I have never been one to really make or keep New Years resolutions. It always seems like it is something that people do, are extremely enthusiastic about for a few weeks or a month and then go back to their normal routine. I have three so-called resolutions that I have decided to make for myself.
1) STOP PROCRASTINATING: I have been extremely horrible about procrastinating with everything. School work, house work, etc. I need to step up my game and keep myself in check. I need to create a reasonable study schedule for myself. Something that schedules study time, workouts and eating. Seriously need to make sure that eating does get scheduled otherwise I will forget to eat all day and then end up pigging out late at night when I realize that I have had nothing all day long.
2) KEEP TRACK: I have lost my self discipline that I had when I worked hard to drop 30 pounds. I need that discipline back...BAD! I need to start tracking my calories, workouts, water intake, anything that I need to track to drop this last 15 pounds that I want to get rid of to get to my goal weight! I have a friend who is going to try this one with me so that way we can keep each other accountable and since our goal weight is the same, we've given ourselves like a two month window to drop. She is about ten pounds away and I am about 13 pounds away. I think having her as motivation may help too!
3) BE HAPPY: This is one that I really need to work on. I need to be happy with any and all aspects of my life. I need to be happy with who I am. I want to be happy with my appearance (may be a little conceded but I need to like the way I look). I want to be happy with my relationships (romantic and platonic). I just need to be true to myself and follow my heart and I will be happy. This may lead to some drastic changes but I am not happy right now and I cannot think of any other way to make myself happy. I do not want to go into details, so I will not!
Those are my New Years resolutions. I know it will be difficult to break some of my horrible habits but I am going to really try and turn myself around. I plan on trying to find a part-time job, at the least, that will not take away from my Zumba/gym time at the gym. I was also convinced last night to run in an 8k in mid-March so I have to start training for that. I managed to complete 4.12 miles on the elliptical this afternoon in 50 minutes so I just need to complete another 0.85 miles to be at an 8k. I think i can do it in under an hour. I hope! Alright, it is time for me to get some studying in before we head out for the night!
I hope everyone has a wonderful, safe, and HAPPY NEW YEAR! Until next time!!!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Super Lazy Day
So many things I had planned on doing today that were all body slammed to the ground when I did not fully wake up until almost 11:30am! That is right...11:30am! I blame the NyQuil I took last night around 10pm. I do not care how long it is supposed to last, anything that makes me drowsy and whatnot makes me sleep forever! I fell asleep sometime around Midnight so eleven and a half hours! I did make an attempt to get up though. I set my alarm for 9:30am and then reset it for 10:30am and then hit the snooze button until 11:30am. Horrible.
I had planned on getting up this morning and knocking out the dishes, since I am the only one who seems to know how to do them...and I have been sick all week and then was going to go to the library to study before I hit the gym to teach tonight. So far I have managed to get out of bed long enough to tell my husband that the new season of Spartacus starts next month...and he got rid of our movie channels. I still need to get up and work on my playlist for my Zumba class tonight and make sure that my iPod is fully charged.
I think I am going to continue to my Gilmore Girls marathon and eventually make my way into my office to work on my playlist! Alight...until next time!
I had planned on getting up this morning and knocking out the dishes, since I am the only one who seems to know how to do them...and I have been sick all week and then was going to go to the library to study before I hit the gym to teach tonight. So far I have managed to get out of bed long enough to tell my husband that the new season of Spartacus starts next month...and he got rid of our movie channels. I still need to get up and work on my playlist for my Zumba class tonight and make sure that my iPod is fully charged.
I think I am going to continue to my Gilmore Girls marathon and eventually make my way into my office to work on my playlist! Alight...until next time!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
My Final Is OVER!
Not the most graceful ending to a class but I finished my psychology class! Not only did I mess up my on my mid-term and never turned in my research prep paper but then I was super sick most of this week and was not able to finish my last three essay questions on my final and only got to respond to one other student for my last discussion board. It is not like I was just low-on-energy-and-feeling-blah kind of sick. It was the I-cannot-sit-up-without-getting-dizzy-and-wanting-to-vomit kind of sick (and sometimes I actually did vomit).
While I may not have answered all my essay questions with 400 words that were required, I made sure that they were at least 200+ words. Other than feeling like crap since Wednesday, I have managed to drop down to 135 pounds! Granted I can actually tell you everything that I have eaten since Wednesday (6-inch Veggie Delite sub, 6 pieces of toast, a truffle, 2 lil smokies, 5 little meatballs, a few Cheez-Its and a few corn tortilla chips, and a cup of chicken noodle soup). Not much food at all but enough to not make me throw up everywhere. Yesterday was absolutely horrible. No other way to spend Christmas than in bed, with my dogs, trying not to be sick and trying to not get kicked off my bed by my two bed-hogs!
I managed to get up and take a shower tonight and it made me feel SO much better! I am hoping to get up in the morning and hit the gym. I am going to take it easy, maybe just a little bit of treadmill time and that is it! I have to build myself up slowly! That means I have to take it easy on Tuesday and Wednesday in Zumba. I hope this stomach bug leaves me quickly so that way I can get back to normal! I do not have much to say right now because I spent my last few days so sick...I might write about the Christmas Eve party I went to but I was still sick so not sure how much there will be to talk about!
Until next time!
While I may not have answered all my essay questions with 400 words that were required, I made sure that they were at least 200+ words. Other than feeling like crap since Wednesday, I have managed to drop down to 135 pounds! Granted I can actually tell you everything that I have eaten since Wednesday (6-inch Veggie Delite sub, 6 pieces of toast, a truffle, 2 lil smokies, 5 little meatballs, a few Cheez-Its and a few corn tortilla chips, and a cup of chicken noodle soup). Not much food at all but enough to not make me throw up everywhere. Yesterday was absolutely horrible. No other way to spend Christmas than in bed, with my dogs, trying not to be sick and trying to not get kicked off my bed by my two bed-hogs!
I managed to get up and take a shower tonight and it made me feel SO much better! I am hoping to get up in the morning and hit the gym. I am going to take it easy, maybe just a little bit of treadmill time and that is it! I have to build myself up slowly! That means I have to take it easy on Tuesday and Wednesday in Zumba. I hope this stomach bug leaves me quickly so that way I can get back to normal! I do not have much to say right now because I spent my last few days so sick...I might write about the Christmas Eve party I went to but I was still sick so not sure how much there will be to talk about!
Until next time!
Friday, December 24, 2010
Merry Christmas Eve!
First and foremost, MERRY CHRISTMAS to all! I hope your holidays have been and will continue to be filled with family and friends and great, amazing food! If you cannot be with your family, I hope you get to be with those who care about you! I cannot be with my family this year but I have made amazing friends here that have become my extended family and I get to spend my holidays with them!
My husband is active duty Coast Guard, that is how we met. He is going to be at work all day tomorrow and will not be home until Sunday morning. Since he is going to be gone, we decided to open gifts today. I do not believe I have mentioned this before but we need a new roof on our house so we did not get each other gifts...or were not supposed to. I finally got to see my Zumbawear that I got on the Black Friday sale! I am in love! He also got me the juicer attachment for my stand mixer (which I wanted last year but got the veggie slicer instead)! We had gifts to open from his folks and my mom.
I was going through a box of stuff my mom had sent me. She put in an apron, a t-shirt, cupcake molds, cupcake cook book, journal, metallic colored sprinkles, some other stuff...and then these coasters! The top coaster had the general picture of the grandma with the grandchildren. I lifted it up and noticed the next picture was of my baby sister. She is not a baby, she is 19 and in college now. The next one was a picture of my mom at the beach when she and her boyfriend came down for the 4th of July. The last coaster has a picture of my mom and me from that same trip to the beach. I saw those and next thing I knew I had tears in my eyes. Funny thing, though, is my mom said that she had that present wrapped for about four months and forgot that she put pictures in the coasters. Too funny!
After being sick to my stomach yesterday, I am in bed still and watching the "Criminal Minds" marathon on A&E today. I do need to bake a cake here pretty soon though so I can try and make it to my friend's house for her Christmas Eve party tonight! Plus I need to find something to eat since all I have eaten since Wednesday is a 6" veggie delite from Subway (Wednesday night) and four pieces of toast (last night). That may be why I am sick. I realized on Wednesday after my 30 minute power Zumba class, Group Power and some 45 minutes on the elliptical that I had not eaten anything all day. Horrible! I need some more water too. I can feel that I am dehydrated!
Again...I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and until next time!
My husband is active duty Coast Guard, that is how we met. He is going to be at work all day tomorrow and will not be home until Sunday morning. Since he is going to be gone, we decided to open gifts today. I do not believe I have mentioned this before but we need a new roof on our house so we did not get each other gifts...or were not supposed to. I finally got to see my Zumbawear that I got on the Black Friday sale! I am in love! He also got me the juicer attachment for my stand mixer (which I wanted last year but got the veggie slicer instead)! We had gifts to open from his folks and my mom.
I was going through a box of stuff my mom had sent me. She put in an apron, a t-shirt, cupcake molds, cupcake cook book, journal, metallic colored sprinkles, some other stuff...and then these coasters! The top coaster had the general picture of the grandma with the grandchildren. I lifted it up and noticed the next picture was of my baby sister. She is not a baby, she is 19 and in college now. The next one was a picture of my mom at the beach when she and her boyfriend came down for the 4th of July. The last coaster has a picture of my mom and me from that same trip to the beach. I saw those and next thing I knew I had tears in my eyes. Funny thing, though, is my mom said that she had that present wrapped for about four months and forgot that she put pictures in the coasters. Too funny!
