ANYONE. Have you ever been worried about someone? Have you ever posted a status update about it on Facebook? Do you post those things looking for pity, kind words, negativity, or just to vent? What gets me is when people jump to conclusions and throwing out negative comments when they do not know what is going on.
How do these people know that I was not talking about my cousin? My uncle passed away a couple of months ago from a car accident. How do these people know that my cousin and I could have gone from talking every day to all of a sudden him shutting down? They jump to the conclusion that it ALWAYS has to do with my love life.
The person that I was talking about means a lot to me. I love him. I care for him. I cannot imagine what he is going through and I just wish I could be there for him. Anyone who knows me, knows that THAT is the kind of person I am. Hell, I am going to school for Psychology. I am a good listener. I love to be there for my friends when they need someone...even if they just need someone there and do not talk.
Next thing I know, I am being bombarded with comments from people telling me to "move on", "he is not worth it", "you deserve better than that", etc. I can respond to those with vague answers but I ended up deleting the post after someone who used to be a really good friend of mine wrote a novel of a comment. I only remember a few parts but the part that sticks with me is when he said to imagine it to be me in that situation and how I would feel.
I was in that situation. Two years ago. I did the same thing he is doing. I shut down. I did not talk to my friends. I did not talk to my family. I stayed away from Facebook and Twitter and my only escape was taking or teaching a Zumba class or some other fitness class at the gym I worked at. I had no one I could trust. I had no one I could turn to. My ex turned to everyone we knew and told lies...which he apologized for...too late of course because the damage was already done.
Even through all the hurtful and hateful things that he put me through...leaving me with nothing and taking everything...at the end of the day, I hoped that in the end that he would eventually find happiness. I lost everything. I lost my house...my "family" (because that is what you get in the military...not friends...but family)...my dogs...my financial stability...my ability to take care of myself. I was left with no other option but to move back home. Something I never wanted to do. I live with my mom. I am freaking out because there is a possibility that my sister might be moving in this summer depending on where she gets in for her Masters program and I might be out of a place to live.
So I know what it looks like from his eyes. I was accused of some of the same things he has been accused of...as far as I know, my ex did not cheat on me...just accused me of doing so. All I ask is that if you have something that you want to comment on, before you hit "enter" or click "post", re-read it. If it sounds like it could be construed as negative, cut it and paste it into a message. Make it something private. That way you do not look like an inconsiderate jerk and people that really have my back do not jump down your throat and defend me...because that has happened...and I love them for it!
I cannot see it from her eyes because I would never and could never do what she has done. I am not a typical girl. The things that get to most women tend to roll off my back. Case and point...my ex husband spent like $600 at a strip club...my exact words to him after he told me how much he spent were "...and how do YOU feel about that?"...followed by a laugh. Just remember the old saying of "Think before you speak"...except "Think before you type/comment". Any negative comments will always be deleted.
Until next time!
I'm sorry that happened to you, especially when it all began out of an expression of concern for someone important to you. For some reason, it seems that people feel much freer to say ridiculously hurtful things to their "friends" when they're online, things that they would probably (hopefully!) never say face to face. I'm not sure why that is, but facebook sure does tend to create a lot of drama. All we can do is make sure we're not adding to it--and keep on deleting posts and/or people when we find ourselves trapped inside it!
ReplyDeleteI remember before my divorce was finalized I had a great workout and mentioned both instructors and said "I love you" and all of a sudden my phone was blowing up with text messages from my friends telling me that there was a lot of trash talk being said on that update because people thought it was directed at the male instructor and not both and were being jerks...and at the time I could not delete the post from my phone and had to wait until I found a truck stop with free wifi to bust out my laptop and delete the post. Some people just feel the need to create drama and they have no part in my life!
DeleteSocial media is just what it says it is: "social", so people want to feel that they can react (post) what they want to. I know that it is hard to read between the lines of a post, or comments. I suggest for those more personal thoughts you want to express, turn to the use of a journal. You don't need feedback or backlash from what you are thinking and feeling. The quick fix is to delete what you do not want to read, at least we have that option as well.
ReplyDeleteThere have been plenty of times were I type something into a status and once I type it, I delete it...just typing it helps but to avoid any unwanted or negative feedback, I just delete it.
DeleteMyranda,
ReplyDeleteI suggest you look at the comments you received and ask yourself what I call the second level questions. "Why would they write that?" A lot of those comments sound like people trying to say "i love you and don't want to see YOU hurt!" Yes they said it poorly and yes they misinterpreted what was going on, but they may have been trying to help YOU.
Just a thought,
Dr. Hale
I completely agree and that is what I normally do. I do appreciate their concern for me but without all the information or even allowing me to talk to them, they just jump to conclusions. It is something that I always think about before I respond or before I comment to someone else. If I feel like my comment could be taken in another way, I see if I can reword it or just do not respond. But that is just me!
DeleteSocial media can be a wonderful means of communication or it can destroy relationships. I'm sorry for your hurt Myranda. Sadly we can't change the narrow reactions of others, but just simply try to use our best tools we have to cope.
ReplyDeleteBlessings for a wonderful year ahead
Dawn Alice
That is the truth, huh! I think one of the worse times I had was trying to move forward after my ex kicked me out of our house and I had two friends I had known for over eight years...way longer than I had known my ex...and way longer than either one of them knew my ex...and they were ruthless and took his side without giving me the chance to even tell them my side...the side minus the lies.
Delete