After being sick to my stomach yesterday, I am in bed still and watching the "Criminal Minds" marathon on A&E today. I do need to bake a cake here pretty soon though so I can try and make it to my friend's house for her Christmas Eve party tonight! Plus I need to find something to eat since all I have eaten since Wednesday is a 6" veggie delite from Subway (Wednesday night) and four pieces of toast (last night). That may be why I am sick. I realized on Wednesday after my 30 minute power Zumba class, Group Power and some 45 minutes on the elliptical that I had not eaten anything all day. Horrible! I need some more water too. I can feel that I am dehydrated!
Again...I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and until next time!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Rough Night
I had the worst time trying to sleep last night. Even though I was exhausted (reminder: 30 minutes of fast paced Zumba, Group Power, and 45 minutes on the elliptical) I could not fall asleep. I was not able to sleep because my mind was just running a mile a minute. It was not even about my psych final or my statistics midterm that are both due by Sunday. I was thinking about a new friend of mine. Nothing particular. It was just nice to close my eyes and see a familiar face that brings me happiness. Although sadness made its way into my mind.
Sunday, the 19th, was my grandpa and great uncle's birthday. I do not hear from my grandpa ever which is really hard for me to accept because he played a huge part in my life when I was little. I hear from my great uncle quite often by email and such and have seen him the last couple years at the family annual camping trip and when I can make it to the family Christmas party (which I missed this year). The sadness that washed over me came from realizing that my great grandfather passed away 11 years ago on the 19th. He was also a huge part of my life when I was growing up. He used to go on my field trips with me in elementary school. One of my favorite field trips was in 1994. It was common knowledge that the 4th grade class always went to the state capital as one of their field trips. So Grandpa McCaffrey attended our field trip to Olympia! We walked around exploring and then were asked to take a seat on some stairs. Once everyone had sat down, they asked us to slide over. So we literally slid over! My grandpa said that we were saving them money by sliding because we were cleaning the stairs for them and they would not need a janitor to come in! It was great!
My great grandpa was going through his usual routine on December 18, 1999. He went to his usual grocery store and said hi to the girl at the coffee cart outside the front door. Quick note! My great grandpa was born and raised in Renton. He was a huge influence in the community and everyone knew him! Okay so he said hi to the girl and went towards the front door and collapse. People rushed over to him and they called my aunt (my dad's older sister) and then called 911. He was rushed to the hospital and was coherent and chatting with those who came to the hospital. My parents would not allow us to go visit him. All I could do was cry. They did a brain scan and discovered that he had a blood clot in an inoperable spot. He closed his eyes that night and never opened them again.
The 19th was our last day of school before Winter break. I was a wreck. While I was at school, my mom kept me informed of all that was going on. He was still breathing and his heart was still beating but he was no longer there. It became a waiting game. I cried all day long. A friend said hi to me and asked if everything was okay and I burst into tears! I felt so bad for him. He had no idea why I was crying and all he said was hi (I apologized for that when we got back after break). I went home and was home all day and night with my sisters. My mom came home briefly and I asked to go back with her and she told me no. I got very angry and yelled at my mom. I told her that she was being selfish by not allowing anyone else to go and that he was our grandpa and we should get to see him (I apologized for that too and she understood). She told me that she did not want us to remember him laying in a hospital bed and she left again. A few hours later, my cousin called me in tears and said that he had passed away.
From that point on, I could not cry anymore. I was so sad but no more tears fell for a long time. When it came time for the funeral, my cousin got mad at me because I was not crying. I asked my mom if something was wrong with me because I was so sad and felt that I should be crying like everyone else but I just could not. She told me I was fine and that was how I was dealing with his death now. The place where the funeral was held had a little area off to the side for the family and then anyone else who came to pay their respects were out front. Let me put it this way, there were so many people that every seat was taken, all standing room in the building was occupied (including separate viewing rooms for other families), and the facility had to turn on the outside speakers because there was a HUGE group of people outside. I told you that everyone in the city of Renton knew my great grandpa!
He was an amazing man! He was born in 1918. He was a junior officer in the Navy and served on a ship that stormed Normandy. He had the brightest blue eyes and a warm laugh and made everyone feel at ease and like you had known him for years! He left a lot of people behind with many fond memories! My dad set up an annual golf tournament at my grandpa's favorite golf course and participates in it every summer.
Now that I have gotten extremely sentimental, I am going to go and get some rest. Must get rid of this urge to get sick! Until next time!
Sunday, the 19th, was my grandpa and great uncle's birthday. I do not hear from my grandpa ever which is really hard for me to accept because he played a huge part in my life when I was little. I hear from my great uncle quite often by email and such and have seen him the last couple years at the family annual camping trip and when I can make it to the family Christmas party (which I missed this year). The sadness that washed over me came from realizing that my great grandfather passed away 11 years ago on the 19th. He was also a huge part of my life when I was growing up. He used to go on my field trips with me in elementary school. One of my favorite field trips was in 1994. It was common knowledge that the 4th grade class always went to the state capital as one of their field trips. So Grandpa McCaffrey attended our field trip to Olympia! We walked around exploring and then were asked to take a seat on some stairs. Once everyone had sat down, they asked us to slide over. So we literally slid over! My grandpa said that we were saving them money by sliding because we were cleaning the stairs for them and they would not need a janitor to come in! It was great!
My great grandpa was going through his usual routine on December 18, 1999. He went to his usual grocery store and said hi to the girl at the coffee cart outside the front door. Quick note! My great grandpa was born and raised in Renton. He was a huge influence in the community and everyone knew him! Okay so he said hi to the girl and went towards the front door and collapse. People rushed over to him and they called my aunt (my dad's older sister) and then called 911. He was rushed to the hospital and was coherent and chatting with those who came to the hospital. My parents would not allow us to go visit him. All I could do was cry. They did a brain scan and discovered that he had a blood clot in an inoperable spot. He closed his eyes that night and never opened them again.
The 19th was our last day of school before Winter break. I was a wreck. While I was at school, my mom kept me informed of all that was going on. He was still breathing and his heart was still beating but he was no longer there. It became a waiting game. I cried all day long. A friend said hi to me and asked if everything was okay and I burst into tears! I felt so bad for him. He had no idea why I was crying and all he said was hi (I apologized for that when we got back after break). I went home and was home all day and night with my sisters. My mom came home briefly and I asked to go back with her and she told me no. I got very angry and yelled at my mom. I told her that she was being selfish by not allowing anyone else to go and that he was our grandpa and we should get to see him (I apologized for that too and she understood). She told me that she did not want us to remember him laying in a hospital bed and she left again. A few hours later, my cousin called me in tears and said that he had passed away.
From that point on, I could not cry anymore. I was so sad but no more tears fell for a long time. When it came time for the funeral, my cousin got mad at me because I was not crying. I asked my mom if something was wrong with me because I was so sad and felt that I should be crying like everyone else but I just could not. She told me I was fine and that was how I was dealing with his death now. The place where the funeral was held had a little area off to the side for the family and then anyone else who came to pay their respects were out front. Let me put it this way, there were so many people that every seat was taken, all standing room in the building was occupied (including separate viewing rooms for other families), and the facility had to turn on the outside speakers because there was a HUGE group of people outside. I told you that everyone in the city of Renton knew my great grandpa!
He was an amazing man! He was born in 1918. He was a junior officer in the Navy and served on a ship that stormed Normandy. He had the brightest blue eyes and a warm laugh and made everyone feel at ease and like you had known him for years! He left a lot of people behind with many fond memories! My dad set up an annual golf tournament at my grandpa's favorite golf course and participates in it every summer.
Now that I have gotten extremely sentimental, I am going to go and get some rest. Must get rid of this urge to get sick! Until next time!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Oh It Hurts So Good!
As long as I can manage to get up in the morning on Mondays I hit the gym for a class called Group Power. For those of you who do not know what it is (and I did not almost a year ago), it is a strength training class using weights. The instructor targets a different muscle group throughout an entire song and it is so much fun! I must say that I did not like it the first time I tried it. I tried it on a Monday night and followed it up with Zumba after. I could not walk right for a week. I swore up and down that I would never take that class again. That was in March! I just recently started taking the class again within the last month or so. I just vowed to never do it before Zumba ever again!
I missed out last week because I was not feeling too well. The morning instructor started a new routine last week and I am still feeling the change! One of the new ones involved doing squats, lunges, squats, lunges, and squats. We end the set by holding a weight to our chest and continue with a number of squats and leg raises. I felt perfect all day Monday and woke up yesterday morning and I cannot even begin to explain how much my butt hurt. It was even difficult to teach Zumba Gold last night but I managed to complete it and build a pretty good sweat considering it was the first time I taught it as a 35 minute class.
I started getting a little nervous today because it was the first time I was teaching my Zumba class at its new time and no one was there. People finally started to trickle in. I ended up with five amazing people! It is much better than the one or two I normally get! Plus two of them were newbies to Zumba! It was great! It was quick though! 30 minutes went by fast! I told them that if they needed water to grab it and jump back in because with such little time I could not stop the music for water breaks. My legs felt like jello by the time we were done.
I got my stuff ready for Group Power and the instructor that normally teaches in the morning was called in to cover for the evening instructor so I got to do her squats/lunges/squats/lunges/squats...again! I thought my legs were going to fall off. They were not happy with me at all! After class I needed to get in another half hour or so of cardio in (because my 30 minute class just was not enough...and I did not have the energy to stay for the later Zumba class) so I hopped on one of the elliptical machines for 45 minutes. Towards the end it just kind of popped into my head that I had not eaten anything all day and only consumed some water and a little bit of coffee. Man. I am exhausted! I am going to finish watching Star Trek and then it is off to bed!
Until next time!
I missed out last week because I was not feeling too well. The morning instructor started a new routine last week and I am still feeling the change! One of the new ones involved doing squats, lunges, squats, lunges, and squats. We end the set by holding a weight to our chest and continue with a number of squats and leg raises. I felt perfect all day Monday and woke up yesterday morning and I cannot even begin to explain how much my butt hurt. It was even difficult to teach Zumba Gold last night but I managed to complete it and build a pretty good sweat considering it was the first time I taught it as a 35 minute class.
I started getting a little nervous today because it was the first time I was teaching my Zumba class at its new time and no one was there. People finally started to trickle in. I ended up with five amazing people! It is much better than the one or two I normally get! Plus two of them were newbies to Zumba! It was great! It was quick though! 30 minutes went by fast! I told them that if they needed water to grab it and jump back in because with such little time I could not stop the music for water breaks. My legs felt like jello by the time we were done.
I got my stuff ready for Group Power and the instructor that normally teaches in the morning was called in to cover for the evening instructor so I got to do her squats/lunges/squats/lunges/squats...again! I thought my legs were going to fall off. They were not happy with me at all! After class I needed to get in another half hour or so of cardio in (because my 30 minute class just was not enough...and I did not have the energy to stay for the later Zumba class) so I hopped on one of the elliptical machines for 45 minutes. Towards the end it just kind of popped into my head that I had not eaten anything all day and only consumed some water and a little bit of coffee. Man. I am exhausted! I am going to finish watching Star Trek and then it is off to bed!
Until next time!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Some Things I Miss Most!
I was driving around town today, alone, going to get some dinner and was thinking about Christmas next weekend. We have been invited to our friends house for Christmas Eve and it has been requested that I make "Aunt Tammy's Caramel Apple Salad" (my mom's cousin...not really my aunt...) and "Better Than Sex Chocolate Cake". I am like the dessert queen out of my friends and that's okay with me! I love to bake and make desserts and since my husband is not much of a sweets person I tend to only bake or anything like that when we have somewhere to go. Anyway, then I was thinking about how I was going to spend Christmas since I will be home with my pups and the hubs has to work. I have been invited to another friends house for dinner and another friend suggested doing a pot luck at the rec deck in housing. I should probably find out if the rec deck thing is going to actually happen so I can let my other friend know if I will be there.
All of this got me thinking about what I was really missing. There are people I would love to see around Christmas that live here but this place is so segregated that we do not all hang out ever. That is one of the biggest things that I miss about living in New Orleans. Officers hung out with the enlisted and admin and public works hung out with the aviators and the swimmers hung out with the mechs and tweets! There are several people that are here with us now that we were stationed with in Nola and I hardly ever hear from them let alone see them. I miss that a lot.
I have met a ton of great people but I miss how life used to be. I had a great job, a great life, amazing friends and an awesome social life. I always had somewhere to go and people to hang out with and I have none of that here. Going from that to having to put a new roof on our house, infertility, having to sell things to make sure we have money to fix the things we need to fix...what the hell happened to my life? I went from having fun to being a boring person. It really does not make any sense.
This post...definitely shorter than my previous one by a long shot but I feel horrible and have a huge headache and just needed to get this off my chest. I miss my old life.
Until next time!
All of this got me thinking about what I was really missing. There are people I would love to see around Christmas that live here but this place is so segregated that we do not all hang out ever. That is one of the biggest things that I miss about living in New Orleans. Officers hung out with the enlisted and admin and public works hung out with the aviators and the swimmers hung out with the mechs and tweets! There are several people that are here with us now that we were stationed with in Nola and I hardly ever hear from them let alone see them. I miss that a lot.
I have met a ton of great people but I miss how life used to be. I had a great job, a great life, amazing friends and an awesome social life. I always had somewhere to go and people to hang out with and I have none of that here. Going from that to having to put a new roof on our house, infertility, having to sell things to make sure we have money to fix the things we need to fix...what the hell happened to my life? I went from having fun to being a boring person. It really does not make any sense.
This post...definitely shorter than my previous one by a long shot but I feel horrible and have a huge headache and just needed to get this off my chest. I miss my old life.
Until next time!
Friday, December 17, 2010
Time To Get Personal & Emotional
WARNING: The following post is going to touch on a very touchy subject...abortion. While I can understand that everyone has their own opinions on this subject, please keep any negative comments to yourself about the subject itself. This is very difficult for me to talk about and is not something I am proud of. If you feel it necessary to comment, be warned that I have the right to delete any comment that I feel is hurtful!
I am going to be open, no matter how many tears I shed. This is still very painful for me. The whole story begins in December 2003 when I was transferred to New Orleans. I met a man named Nate*. I was 19 years old and Nate's roommate was my sponsor. I showed up right before Holiday Routine started (time off for Christmas) and my sponsor went home on leave. Nate took me under his wing and became my mentor. He was in my duty section so whenever he had the overnight, he would teach me things. The different tools, the parts of the engine, general aircraft stuff, etc. We had duty Christmas Eve and since I had no plans and didn't really have any friends yet, Nate gave me directions to his house and his number and said that I was welcome to join him if I got bored.
I spent Christmas morning on the phone with my family opening presents on the phone and then went to bed and cried myself to sleep because it was the first time I was really far away from my family and I missed them. Must have been because I was working the year before that I didn't really have time to miss them. Anyway, I ended up sleeping until early evening. I decided to take Nate up on his offer and gave him a call. I got myself dressed and went over to his house.
He was so nice to me. We just hung out and talked for hours. Next thing I know, he's offering me a back massage. After a few awkward minutes, I felt him kiss my neck. We ended up making out for awhile and then I finally decided it was time to go home. Our secret relationship started then. Because he was my mentor and the person I worked with constantly, it was a HUGE no-no that we were dating. Well, dating isn't the right word since we couldn't really go out on dates. We were seeing each other.
Over the next several months, it got more and more serious. I was spending a lot of time at his house and even spending the night on weekends. Both of his roommates worked with us and knew we were seeing each other and didn't say anything to anyone. Eventually we decided that we were together and he was my boyfriend and I was his girlfriend. I don't think I've mentioned this yet but he is 12 years older than me.
I ended up spending all my free time at his house. I barely saw the few friends that I did have. Instead of encouraging me to spend time with them when he had to work and I didn't, he made me feel horrible about not being home when he called (cell service sucked where I lived).
6 months have gone by and it was almost his birthday. He was going out with some friends to this club and was going to be out until after the sun came up. I was a little disappointed that he didn't want to see me on his birthday but I wanted him to have fun. I asked him if he needed a ride and he said that he'd take a cab so he wouldn't have to wake me. On the night of his birthday, I was at home alone and a few of the guys from work asked if I wanted to go to Bourbon Street with them. Since I had nothing to do and no reason to wait around by the phone, I said sure. I figured I would be home in a few hours and that way if Nate did need a ride then I could get him.
I left my cell in my car because the jeans I wore didn't have any pockets. When I started to head home around 3 or 4 am, I had several missed calls and some messages...all from Nate. The first couple of messages were along the lines of "You must be sleeping. You're so cute when you're sleeping." to "Where the f**k are you? Why aren't you answering your phone?"
I called him back and he ignored my calls. I left him a message telling him that I was on my way home and that I figured he would have been out for a few more hours and that I could come over if he wanted. He finally called me when I was halfway to his house and he was angry. He told me to go home. I think I had just about pulled into my parking spot when he called me back and said that I could come over if I wanted. Since I was so completely blinded by the rose colored glasses I was wearing I drove to his house...30 minutes away.
We had a huge argument when I got there but he ended up cooling off and we ended up having birthday/make up sex. The next 6 weeks were crazy. Work had me super stressed out, I was constantly doing things and just so hectic that I hadn't realized that "Aunt Flow" hadn't been to visit in a long time. I had taken a pregnancy test when I thought I had missed my period but it came back negative. I tested too early. Several weeks later, I figured that the stress was just so high that I missed my period (which happened at boot camp). I ended up getting a 2-pack pregnancy test. I went back home and took a nap. Figuring I had nothing to worry about, I just waited.
I woke up and took the first test. Since my roommate wasn't home, I left it on the counter and went outside to smoke. After more than 5 minutes, I went back inside and found a positive pregnancy test. I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me so I did exactly what the instructions tell you not to do...I chugged a ton of water in order to make myself have to go again and took the second test. I went back outside and chain smoked like 5 cigarettes while waiting those incredibly long 5 minutes. When I saw another positive test, I ran next door and asked my friend to come take a look at something. "I think I'm loosing my mind, Jess*." I pointed her towards the bathroom were the test was visible and she came back and told me I wasn't loosing my mind.
I freaked out. I wigged out. I bawled my eyes out. The first thought that came to my mind was that I couldn't keep it. I was barely 20 years old. I didn't have a handle on my life...how could I bring in a baby into my world being ciaos? I fought an battle in my head: Tell Nate/Don't tell Nate. I told him. He was surprisingly calm. It made me feel better briefly. Within a matter of 24 hours, he filled my head with all these horrible things that could happen if I kept the baby and pretty much told me that the only option was to get an abortion.
I always thought that abortion was irresponsible. I thought that if you're adult enough to have sex then you're adult enough to deal with the consequences if you do not use protection. I always told myself that if I made the wrong choice and ended up getting pregnant then I would deal with it because I could have prevented it. However, that being said, I am pro choice. I know with what I just said, that doesn't make sense but this is the other half of my view. If a woman is attacked and raped and gets pregnant because of that horrible incident, she should have the right to terminate if that is her choice. I cannot imagine what it would be like to carry the child of a man who tortured her with rape.
After I grasped the concept that I was pregnant and there was a baby starting to form inside me, I was having a change of heart. I really didn't want to go through with the abortion but I was convinced that I had no choice. Nate said that he would pay for everything so he went with me to the first appointment I had at a clinic (on a side note, this act never made it into my military medical record). I was fighting back tears the entire time. He said that if they see me upset or crying then they won't do it. I thought about just crying but ended up holding it in.
They did an ultrasound, which I wasn't allowed to see, and printed out a picture for my file. They told me I was about 7 weeks along. They scheduled me to come back the following week and start the process. I went to work and said that I needed to have the majority of the following week off due to personal reasons and when asked why I said that I was not comfortable talking about it. I got the time off and went in the next week. I had to take a pill orally and then within 24 hours I had to insert 3 pills. The doctor said that if I don't normally cramp then I might have some slight discomfort. Boy that was an understatement!
When I inserted the pills the next day, I was doubled over in horrible pain in the 2 seconds it took me to get the 5 feet from the bathroom to the couch. It was the most horrible pain I have ever experienced in my entire life. There was not a single position I could sit or lay in that eased the pain at all. I cried all night. I finally managed to fall asleep for an hour or so and did not fall asleep on a towel and ended up bleeding everywhere. It was like a living, breathing nightmare. Even experiencing it, I still can't imagine the pain I was in. I suppose that is a good thing.
I was pretty much confined to Nate's house for 5 days. By the time the weekend came, the cramps were almost completely gone and it was almost like a very heavy period. I needed to get out of the house and do something small like go for a walk or something just to get my energy back up before I started work again. I wanted to go for a walk by the lake and Nate got angry. He said that unless I planned on getting up before 7am and walking before the sun really came up, then I would have to go alone because it would get too hot...it was the end of August. I started to cry. I told him after what I had just went through for him, I expected him to help me through this. Needless to say, I didn't get my walk by the lake and managed to get my energy back on my own.
August 24th, 2004 is the date that I lost my baby because I allowed a man to prey on my youth and innocence. I had a dream a few days after. I was in a cemetery and I was holding my little girl's hand over a headstone. She was beautiful. She had brownish red hair in soft bouncy curls that felt so real. She had bright green eyes that could light up any room. She had rosey cheeks and ruby red lips. She smelled like baby powder and her skin was just so soft. I touched her hair to my face and held onto her hand. I told her that it was time for her to go to sleep. I felt her kiss my cheek and I laid her down in the casket beneath the headstone that read "Adriene". I looked at her and said "Mommy will always love you and I will miss you always. Please be a brave girl for Mommy and close your eyes. Goodnight my little girl. I love you!" Then I woke up.
Our relationship changed drastically. I wanted to cry all the time and most of all when I saw Nate. It was a constant reminder of what I had lost because of him. About 3 months later, he came to visit me while I was at tech school. I rented a cabin for us on base by the water and one night, close to Thanksgiving or just after, we were wrestling around the living room and he pinned me down. He put his knees on my arms so I couldn't move my hands. He covered my mouth with his hand and then used his finger and thumb to cut off my oxygen completely. I tried to laugh through it but when I needed to take a breath and he wouldn't let go, I couldn't scream or remove his hand and I started to freak out. He finally let me go and I choked in air. Want to know his response to how I reacted? "If you trusted me, you wouldn't have run out of air so fast. You have trust issues." Ya think? He cut off my oxygen supply yet I have trust issues...
The next month he broke up with me. I begged him not to and then I got angry and I threw it in his face that after what he made me do that summer, he was going to break up with me? What else could he do to me? He had already ripped my heart of out my chest and shattered it into a million pieces. This was just the icing on the cake.
I returned 4 months later and had to work with him every day. It was hard to ignore what he had put me through. The next summer, I had started dating my husband. I was at work one afternoon and needed help with something I had never done before. I had moved on to a point and was able to work with Nate again. I asked for his help and he said his piece and when I told him I was so confused because that was the 3rd person I had asked for help and had gotten 3 different answers. He got mad at me and started to yell. Not realizing that everyone in the vicinity was watching us, I looked at him and in a stern voice I told him " I have done NOTHING to piss you off and you will not talk to me that way. Take a break. Go outside and smoke a couple of cigarettes and when you've calmed down, then come back and talk to me." The look on the faces of everyone around me was a mix of I can't believe she just said that to him and I can't believe he is listening to her and just walked away! They had no idea of the power I had over him.
When he did calm down, he came back and apologized to me. I never saw his next comment coming. He looked at me and told me that he wished we hadn't gone through with what we did the summer before. I looked up at him with a blank stare. I had a mixture of all sorts of emotions just come to the surface. I was just starting to heal from the horrible experience that he forced me into and was finally starting to allow myself to be happy again and he says what?! I wanted to cry, punch, hug, kick, and kiss him all at the same time. Then it was my turn to walk away.
This has been incredibly hard for me to write about. I do feel a little better. I think this is the first time I have actually gotten everything written down. Here I am, over 6 years later, still haunted by what he did to me. He took advantage of me. Not a day goes by that I don't feel the urge to spit in his face or kick him between the legs should I ever see him again. I see my little girl's face and her eyes every time I blink. I know that I was only 8 weeks and 2 days along and there is no way of knowing the sex but I know in my heart that my little girl should be turning 6 this March. She should be in kindergarten this year. I wonder every day what my life would have been like if I would have lied to Nate and told him that the baby was not his and just raised her as a single mother.
*Names have been changed!
I am going to be open, no matter how many tears I shed. This is still very painful for me. The whole story begins in December 2003 when I was transferred to New Orleans. I met a man named Nate*. I was 19 years old and Nate's roommate was my sponsor. I showed up right before Holiday Routine started (time off for Christmas) and my sponsor went home on leave. Nate took me under his wing and became my mentor. He was in my duty section so whenever he had the overnight, he would teach me things. The different tools, the parts of the engine, general aircraft stuff, etc. We had duty Christmas Eve and since I had no plans and didn't really have any friends yet, Nate gave me directions to his house and his number and said that I was welcome to join him if I got bored.
I spent Christmas morning on the phone with my family opening presents on the phone and then went to bed and cried myself to sleep because it was the first time I was really far away from my family and I missed them. Must have been because I was working the year before that I didn't really have time to miss them. Anyway, I ended up sleeping until early evening. I decided to take Nate up on his offer and gave him a call. I got myself dressed and went over to his house.
He was so nice to me. We just hung out and talked for hours. Next thing I know, he's offering me a back massage. After a few awkward minutes, I felt him kiss my neck. We ended up making out for awhile and then I finally decided it was time to go home. Our secret relationship started then. Because he was my mentor and the person I worked with constantly, it was a HUGE no-no that we were dating. Well, dating isn't the right word since we couldn't really go out on dates. We were seeing each other.
Over the next several months, it got more and more serious. I was spending a lot of time at his house and even spending the night on weekends. Both of his roommates worked with us and knew we were seeing each other and didn't say anything to anyone. Eventually we decided that we were together and he was my boyfriend and I was his girlfriend. I don't think I've mentioned this yet but he is 12 years older than me.
I ended up spending all my free time at his house. I barely saw the few friends that I did have. Instead of encouraging me to spend time with them when he had to work and I didn't, he made me feel horrible about not being home when he called (cell service sucked where I lived).
6 months have gone by and it was almost his birthday. He was going out with some friends to this club and was going to be out until after the sun came up. I was a little disappointed that he didn't want to see me on his birthday but I wanted him to have fun. I asked him if he needed a ride and he said that he'd take a cab so he wouldn't have to wake me. On the night of his birthday, I was at home alone and a few of the guys from work asked if I wanted to go to Bourbon Street with them. Since I had nothing to do and no reason to wait around by the phone, I said sure. I figured I would be home in a few hours and that way if Nate did need a ride then I could get him.
I left my cell in my car because the jeans I wore didn't have any pockets. When I started to head home around 3 or 4 am, I had several missed calls and some messages...all from Nate. The first couple of messages were along the lines of "You must be sleeping. You're so cute when you're sleeping." to "Where the f**k are you? Why aren't you answering your phone?"
I called him back and he ignored my calls. I left him a message telling him that I was on my way home and that I figured he would have been out for a few more hours and that I could come over if he wanted. He finally called me when I was halfway to his house and he was angry. He told me to go home. I think I had just about pulled into my parking spot when he called me back and said that I could come over if I wanted. Since I was so completely blinded by the rose colored glasses I was wearing I drove to his house...30 minutes away.
We had a huge argument when I got there but he ended up cooling off and we ended up having birthday/make up sex. The next 6 weeks were crazy. Work had me super stressed out, I was constantly doing things and just so hectic that I hadn't realized that "Aunt Flow" hadn't been to visit in a long time. I had taken a pregnancy test when I thought I had missed my period but it came back negative. I tested too early. Several weeks later, I figured that the stress was just so high that I missed my period (which happened at boot camp). I ended up getting a 2-pack pregnancy test. I went back home and took a nap. Figuring I had nothing to worry about, I just waited.
I woke up and took the first test. Since my roommate wasn't home, I left it on the counter and went outside to smoke. After more than 5 minutes, I went back inside and found a positive pregnancy test. I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me so I did exactly what the instructions tell you not to do...I chugged a ton of water in order to make myself have to go again and took the second test. I went back outside and chain smoked like 5 cigarettes while waiting those incredibly long 5 minutes. When I saw another positive test, I ran next door and asked my friend to come take a look at something. "I think I'm loosing my mind, Jess*." I pointed her towards the bathroom were the test was visible and she came back and told me I wasn't loosing my mind.
I freaked out. I wigged out. I bawled my eyes out. The first thought that came to my mind was that I couldn't keep it. I was barely 20 years old. I didn't have a handle on my life...how could I bring in a baby into my world being ciaos? I fought an battle in my head: Tell Nate/Don't tell Nate. I told him. He was surprisingly calm. It made me feel better briefly. Within a matter of 24 hours, he filled my head with all these horrible things that could happen if I kept the baby and pretty much told me that the only option was to get an abortion.
I always thought that abortion was irresponsible. I thought that if you're adult enough to have sex then you're adult enough to deal with the consequences if you do not use protection. I always told myself that if I made the wrong choice and ended up getting pregnant then I would deal with it because I could have prevented it. However, that being said, I am pro choice. I know with what I just said, that doesn't make sense but this is the other half of my view. If a woman is attacked and raped and gets pregnant because of that horrible incident, she should have the right to terminate if that is her choice. I cannot imagine what it would be like to carry the child of a man who tortured her with rape.
After I grasped the concept that I was pregnant and there was a baby starting to form inside me, I was having a change of heart. I really didn't want to go through with the abortion but I was convinced that I had no choice. Nate said that he would pay for everything so he went with me to the first appointment I had at a clinic (on a side note, this act never made it into my military medical record). I was fighting back tears the entire time. He said that if they see me upset or crying then they won't do it. I thought about just crying but ended up holding it in.
They did an ultrasound, which I wasn't allowed to see, and printed out a picture for my file. They told me I was about 7 weeks along. They scheduled me to come back the following week and start the process. I went to work and said that I needed to have the majority of the following week off due to personal reasons and when asked why I said that I was not comfortable talking about it. I got the time off and went in the next week. I had to take a pill orally and then within 24 hours I had to insert 3 pills. The doctor said that if I don't normally cramp then I might have some slight discomfort. Boy that was an understatement!
When I inserted the pills the next day, I was doubled over in horrible pain in the 2 seconds it took me to get the 5 feet from the bathroom to the couch. It was the most horrible pain I have ever experienced in my entire life. There was not a single position I could sit or lay in that eased the pain at all. I cried all night. I finally managed to fall asleep for an hour or so and did not fall asleep on a towel and ended up bleeding everywhere. It was like a living, breathing nightmare. Even experiencing it, I still can't imagine the pain I was in. I suppose that is a good thing.
I was pretty much confined to Nate's house for 5 days. By the time the weekend came, the cramps were almost completely gone and it was almost like a very heavy period. I needed to get out of the house and do something small like go for a walk or something just to get my energy back up before I started work again. I wanted to go for a walk by the lake and Nate got angry. He said that unless I planned on getting up before 7am and walking before the sun really came up, then I would have to go alone because it would get too hot...it was the end of August. I started to cry. I told him after what I had just went through for him, I expected him to help me through this. Needless to say, I didn't get my walk by the lake and managed to get my energy back on my own.
August 24th, 2004 is the date that I lost my baby because I allowed a man to prey on my youth and innocence. I had a dream a few days after. I was in a cemetery and I was holding my little girl's hand over a headstone. She was beautiful. She had brownish red hair in soft bouncy curls that felt so real. She had bright green eyes that could light up any room. She had rosey cheeks and ruby red lips. She smelled like baby powder and her skin was just so soft. I touched her hair to my face and held onto her hand. I told her that it was time for her to go to sleep. I felt her kiss my cheek and I laid her down in the casket beneath the headstone that read "Adriene". I looked at her and said "Mommy will always love you and I will miss you always. Please be a brave girl for Mommy and close your eyes. Goodnight my little girl. I love you!" Then I woke up.
Our relationship changed drastically. I wanted to cry all the time and most of all when I saw Nate. It was a constant reminder of what I had lost because of him. About 3 months later, he came to visit me while I was at tech school. I rented a cabin for us on base by the water and one night, close to Thanksgiving or just after, we were wrestling around the living room and he pinned me down. He put his knees on my arms so I couldn't move my hands. He covered my mouth with his hand and then used his finger and thumb to cut off my oxygen completely. I tried to laugh through it but when I needed to take a breath and he wouldn't let go, I couldn't scream or remove his hand and I started to freak out. He finally let me go and I choked in air. Want to know his response to how I reacted? "If you trusted me, you wouldn't have run out of air so fast. You have trust issues." Ya think? He cut off my oxygen supply yet I have trust issues...
The next month he broke up with me. I begged him not to and then I got angry and I threw it in his face that after what he made me do that summer, he was going to break up with me? What else could he do to me? He had already ripped my heart of out my chest and shattered it into a million pieces. This was just the icing on the cake.
I returned 4 months later and had to work with him every day. It was hard to ignore what he had put me through. The next summer, I had started dating my husband. I was at work one afternoon and needed help with something I had never done before. I had moved on to a point and was able to work with Nate again. I asked for his help and he said his piece and when I told him I was so confused because that was the 3rd person I had asked for help and had gotten 3 different answers. He got mad at me and started to yell. Not realizing that everyone in the vicinity was watching us, I looked at him and in a stern voice I told him " I have done NOTHING to piss you off and you will not talk to me that way. Take a break. Go outside and smoke a couple of cigarettes and when you've calmed down, then come back and talk to me." The look on the faces of everyone around me was a mix of I can't believe she just said that to him and I can't believe he is listening to her and just walked away! They had no idea of the power I had over him.
When he did calm down, he came back and apologized to me. I never saw his next comment coming. He looked at me and told me that he wished we hadn't gone through with what we did the summer before. I looked up at him with a blank stare. I had a mixture of all sorts of emotions just come to the surface. I was just starting to heal from the horrible experience that he forced me into and was finally starting to allow myself to be happy again and he says what?! I wanted to cry, punch, hug, kick, and kiss him all at the same time. Then it was my turn to walk away.
This has been incredibly hard for me to write about. I do feel a little better. I think this is the first time I have actually gotten everything written down. Here I am, over 6 years later, still haunted by what he did to me. He took advantage of me. Not a day goes by that I don't feel the urge to spit in his face or kick him between the legs should I ever see him again. I see my little girl's face and her eyes every time I blink. I know that I was only 8 weeks and 2 days along and there is no way of knowing the sex but I know in my heart that my little girl should be turning 6 this March. She should be in kindergarten this year. I wonder every day what my life would have been like if I would have lied to Nate and told him that the baby was not his and just raised her as a single mother.
*Names have been changed!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Christmas Is In The Air
It is the most wonderful time of the year! I really do love Christmas! Started getting into the mood the day after Thanksgiving with my Christmas movies and music. Ah, I love it! I decided to find an outfit for my husband's party for last Friday. Even though I had tried to find a dress, I found this beautiful flowy top that had big bling attached to the neckline (meaning no necklace por moi) AND it was 25% off! After getting some leggings and some super cute flats, I had my outfit put together!
Friday I had planned on studying most of the morning to hopefully get my school work finished by Saturday afternoon, I ended up being SUPER lazy! I mean I was in my pajamas until I got ready for the party! I was dressed with hair and makeup completed with over an hour before it was time to leave. Here is what my husband said...
Friday I had planned on studying most of the morning to hopefully get my school work finished by Saturday afternoon, I ended up being SUPER lazy! I mean I was in my pajamas until I got ready for the party! I was dressed with hair and makeup completed with over an hour before it was time to leave. Here is what my husband said...
STOP THE PRESSES!!!
WRITE THIS DOWN!!!
YOU ARE READY TO GO
OVER AN HOUR EARLY!!!
THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!!!
I told him to quit being so dramatic. My original plan was to be ready to go at least an hour before we had to leave so he could shower and get ready. Lord knows had I waited until after he was done we would have been late (and that is why we normally are late...because I let him get ready first).
We had a blast! They had a raffle with TONS of prizes. How they go about it is that they write your name on the back of your ticket (if you are a couple or brought a date then you have two tickets entered) and put it in a bowl. The last two years, once your name was drawn and you won a prize, if it was drawn again your second ticket got thrown out and another person was select. That way you only could win once. They did not do that this year. There were some people who won twice (like we did) and a lot of people who did not win anything.
On Saturday, while everyone else was recovering from their hangovers, I was in my pajamas all day again, reading my psych book and only got dressed because we decided to check out the Christmas lights that are set up at Shore Acres botanical garden. It was beautiful. On our way home, a friend texted us and said that they wanted to have people over for a fire and whatnot. So we went over and we got our friend to bring Taboo (since we didn't play it the other weekend on her birthday) and we still did not play. We did not get home until about 3am!
Here is the kicker! I spent most of last night on my statistics. I somehow finally managed to fall asleep at 4am this morning, only to be woken up 2.5 hours later to my alarm and then two little yippy dogs being dropped off by our friends. One of which has already shit on our carpet. I thought I was going to vomit right there when the smell hit me. It was literally one of those times when my husband went into the office to the computer, I walked in behind him with the dogs and then all of a sudden there was a pile of crap and the smell followed the visual. I had to walk outside in order to keep from puking everywhere. Thank goodness my husband seems to have a stronger stomach than I do at times!
Alright. I have wasted enough time today. I need to get some real clothes on (still in pajamas) and get to studying! Until next time!
It Has Been A Week
Holy cow! How did I manage to not blog for 7 days? I have no idea! I did not realize that it had been that long but it has! Oh man have I got a lot to fill in...well not really now that I think about it. Now it is almost 2am on Tuesday morning but I am still in the mind-set that it is Monday since I have not fallen asleep yet. I will hopefully get a few minutes tomorrow to catch up on what a hectic weekend we had and the wonderful joys of Zumba. Like I said, it is 2am and my alarm is set for 6: 30am because our friends are stopping by and dropping off their dogs for us to watch for the day. I have to take them home before I go to the gym so only until about 4:30pm or so. It is going to be a very long day. I may have to try and get a little nap in otherwise I will not make it through the day! So until next time!
Monday, December 6, 2010
Super Late Start Today
I thought I was going to have an amazing day today. I did not get up to my alarm but I was up by 8:30am and was at the gym by 9am! I discovered sweat dripping down my arm by the time the second track was done. I really love Group Power! The instructors always save the ab track for last before the cool down. The second to last track this morning was a shoulders track and I LOVE the song! At the end there's 25 overhead presses and by the time the song was over, I thought I was going to drop the bar on my head. It was perfect! I went upstairs after class and hopped on an elliptical for about 30 minutes and read my psych book. I really wanted to walk on the treadmill but no luck. The one that I could set my book on was being used and the others did not and I was not about to hold that book for a half hour...you would have to be out of your damn mind!
Let me rewind just a second. Last night my husband said that he wanted to be up by 9am so I woke him up before I left for the gym. I got home close to 11:30am. That is 2.5 hours that I was gone. I am soaked in sweat and just want to shower so I can toss some clothes in the washer and dishes in the dish washer BUT guess who walked into the bathroom when I got home. Needless to say I did not get to take my shower until almost 1:30pm...I had planned on having laundry and dishes done by then but nope. How come I could not do dishes before hand? I will tell ya! I turn on the water to even close to luke warm in the kitchen and it turns the shower ice cold. That is why I could not do them. I was so angry.
My original plan was to have all of that PLUS tanning and getting some blood drawn by 1pm and was going to sit down and start getting caught up on my school work but that did not start until about 3pm or so. Just enough time for me to find out that I could make up the quiz in Statistics and I barely got about halfway through the first chapter I needed to catch up on when I saw that I had about 10 minutes to turn my test in. I had about 6 or 7 questions that I felt confident about but the rest I just made guesses on. I have no idea what I got right but I got 7/20 correct. That just sucks balls!
Now that my head hurts, "Chase" is playing from my DVR, it's 11pm and I have to be up between 7am and 8am because the window guy is going to be here between 9am and 12pm to check the seal on one of our windows. I have tons of studying to do and gonna try and work on a couple new routines for Zumba Gold and Zumba! Until next time!
Let me rewind just a second. Last night my husband said that he wanted to be up by 9am so I woke him up before I left for the gym. I got home close to 11:30am. That is 2.5 hours that I was gone. I am soaked in sweat and just want to shower so I can toss some clothes in the washer and dishes in the dish washer BUT guess who walked into the bathroom when I got home. Needless to say I did not get to take my shower until almost 1:30pm...I had planned on having laundry and dishes done by then but nope. How come I could not do dishes before hand? I will tell ya! I turn on the water to even close to luke warm in the kitchen and it turns the shower ice cold. That is why I could not do them. I was so angry.
My original plan was to have all of that PLUS tanning and getting some blood drawn by 1pm and was going to sit down and start getting caught up on my school work but that did not start until about 3pm or so. Just enough time for me to find out that I could make up the quiz in Statistics and I barely got about halfway through the first chapter I needed to catch up on when I saw that I had about 10 minutes to turn my test in. I had about 6 or 7 questions that I felt confident about but the rest I just made guesses on. I have no idea what I got right but I got 7/20 correct. That just sucks balls!
Now that my head hurts, "Chase" is playing from my DVR, it's 11pm and I have to be up between 7am and 8am because the window guy is going to be here between 9am and 12pm to check the seal on one of our windows. I have tons of studying to do and gonna try and work on a couple new routines for Zumba Gold and Zumba! Until next time!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Boy Did I Screw Up
It was my friend's birthday yesterday, which I had said before. My hubby and I went to her house and while I was inside with all the hens (lol), he was outside with the rest of the men sitting around a fire. I figured that before I went over, I would make sure that I ate dinner and was in no way shape or form hungry so I would not snack because snacking could potentially undo all the hard work I put in last week at the gym. Guess what?
I CAVED!!!!!!!!
It was bad. Another friend brought over a huge bowl full off the croissant wrapped lil smokies (such a weakness of mine...seriously what was she thinking), another made these melt-in-your-mouth chocolate chip cookies, there was chips and dips and cupcakes and more cookies. Needless to say I feel hard. I'm pretty confident that I consumed a day's worth of calories in those damn lil smokies but only had 1 chocolate chip cookie. no cupcakes, only a couple chips and 2 small cups of wine. I know I went over my calories for the day but I had no way of calculating it so I didn't.
I spent all day today reading my psych book and got my quiz and discussion board knocked out of the way but have not recorded anything as far as nutrition goes. I had also wanted to do yoga or hit the gym for the treadmill or something today but that did not happen...obviously! Now I am off to fluff the laundry in the dryer, toss the hubby's uniform in the wash, knock out some dishes and then hit the statistics book for a bit before bed. Gotta get up in the morning and make sure that I am on top of my game for my school work for the week (since I am 2 weeks behind in statistics) and hit the gym in the morning and knock out my workout!
Until next time!
I CAVED!!!!!!!!
It was bad. Another friend brought over a huge bowl full off the croissant wrapped lil smokies (such a weakness of mine...seriously what was she thinking), another made these melt-in-your-mouth chocolate chip cookies, there was chips and dips and cupcakes and more cookies. Needless to say I feel hard. I'm pretty confident that I consumed a day's worth of calories in those damn lil smokies but only had 1 chocolate chip cookie. no cupcakes, only a couple chips and 2 small cups of wine. I know I went over my calories for the day but I had no way of calculating it so I didn't.
I spent all day today reading my psych book and got my quiz and discussion board knocked out of the way but have not recorded anything as far as nutrition goes. I had also wanted to do yoga or hit the gym for the treadmill or something today but that did not happen...obviously! Now I am off to fluff the laundry in the dryer, toss the hubby's uniform in the wash, knock out some dishes and then hit the statistics book for a bit before bed. Gotta get up in the morning and make sure that I am on top of my game for my school work for the week (since I am 2 weeks behind in statistics) and hit the gym in the morning and knock out my workout!
Until next time!
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Blog Post Before Dark?! Yes!
I decided to knock this one out now before I get back to reading my psych book and since we'll be gone until who-knows-what time tonight. It is my friend's birthday today (Happy Birthday Shout Out to my girl!) and we'll be hanging out at her house playing games, drinking some drinks, and just having fun!
I slept like garbage last night. I managed to get one chapter read in my psych book and then realized that it was almost 2am and that my alarm would be going off in 5 hours. Needless to say after hitting the snooze button a couple times, I shut the alarm off. I forgot for a minute that my cell phone alarm was set for 8am...and that sound is much more irritating to a sleepy person than the regular alarm! I somehow managed to pull myself out of my nice, warm, cozy, comfy bed into the chilly living room and kitchen. Made the excellent choice of whole grain waffles for breakfast however the tablespoon of peanut butter, while tasty, probably should have been cut in half. A serving size is 2 tablespoons and 190 calories! 2 tablespoons barely covers a slice of bread in my opinion!
I convinced myself to get my gym clothes on and sleepily made my way to the gym which is like 2 minutes down the street. I parked in front of the door, because I was too tired and lazy to park farther in the empty parking lot to walk, and proceeded to check Facebook and Twitter as I arrived about 20 - 25 minutes before the class was scheduled to start.
I get myself up the stairs to check in at the desk and then go down the stairs to the group fitness room (where our Zumba classes are also held) and set up my step platform and grab my weights and sit tight, curled up in my fleece jacket thinking "Damn it is so effing cold and the fans aren't even on yet! Was getting up for Group Power really worth it?" After the last 2 tracks of our 1 hour session, including my new favorite shoulder track and the ab track, it was so worth it. My abs are going to be sore. Remember how I wasn't sure if my abs were sore from Group Power or from the yoga video I did...well I discovered today that it was most definitely Monday morning's Group Power session!
Even though I desperately wanted to come home and crawl back into my big, inviting bed, I managed to stay up, shower and get dressed just in time for our friends and their 3 kids to stop by. They brought us a gift for all the cooking with the smoker my hubby has done in the last year or so as a Christmas/thank you present. It's a big metal drink bucket...the kind that you fill with a couple bags of ice and then set the drinks into...a 12pk of Bud Light for my hubby, a bottle of Relax wine for me (one of my faves...can be found at Walmart), and a wintery blanket. Oh yeah...and our last name is airbrushed onto the front. It was so awesome of them to do that!
Now that I have babbled on about my day, I am looking forward to knocking out this 15 page chapter in my psych book and then maybe half of the next chapter while listening/watching the Harry Potter marathon on ABC Family and maybe even turn on Beauty and the Beast since my super, awesome husband bought it for me today! Alright...gotta jet...until next time!
I slept like garbage last night. I managed to get one chapter read in my psych book and then realized that it was almost 2am and that my alarm would be going off in 5 hours. Needless to say after hitting the snooze button a couple times, I shut the alarm off. I forgot for a minute that my cell phone alarm was set for 8am...and that sound is much more irritating to a sleepy person than the regular alarm! I somehow managed to pull myself out of my nice, warm, cozy, comfy bed into the chilly living room and kitchen. Made the excellent choice of whole grain waffles for breakfast however the tablespoon of peanut butter, while tasty, probably should have been cut in half. A serving size is 2 tablespoons and 190 calories! 2 tablespoons barely covers a slice of bread in my opinion!
I convinced myself to get my gym clothes on and sleepily made my way to the gym which is like 2 minutes down the street. I parked in front of the door, because I was too tired and lazy to park farther in the empty parking lot to walk, and proceeded to check Facebook and Twitter as I arrived about 20 - 25 minutes before the class was scheduled to start.
I get myself up the stairs to check in at the desk and then go down the stairs to the group fitness room (where our Zumba classes are also held) and set up my step platform and grab my weights and sit tight, curled up in my fleece jacket thinking "Damn it is so effing cold and the fans aren't even on yet! Was getting up for Group Power really worth it?" After the last 2 tracks of our 1 hour session, including my new favorite shoulder track and the ab track, it was so worth it. My abs are going to be sore. Remember how I wasn't sure if my abs were sore from Group Power or from the yoga video I did...well I discovered today that it was most definitely Monday morning's Group Power session!
Even though I desperately wanted to come home and crawl back into my big, inviting bed, I managed to stay up, shower and get dressed just in time for our friends and their 3 kids to stop by. They brought us a gift for all the cooking with the smoker my hubby has done in the last year or so as a Christmas/thank you present. It's a big metal drink bucket...the kind that you fill with a couple bags of ice and then set the drinks into...a 12pk of Bud Light for my hubby, a bottle of Relax wine for me (one of my faves...can be found at Walmart), and a wintery blanket. Oh yeah...and our last name is airbrushed onto the front. It was so awesome of them to do that!
Now that I have babbled on about my day, I am looking forward to knocking out this 15 page chapter in my psych book and then maybe half of the next chapter while listening/watching the Harry Potter marathon on ABC Family and maybe even turn on Beauty and the Beast since my super, awesome husband bought it for me today! Alright...gotta jet...until next time!
Friday, December 3, 2010
NEWS FLASH!!!
I discovered the secret to winter bliss tonight in my kitchen cabinet and on my Christmas tree. I am going to leave you in suspense for just a bit longer and tell you how I came to this conclusion.
I have been doing a GREAT job (if I do say so myself) on counting my calories and working out and tracking all of my food and fitness and water on SparkPeople.com (super awesome website...helped me lose over 30lbs last year). Anyway, I was having a conversation on Facebook with a friend about the Wine Walk that happens on the first Friday of every month in Coos Bay. I have lived here for a couple years now and have not participated. Since I got a late start on my day, planned on getting up by 7am and ended up sleeping until 11:30am, I got a late start to the gym and was about 20 - 25 minutes into my cardio when the walk started. So she said that she ended up not going because it was too cold and that she was enjoying some wine at home. I thought that sounded like a great idea! It's Friday night, my hubby was at work and I had no plans except to try and read some more of my psych book.
I figured that I would take a shower and grab some wine and curl up on the couch with my dogs and my book. Well, after my shower I thought that some hot caramel apple cider sounded even better than wine. Yes it is cold...so why drink something cold? Sure if I drink it quick enough I'll catch a buzz and feel warm but the wine has been in the refrigerator. Before I could even make it to the kitchen one of the candy cane's on the tree caught my eye and this is when I discovered the secret to winter bliss! I heated up some water and made some hot chocolate but instead of using a spoon to stir the cocoa mix and the water together I used the candy cane and oh my goodness it was the icing on the cake! It was like winter in my mouth! What made it even better is that the candy cane is about 50 calories and the cocoa was 140. A delicious cup of yummy, wintery goodness for only 190 calories! I'll take it! Oh yeah...and I used the Swiss Miss Marshmallow Lovers hot chocolate so I had mini marshmallows too!
Now I have to try and consume about 16 more ounces of water before I go to sleep and try and read some more of my psych book so until next time!
I have been doing a GREAT job (if I do say so myself) on counting my calories and working out and tracking all of my food and fitness and water on SparkPeople.com (super awesome website...helped me lose over 30lbs last year). Anyway, I was having a conversation on Facebook with a friend about the Wine Walk that happens on the first Friday of every month in Coos Bay. I have lived here for a couple years now and have not participated. Since I got a late start on my day, planned on getting up by 7am and ended up sleeping until 11:30am, I got a late start to the gym and was about 20 - 25 minutes into my cardio when the walk started. So she said that she ended up not going because it was too cold and that she was enjoying some wine at home. I thought that sounded like a great idea! It's Friday night, my hubby was at work and I had no plans except to try and read some more of my psych book.
I figured that I would take a shower and grab some wine and curl up on the couch with my dogs and my book. Well, after my shower I thought that some hot caramel apple cider sounded even better than wine. Yes it is cold...so why drink something cold? Sure if I drink it quick enough I'll catch a buzz and feel warm but the wine has been in the refrigerator. Before I could even make it to the kitchen one of the candy cane's on the tree caught my eye and this is when I discovered the secret to winter bliss! I heated up some water and made some hot chocolate but instead of using a spoon to stir the cocoa mix and the water together I used the candy cane and oh my goodness it was the icing on the cake! It was like winter in my mouth! What made it even better is that the candy cane is about 50 calories and the cocoa was 140. A delicious cup of yummy, wintery goodness for only 190 calories! I'll take it! Oh yeah...and I used the Swiss Miss Marshmallow Lovers hot chocolate so I had mini marshmallows too!
Now I have to try and consume about 16 more ounces of water before I go to sleep and try and read some more of my psych book so until next time!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Holy Cow...23 Days Until Christmas!
Is anyone else super excited that Christmas is almost here? I am but at the same time I am not. It hit me today that Christmas is in the air. All the light poles in town are wrapped and lit. Down town has beautiful lights. Our little mall has lights, trees, and Santa! My hubby got our Christmas party tickets and I realized that the party is next Friday and I had NOTHING to wear! Last year I was 4lbs from my goal weight. I felt amazing about myself. I was confident. I wore a dress! This year I am about 20lbs heavier and figured that unless I could find a dress that was not form fitting, I was not going to be wearing one. I only went to two places to look and not one dress really spoke to me but I found this gorgeous top at Macy's. Not only was is perfect (and kind of what I had in mind anyway) but it was on SALE!!! The cashier tried to give me another 20% off but there was no way I was going to sign up to get a store credit card just for an extra 20% off. Not happening!
I asked my mom what she thought I should wear with it. I was thinking either black pants of black leggings, if I could find any around this hick town. She said black leggings and black ballet flats. I hit Walmart after dinner and the only leggings I could find were with the Miley Cyrus clothes and they had holes going up and down the front of both legs. What the hell is the point of that? Leggings are thin enough as it is...are holes really necessary? You might as well buy a pair of thick tights and slice holes in them! It would be WAY cheaper! With Walmart being useless to me (except that I got a case for my netbook, new earbuds for when I work out, and some Christmas cards) I went down to Fred Meyers.
Hang on a second. Before I continue, I just remembered something and just HAVE to include it! So I live in a small town. I could say towns because sometimes I am not sure where the city limits are for both towns...it's that close. I am no more than 6 or 7 miles at max from the edges of either town. So I was at our mall looking for some shoes for Zumba. I had already been to Walmart, Kmart, JC Pennys, Macy's, and Ross or whatever it is that we have here. Nothing was really suiting me. So I went into Payless. I thought I had found a good pair but they were getting a new shipment in the next day. She said that I could always call Fred Meyers to see if they have anything so I "don't have to drive all the way down there." Those quotes...seriously...that' is what the lady said to me. All I could think was Really?! Drive the whole 5 minutes down the road to another store. I just said thanks and that I would probably be back in a few days and went to Fred Meyers...without calling first.
Okay, back to today! So I get to Fred Meyers and discover that while on we were on vacation almost the entire month of October (so much fun), the back parking lot had been redone. It was so much easier to park and I am assuming that they took care of the flooding issue that they had in certain areas. Getting off the topic. I knew that I would find what I needed because I got a front row parking spot! I went inside and found some leggings that did not have any holes in them and then found the perfect shoes. Not quite the all black like my mom suggested but black and gray and it kinda matches my shirt. I was a little surprised though because I almost had to buy a 6.5...here is why I was surprised...my tennis shoes are an 8. Most of my shoes are 7.5 to 8.5. I have not worn a 6.5 since elementary school or middle school.
So I have my outfit put together. Just need some pretty earrings and the whole thing will be set. I have my appointment to get my hair cut and colored (gotta get rid of those pesky gray hairs) and to get a pedicure. Now with that out of the way, Christmas day is either going to be put on hold or be done the day before. My hubby has overnight duty on Christmas. I don't know how or why but this is two years in a row that he has had Christmas duty. Last year he was only there half the day so it was not so bad. No one in my family is coming down for the holiday itself. My mom said that she might come down after depending on how much vacation time she has. I really hope she is able to come down. I miss my mom like crazy.
This is my first Christmas since my parents split up. I was hoping to go home and at least see my mom but we cannot afford it. I was a little bummed but hopefully I will be able to get home sometime soon. Maybe if I am able to get us an appointment at the fertility clinic in Portland, we'll just head the extra 2.5 hours up to see my family. That would be awesome!
I am exhausted. Been up and moving and doing everything except studying all day since 7:30am. I am going to pass out while watching Star Trek: The Next Generation. Until next time!
I asked my mom what she thought I should wear with it. I was thinking either black pants of black leggings, if I could find any around this hick town. She said black leggings and black ballet flats. I hit Walmart after dinner and the only leggings I could find were with the Miley Cyrus clothes and they had holes going up and down the front of both legs. What the hell is the point of that? Leggings are thin enough as it is...are holes really necessary? You might as well buy a pair of thick tights and slice holes in them! It would be WAY cheaper! With Walmart being useless to me (except that I got a case for my netbook, new earbuds for when I work out, and some Christmas cards) I went down to Fred Meyers.
Hang on a second. Before I continue, I just remembered something and just HAVE to include it! So I live in a small town. I could say towns because sometimes I am not sure where the city limits are for both towns...it's that close. I am no more than 6 or 7 miles at max from the edges of either town. So I was at our mall looking for some shoes for Zumba. I had already been to Walmart, Kmart, JC Pennys, Macy's, and Ross or whatever it is that we have here. Nothing was really suiting me. So I went into Payless. I thought I had found a good pair but they were getting a new shipment in the next day. She said that I could always call Fred Meyers to see if they have anything so I "don't have to drive all the way down there." Those quotes...seriously...that' is what the lady said to me. All I could think was Really?! Drive the whole 5 minutes down the road to another store. I just said thanks and that I would probably be back in a few days and went to Fred Meyers...without calling first.
Okay, back to today! So I get to Fred Meyers and discover that while on we were on vacation almost the entire month of October (so much fun), the back parking lot had been redone. It was so much easier to park and I am assuming that they took care of the flooding issue that they had in certain areas. Getting off the topic. I knew that I would find what I needed because I got a front row parking spot! I went inside and found some leggings that did not have any holes in them and then found the perfect shoes. Not quite the all black like my mom suggested but black and gray and it kinda matches my shirt. I was a little surprised though because I almost had to buy a 6.5...here is why I was surprised...my tennis shoes are an 8. Most of my shoes are 7.5 to 8.5. I have not worn a 6.5 since elementary school or middle school.
So I have my outfit put together. Just need some pretty earrings and the whole thing will be set. I have my appointment to get my hair cut and colored (gotta get rid of those pesky gray hairs) and to get a pedicure. Now with that out of the way, Christmas day is either going to be put on hold or be done the day before. My hubby has overnight duty on Christmas. I don't know how or why but this is two years in a row that he has had Christmas duty. Last year he was only there half the day so it was not so bad. No one in my family is coming down for the holiday itself. My mom said that she might come down after depending on how much vacation time she has. I really hope she is able to come down. I miss my mom like crazy.
This is my first Christmas since my parents split up. I was hoping to go home and at least see my mom but we cannot afford it. I was a little bummed but hopefully I will be able to get home sometime soon. Maybe if I am able to get us an appointment at the fertility clinic in Portland, we'll just head the extra 2.5 hours up to see my family. That would be awesome!
I am exhausted. Been up and moving and doing everything except studying all day since 7:30am. I am going to pass out while watching Star Trek: The Next Generation. Until next time!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
What A Wonderful Day
It was a typical Fall/Winter day here on the coast. A little fog and mist and rain. So it was a little gloomy but I got to have a lot of fun at Zumba tonight. Before my class started, two of my friends showed up, each with their oldest child. My friend's daughter came in and said, "Myranda, I made a card for you!" and handed me a purple piece of paper. I opened it up and it was a drawing and she wrote "I love you". It was one of the sweetest things ever! I wanted to cry!
My class was amazing even if there was only 3 people in it. We rocked it out and I even showed them my warm up for Zumba Gold. They loved it! It was a great time!!! I hung out for Group Power and pumped some iron. I don't know what I did on Monday in Group Power my wrist has been sore ever since. I decided to forgo Yoga for tonight. I might do it in the morning either before or after Zumba.
Possibly a new play list full of some oldies but goodies coming tomorrow as long as I get up with enough time! I cannot wait. I'm stoked! It'll be nice to have a class of good size.
Until next time!!!
My class was amazing even if there was only 3 people in it. We rocked it out and I even showed them my warm up for Zumba Gold. They loved it! It was a great time!!! I hung out for Group Power and pumped some iron. I don't know what I did on Monday in Group Power my wrist has been sore ever since. I decided to forgo Yoga for tonight. I might do it in the morning either before or after Zumba.
Possibly a new play list full of some oldies but goodies coming tomorrow as long as I get up with enough time! I cannot wait. I'm stoked! It'll be nice to have a class of good size.
Until next time!!!
Oh So Sore...but So Good!
I felt really good about my food choices and work out yesterday. Group Power and cardio (via elliptical) and some Yoga for good measure. I woke up this morning and felt so very sore! I love it! My biceps are slightly sore, as are my abs and the outside of my thighs. It hurts so good, ya know!
I had 4 people rocking out with me in Zumba Gold tonight. One woman actually thought that because I was sore I wouldn't make her work. She was wrong! I made her sweat just like I was. I seemed to get a little out of hand though because I somehow managed to stab myself with my nail. I have a slight idea on how it occurred but I don't remember it happening. I noticed it when I was leaving the gym. I just happened to look down and was like, "Oh dang!"
Of course, I then just had to ask my fellow Twitter addicts if they have ever harmed themselves while in Zumba. Besides the fact that I haven't had luck with good shoes and that has resulted in ankle, feet, knee, and shin problems but I have also punched myself in the face on several occasions and have stabbed and scratched myself I don't know how many times. I don't know if I posted the pic of Twitter but I sent it to my mom with the title "My latest Zumba wound" or something like that...maybe a little more witty (I have a huge headache right now so I am not thinking at my best).
I made some excellent choices in my diet today too. I made some smoothies this morning! After all of the ingredients were pureed together, it all came out to about 3 1/3 cups. I loaded all of the information into SparkPeople's recipe site and said that it would yield 3 servings and it said that the total calorie count would be just over 136 calories! I thought that was just amazing! I made a few alterations to my normal smoothie recipe but it was good all the same! I could not find the Silk soy milk that I normally use so I substituted Almond milk instead. I also used 4 fruits when I usually only use 2 or 3. I generally use a banana and one or two other frozen fruits but today I used my banana (to thicken my smoothie) and then added some dark cherries, peaches, and pineapple. I think it may have been just a little better had I used fresh or canned pineapple chunks instead of the frozen. Maybe I'll thaw the pineapple out next time.
It is way passed my bedtime. I am going to try and get up around 8am so that way I can get to work on my school work since I am again behind schedule. I have to alter my note taking in my Statistics class so I can catch up. I think my Excedrin PM is finally kicking in.
Until next time!
I had 4 people rocking out with me in Zumba Gold tonight. One woman actually thought that because I was sore I wouldn't make her work. She was wrong! I made her sweat just like I was. I seemed to get a little out of hand though because I somehow managed to stab myself with my nail. I have a slight idea on how it occurred but I don't remember it happening. I noticed it when I was leaving the gym. I just happened to look down and was like, "Oh dang!"
Of course, I then just had to ask my fellow Twitter addicts if they have ever harmed themselves while in Zumba. Besides the fact that I haven't had luck with good shoes and that has resulted in ankle, feet, knee, and shin problems but I have also punched myself in the face on several occasions and have stabbed and scratched myself I don't know how many times. I don't know if I posted the pic of Twitter but I sent it to my mom with the title "My latest Zumba wound" or something like that...maybe a little more witty (I have a huge headache right now so I am not thinking at my best).
I made some excellent choices in my diet today too. I made some smoothies this morning! After all of the ingredients were pureed together, it all came out to about 3 1/3 cups. I loaded all of the information into SparkPeople's recipe site and said that it would yield 3 servings and it said that the total calorie count would be just over 136 calories! I thought that was just amazing! I made a few alterations to my normal smoothie recipe but it was good all the same! I could not find the Silk soy milk that I normally use so I substituted Almond milk instead. I also used 4 fruits when I usually only use 2 or 3. I generally use a banana and one or two other frozen fruits but today I used my banana (to thicken my smoothie) and then added some dark cherries, peaches, and pineapple. I think it may have been just a little better had I used fresh or canned pineapple chunks instead of the frozen. Maybe I'll thaw the pineapple out next time.
It is way passed my bedtime. I am going to try and get up around 8am so that way I can get to work on my school work since I am again behind schedule. I have to alter my note taking in my Statistics class so I can catch up. I think my Excedrin PM is finally kicking in.
Until next time!
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